Page 24 of A Rising Hope (The Freckled Fate #3)

24

GIDEON

T he pillows on the bed still smelled like her.

That thought alone killed me over and over again.

I forced my eyes to close, letting the Numb float freely in my veins, even if it was just for a moment. The Numb made people careless, reckless, and I could not afford such a luxury here. And yet pure torment charred my soul, the torturous reality of my decision becoming unbearable. Even for me.

But I made myself remember Finnleah’s broken, lifeless body on the floor. Her hands gone. Surrounded by deadlings as if she was one of them. She would’ve been one of them had I been even minutes late. Insanaria would’ve taken her magic, leaving only a human shell behind. A soulless breathing body. Nothing but a husk.

That is why I am here. That is why I must do what is required of me. I repeated to myself over and over, letting those words muffle the heart wrenching shouts that echoed in my soul.

I knew I had made the right choice.

And yet I hated myself for it.

I murdered. I killed. I lied. I cheated so many rules I stopped counting. I lost so many people, wasted their lives and their loyalties. And I lived with that. I stood by my choice with pride and clarity.

But now, a part of me was no longer sure how I could continue. No longer sure if life was bearable with this choice.

It was never the question of my life, though. But of hers. A single thought of the pain this might cause her broke me in ways I hadn’t known before.

I despised myself. Loathed. Hated myself in ways no enemy of mine could ever rise to.

And I hoped she would despise me too.

I wholeheartedly hoped she would hate me with the entirety of her being for breaking her heart. I hoped she’d read my letter and would detest every memory we shared, every thought of me. I hoped she’d burn my name out of her memory. Because if she did, that meant she would live free of the burden that our vows had become. That meant she would find happiness once again. Even if that was without me. She would move on. And she would be okay.

I had enough love for both of us to get us through eternity and beyond.

Because as much as I abhorred myself, I loved her more.