Page 34 of A Legacy of Stars (The Lost God Legacies)

34

STELLA

T he following afternoon, Stella sprawled on her bed, making a list of all the herbs she wanted to have in hand for the final magic challenge.

A light knock on her bedroom door startled her. She looked up to find her father leaning against the doorframe.

“Arden Teripin is in the sunroom again,” her father said. “Is this going to be a regular thing?”

Stella didn’t move. She should have been prepared for Arden to show up, but when he wasn’t there to greet her at the end of the memory challenge, it had solidified where she stood with him.

When she’d heard someone at the front door, a part of her had hoped it was Teddy. He had no reason to come looking for her, but after her conversation with her mother, she couldn’t get him off her mind.

“Stella?” Rainer frowned, a deep crease forming in his brow. “I can send him away.”

“No, it’s not that. He’s just not who I was expecting.” She met her father’s gaze. “I’m sorry I took your spot last night.”

He smiled, and the crease in his brow softened. “That’s okay. You needed your mom. I’m happy you talked to her. She’s been missing you and I think you’ve been missing her too, even if you’re too stubborn to say so.”

“I didn’t mean to kick you out of your bed, though.”

“It was fine. I just slept in Aunt Clara’s old room. That room has the best morning sun, anyway.”

Her parents were so opposite, and yet somehow so well-suited to each other. Her mother’s grumpiness in the mornings and her father’s energy. Her father’s neatness and her mother’s mess. Her mother’s emotional nature and her father’s steadiness.

For so long, she’d admired the way they fit together like puzzle pieces. Now she understood how lovely it could be to have someone to balance her out.

“What’s on your mind, Little Star?” Her father cocked his head to the side. “Who were you expecting?”

Her mouth went dry. “No one.” Stella swallowed hard and looked toward the bedroom doorway. “I don’t know what to say to Arden.”

Her father’s eyebrows shot up. “I’m happy to ask him to leave?—”

Stella laughed. “No. I mean—” She meant she’d already made peace with him in her head and telling him felt redundant. “I mean that I don’t think Arden is who I want to tell all my stories to.”

“You were hoping it was Teddy,” Rainer said.

Stella’s cheeks heated, and she nodded. She sat up, smoothing her dress over her legs. “How did you get so good at loving Mama?”

Rainer walked to the bed and sat down beside her. “Practice. It took a long time for me to learn how to hold your mother tight enough that she could grow, but not so tight that I smothered her. To give her room to wander, but to make certain she knew I’d never truly let her go. It took years to even understand where her soul ends and mine begins. It took a lot of practice to figure out that balance, but it’s possible.” Her father paused. “Is he the one you want to tell all your stories to?”

When she didn’t say anything, her father squeezed her hand. “You’ve had all this time to be just you—to grow into yourself,” he continued. “So now you’re challenged with trying to figure out where the edges of Teddy’s heart are and to try to learn that territory together. That’s the joy and the terror—to learn that softness—to learn how badly you can hurt someone else even without meaning to. And Stell-bell—” He smiled and the crease in his brow disappeared. “It’s okay for no man to ever be good enough.”

Stella laughed. “Papa.”

He wrapped an arm around her shoulders and kissed the top of her head. “I have to say it, okay? I’m trying not to be that father who thinks no one is good enough for his baby, but just know this.” He pulled back so he could look her in the eye as he spoke. “I’ll never think a man is good enough for you unless you do, Little Star.”

Stella swallowed hard. “I know.”

“Well then. I’ll leave you to it.” Rainer kissed her cheek and left her to gather her courage.

Stella rose from the edge of the bed, checked her hair in the mirror, and smoothed her dress. Normally she would have changed into a more elegant gown, or made sure her hair was styled more neatly for Arden, but she was done trying to convince him she belonged in his world. The fact that she’d ever felt that way to begin with should have been a sign that Arden didn’t make her feel at home. She couldn’t be bothered to pretend anymore.

She descended the stairs slowly with a sense of grief creeping over her, like she had already watched her dream die and was now going to speak next to its funeral pyre.

Arden stood when she walked into the sunroom. The afternoon light made the embroidery on his tunic look too bright, almost garish, and out of place in the cozy room. He thrust a bouquet of pink roses toward her.

“Thank you,” she said, setting them on a side table and urging him to sit down beside her on the couch.

Arden studied her like he was trying to figure out what was different. Could he see the newfound weight she’d taken on?

It was irrational to think that people would be able to read it on her. Teddy had witnessed it, and it also seemed like he could read it on her face in moments when she went quiet .

But Arden had never killed someone, and he was oblivious to that feeling.

“You didn’t stop to see me and let me know you were okay,” Arden said, finally breaking the silence.

“That’s because I’m not okay.” Stella hadn’t realized until she said it aloud that it was true. She’d recovered from the initial shock of killing three men, but now she had a new revelation to contend with.

She felt awkward, like everyone could see her heart on display. Like she’d underestimated the very thing that she thought would deliver her the romance she wanted so badly.

Arden clearly had no idea what to say to that.

“You weren’t waiting for me when I returned. I almost drowned in a river. I almost bled out. I would have if it wasn’t for Teddy. I?—”

I killed someone for you .

She almost said the words, but they weren’t completely true. She had entered the contest for Arden, but she’d killed those men for Teddy—one of those things she’d never do again, and the other she’d do without hesitation.

It wasn’t worth explaining to Arden. She’d already given him too much of her time.

Arden cast his gaze down toward the floor, chastened by her words.

