Page 27 of A Moth to the Flame (Utopia #1)

Chapter

Eighteen

CORDELIA

“Fuck this,” I mutter to no one.

I dog-ear the page in the book of Scottish folklore that I’ve been trying to read. Then, I haul Duke’s ass out of Granny’s cottage.

If I can’t concentrate, then I’m just wasting time. Better to satisfy my curiosity than to fail at ignoring it.

Despite everyone I meet in town being more than happy to talk to him—and talk to him and talk to him and talk to him —it’s tough to thread the needle of getting the information I want without tipping anyone off to why I need it in the first place.

Duke would obviously know where his twin brother can be found on any given day. I’m not really Duke, and I haven’t lived in Utopia for a decade. I had no idea that Luke Castellaw is the current town fire chief.

I could kiss Missy Mae for finally revealing that information, but I don’t have the time or energy for her to mistake my gratitude for Duke initiating something else. As it is, I can’t unsee the hunger and longing in her eyes as I’m walking away .

Was she another woman that he helped, or used and then discarded? I didn’t think to look for a wedding band on her finger.

A solid three hours after I hatched this plan, I push through the double doors of the fire station, sauntering in like I have every right to be here.

As luck would have it, the person I want to speak with is the only warm body in the cramped, yet cavernous building.

Luke glances up at his brother’s face from behind a makeshift reception desk. “I was starting to wonder when you’d break.”

I scrunch Duke’s face in confusion. Break what?

Except…me. Did Luke help his twin hatch all those diabolical plans to break me back in the day? Was he aware of Duke’s intentions the night of Granny’s wake? Did he try to talk his brother out of going, or did he encourage him?

Luke rolls his eyes like he’s expecting Duke to play hard to get. “Oh, come on. Your fake email didn’t fool me.”

Duke sent an email to his brother? With the slow-ass internet we get around here?

Luke shakes his head, but he’s smiling as he rounds the desk. Before I can so much as form another coherent thought, strong arms wrap around Duke’s tension-bunched shoulders.

There’s so much love, so much security in this embrace that it’s nearly impossible to bite back a sob.

I melt into the feeling of being cared for deeply by another human being, even though I know that it’s all a lie. I can’t bring myself to feel bad about it.

I sink deeper, absently noting all the differences between them.

They’re the same size, the same coloring.

Luke smells like laundry detergent with an underlying hint of smoke, not like rain-soaked forest undercut by motor oil.

His clean-shaven face feels smooth against the part of Duke’s cheek that isn’t covered by a beard.

After Luke gets his fill, he steps back, holding his brother at arm’s length.

He looks happy, if tired, with faint smile lines around his eyes and fainter dark circles beneath them.

Not the brooding, surly personality that his brother gives off in spades.

The Utopia VFD t-shirt that he’s wearing stretches across a chest that’s not quite as sculpted as Duke’s.

He wears his hair short and cropped close to his head, a stark contrast to his twin’s feral-looking style.

If I had to guess, I’d say they purposefully set out to separate their interlocked identities as grown men.

His gaze darts to the thick, old book that’s tucked under Duke’s arm, and his eyebrows jump. “Trying again?”

“Uh, yep.” I cough to make Duke’s voice sound normal. “That’s me. Trying again.”

Luke winces as he finally releases his brother. “That might be a bit above your paygrade. Billy or Tommy probably have some books that you’d enjoy more, if you really want to read.”

I rack my knowledge banks for who those people might be, and why they’d have books that Duke would enjoy more.

When the information hits me, I stare at Luke like he can’t possibly be serious. Billy and Tommy must be his sons. Best guess, they’re roughly ten years old.

“Do you think I’m stupid?” I blurt.

If Duke’s own twin has been treating him like this for his whole life, then it’s no wonder that he’s such an insufferable asshole. I know all too well what it’s like for your closest blood to betray your love and trust so sharply. It leaves an indelible wound behind.

Luke frowns. “You’re not stupid. You’re dyslexic. I hate it when you say shit like that about yourself.”

I recoil like Luke’s words have just slapped me upside my stupid head. This is definitely a plot twist that I never saw coming.

Duke is dyslexic?

A flashback montage of memories slams into me. All those times he made fun of me for reading. The glares he used to throw me in class. That time he knocked a stack of books out of my hands in the middle of town.

Knowing why doesn’t excuse his behavior. It certainly colors his motivation, though. Everything I ever thought I knew about the man unravels a little more.

Which brings me back to why I’m here. I shake off the pain and try to focus .

To keep things as casual as possible, I plop Duke’s ass onto a nearby folding chair that creaks dangerously beneath his weight.

“Cash must’ve told you what I’ve been up to for the past week.” I hold my breath, hoping I’m right. If I’m not, I don’t have a Plan B.

Luke barks out a short laugh. “I was relieved when he told me what’s going on. I’ve seen her going in and out of your shop. I let myself in a few days ago, convinced I’d find your dismembered body in there somewhere.”

That gets my attention real fast.

“You thought she murdered me?” It’s flattering that he thinks I’m so capable.

He shrugs. “She never wanted anything to do with you before. I was honestly a little worried that you were pulling out all the stops before she leaves town for good, and that maybe she finally had enough and snapped. I saw what she did to your truck.” He snickers.

I squint. Is Luke seriously telling me that his damned brother was planning to enact his final torture campaign right after my granny died? For what—shits and giggles and one last trip down memory lane before we’d never see each other again?

I really might end him. Just as soon as I get my body back.

I need to know what I should be on the lookout for, so I echo, “…pulling out all the stops?”

A slow smile spreads across Luke’s face, genuine enough that his eyes twinkle with delight.

“You know, a little forced proximity? Offer to help her fix up the old McCoy place, make yourself indispensable, show her what she’d be missing out on if she doesn’t at least give you a chance after all these years. ”

I gape at him, openly breaking character.

He doesn’t seem to notice, just goes right on shooting the shit with his brother.

“I asked Cash if he saw whether she was wearing a ring. He didn’t think to look.

” A smirk replaces the genuine smile. “I’m guessing she’s still single, if you’ve been holed up out there all week, though. How’s it going? Wearing her down yet?”

Oh, he’s wearing me down all right. Just not in the way Luke’s implying .

Maybe I’m hallucinating this entire conversation, like the monster that I saw in Wallace’s place the other night.

I snap Duke’s mouth shut and mirror Luke’s smirk. “Not quite. She’s still pissed about all the shit I pulled back in the day.”

Luke cocks his head back. “Damn, seriously? Panting after her like a lovesick puppy wasn’t enough? What more could she want—to put you on a full leash as a sign of commitment?”

If this isn’t the biggest example of toxic masculinity that I’ve ever been faced with, then I’ll actually try to suck Duke’s dick tonight.

I shake off that horrifying intrusive thought and dig a little deeper. “More like she’s finally giving back as good as she always got. She screamed at me the other day about that time I told half the town that she got rabies from fucking sheep.”

Luke bursts out laughing. “Let me guess. You enjoyed her undivided attention so much that you didn’t bother to tell her that wasn’t you?”

It wasn’t?

Shit. How do I ask that question without tipping Luke off? It’s a miracle I’m fooling him at all, considering they’re twins.

“That wasn’t the only thing she screamed at me about,” I say, changing tactics. “She aired out the whole laundry list. The dead frog in her backpack, the ripped-up homework, the rumor about the mafia in college.”

Luke’s expression sobers. He makes a time out motion with his hands. “Hold up. Duke. Listen, I know you’ve carried a torch for Delia for half your life, but have you considered how much people can change in a decade? That doesn’t sound like the kind of woman who deserves your undying devotion.”

I taste rancid milk in the back of Duke’s throat. Every ounce of my concentration goes toward swallowing down the vile flavor of misogyny being shoved into Duke’s mouth, where I have to choke on it.

Fuck that whole boys will be boys shit. I didn’t ask to be tormented as some sick, twisted plea for attention. Why should I have to appreciate taunts instead of asking how my day was? Am I supposed to be grateful for pranks in the place of gifts? Abuse instead of kisses ?

Luke seems patient to wait for Duke to come to an obvious conclusion, so I think fast.

“I haven’t carried a torch for anyone,” I argue. Sounds exactly like how Duke would respond to such an idiotic assumption. “I’ve been fucking anything with tits and a whiff of interest for half my life.”

Luke’s expression sours further. “Yeah, and it’s been hell watching you lie to yourself all these years.”

“How have I been lying to myself?” I push back.

“Because I know you better than you know yourself sometimes, brother,” he murmurs.

“You think your life—your happiness—is expendable because you believe you’ll never amount to being anything more than a mechanic.

You’ve been offering up pleasure to people who are missing out on it as some kind of sick means of self-torture, because the only woman you ever wanted wouldn’t even look at you.

You figured if you couldn’t have a happy ending, then the next best thing was to give it to everyone else. ”

I open and close my mouth numerous times, but no words escape.

At least I have confirmation that what I heard and saw at The Flame wasn’t entirely my imagination playing tricks on me.

I refuse to praise the reason why he started helping those women.

In fact, I loathe him even more for the why.

Luke pushes on, “I know Delia broke your heart when she left and never looked back, but instead of moving on and getting over her, you refused to even try to find someone who could take her place. You watched what Daddy went through when Mama died, what I went through when Shauna left, so you didn’t want to bother anymore. ”

I stare at him. I had no idea the mother of Luke’s sons wasn’t around.

He continues, believing that I’m staring at him for wholly different reasons. “We shared the same womb. I might not be like you, but we’re not as different as you wish. I get it. It’s easier that way. If you’re not worthy of love, then you don’t have to admit that you’re terrified of it.”

My voice sounds like nothing I’ve ever heard from Duke when I croak, “Maybe I’m really not. Worthy.”

The words echo in my chest .

I’m not talking about Duke.

Luke reaches across the desk and wraps his hand around his brother’s forearm. “You are worthy.”

A sob catches in my throat before my vision swims. The fire station looks like it’s speeding away from me. Panic ratchets up my heart rate until a warm feeling spreads through Duke’s tense muscles, like a weighted blanket wrapping around his shoulders.

I blink at a scene that looks straight out of a Norman Rockwell print.

A cozy sitting room with logs crackling in the fireplace. Worn, comfortable furnishings and toys scattered on the area rug that’s faded where footsteps have trod year after year.

A black and white cat perches on a nearby windowsill, sunning itself.

A peal of laughter draws my attention to the people in the home.

There’s so much obvious affection from the man who’s tickling the wriggling toddler on his lap. She collapses onto his chest in a fit of giggles, sticking her thumb in her little pink mouth. He pats her back and nuzzles his face in her mop of red hair.

My breath catches when the man lifts his gaze.

Duke.

His hair isn’t quite as long and the beard is more scruff than anything, but the look in his eyes is achingly…happy.

He turns his attention to the other figure on the couch, so I do, too.

The woman rests her back against the couch’s arm with her legs extended until her feet rest on Duke’s lap. She pats her swollen belly.

Duke smiles. “Thank you, Gingersnap.”

No.

I wrench myself back into reality with a searing gasp. Blistering pain skitters along Duke’s skin. Sweat dampens his forehead as I refocus on Luke’s worried gaze.

Another blink, and the inside of the firehouse replaces the vision that brought me a little closer to incurable madness.

Luke’s frown deepens. “I know you don’t want to hear this, but maybe it’s time to let Cordelia go. For good. ”

I whisper, “Couldn’t agree more. The sooner I help her get the homestead ready for sale, the sooner I can get on with it.”

“Get back to it then,” Luke murmurs. “And Duke?”

I rise from the creaky old chair. “Yeah?”

“Don’t lose yourself before then, okay?”

I choke on a sob and force out a laugh. “Easier said than done.”

Luke chuckles.

I pause at the door and look back at the face that’s almost identical to the one I’m wearing. “Tell the boys I love ‘em.”

“Will do. Now, get outta here and get busy so they can have you back. They’re driving me crazy, and you missed last week’s sleepover.”

I squint against the blinding sunshine when I exit the building.

The hallucination of the monster in The Flame was bad enough. This…memory, vision, whatever it was, threatens to crack me wide open. With every friendly face I pass through town, with every offer to stop and talk, I’m on high alert for another one to pull me completely under.

If I lose my mind completely, will Duke even have a body left to get back to?