“I went through all of that while you were here courting Grace, safely tucked away behind your castle walls. I was gone and in danger and you didn’t even bother to change your social schedule?—”

“But I?—”

Stella stood and held up a hand to stop him. “I can only blame myself. I can see now how you have always shown me exactly who you are. I was the one who hung on to every crumb you gave me because I was so hungry to be loved by the man I thought you were—by the man you could someday be. But you aren’t that man now. I deserve better than a bouquet of flowers a day late and I deserve better than to waste my time listening to you make one more excuse as to why you couldn’t be there for me. ”

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there when you needed me.” Arden looked so sincere, and perhaps he truly was, but it didn’t really matter.

“I’ve never needed you,” Stella said. “You never made yourself available enough for me to need you. You came here to clear your conscience, and you should consider it clean now, but I have another challenge to prepare for, so I hope you’ll see yourself out.”

He stared at her in mute shock, his gaze burning into her as if trying to recognize her as the same woman he’d wanted to court at the start of the tournament. He wouldn’t find that girl.

Mercifully, Arden didn’t argue. He stood and bowed to her.

“I’m sorry for your troubles,” he said. “I simply wanted to tell you that I spoke with Grace and we decided to go our separate ways and let the bond dissipate.”

He waited for her to react, but Stella truly didn’t care what he did. When Arden realized there was no anger or joy to cling to, he turned and left Stella standing in a triangle of sunlight.

Stella waited to feel regret, but she only felt relieved. She walked into the kitchen and found her mother sitting at the kitchen table, a vase of daisies prominently displayed in front of her.

“What are those?” Stella asked.

“Teddy left them for you. He stopped by when you were with Arden. I wasn’t thinking when I said who you were with.”

A bouquet of pale pink roses sat next to the daisies. Stella nodded at it. “And those?”

Cecilia touched the flowers tenderly. “Those were for me. He saw that memory of Xander’s and I think it made him see me in a new light.”

Stella felt the heaviness of her mother’s gaze. “What did he say?”

“He said, ‘ Your daughter is very brave, and she saved my life and I can see now where she gets it from .’ He brought you the daisies as good luck for tomorrow.”

Stella pressed a hand to her heart. She couldn’t compose herself under her mother’s assessment, not that there was a point to trying. Part of her mother’s gift was to read emotions. Perhaps she could make sense of the chaos that Stella felt .

“You don’t have to know right now, Little Star. You’re very young. You have time to decide who you want to be and who you want to be with. You have always been in a rush. I know you want what I have, but remember, that was almost twenty years in the making. Your father and I had our hardships, and we took the long way home to each other. It would be okay to give yourself the gift of time, but you have to figure out what you want.”

Cecilia nodded toward the garden. “He only left a short time ago, and he seemed like he needed somewhere to think. I gave him the cottage key. I did a lot of thinking there myself back in the day. You could probably find him there.”

Stella turned to go and stopped immediately, her hands going to her hair. It was so silly. Teddy had seen her half-drowned and half-dead, splattered in blood, and naked, and she was worried she didn’t look good enough to face him in the light of day.

She smoothed her dress and turned back to her mother. “Do I look okay?”

Cecilia’s lips twisted into a soft smile. “You look beautiful.”

Stella blew out a breath and took off through the back door of the house, into the garden and down the path back toward the cliffside cottage.

The cottage, which had originally been a one-room art studio for her grandmother, had become her mother’s apartment growing up, and then a place where her parents had started their life together. Stella had lived there with them until she was three, when Rosie’s mother had needed a place to stay.

Cecilia had been heartbroken to move back to the family estate where she’d grown up, but still kept the cottage. In recent years, it had been transformed back into an art studio by Rosie’s floral sculptures and tapestries, though Stella liked to spend afternoons there watching her sister work.

Stella hesitated, her hand poised to knock on the salt-stained blue paint of the cottage door. The walk was short, but her heart pounded like she’d just run a great distance. It was strange to knock when it was her family’s property and Teddy was the visitor. Instead, she pulled the door open and stepped inside. The key was still in the inside lock. Stella turned it, listening to it click into place. Whatever was about to happen between them required no interruptions.

Teddy sat on the window seat, staring out the full wall of glass at the sea down below. A gentle breeze blew in through the open windows, ruffling his dark hair. He turned and smiled at Stella, and her heart beat harder in her chest, the bond unfurling in instant relief at the sight of him.

Stella allowed herself a moment to stare. He was dressed in a finely pressed tunic fitted perfectly to his broad chest, his hair immaculately styled, and his face clean-shaven. She preferred how he’d looked in the forest—messy and half-feral. Now he was back to playing the part he always had and the fine clothes just looked like a costume for a part he had never wanted to play.

“I didn’t want to disturb you, but I thought you might want company,” she said.

What did she even want to say to him? What could be said? Tomorrow was the final challenge—the magic challenge. She’d assumed they’d be allied with each other, but Endros might not give them a choice. She might have to hurt Teddy.

“Thank you for the daisies.”

Teddy looked away. “I figured you should get at least one bouquet of your favorites today.” He gestured to Rosie’s floral mural. “Had I known you had all of these, I would have realized a few more daisies were pointless.”

Stella beamed with pride. “I wish I could take credit, but it’s all Rosie. I mostly just sit where you are and distract her while she’s trying to work.”

He studied the mural for a few moments and then pointed to the strings of flowers hanging from the rafters—Rosie’s newest installation that she referred to as a dangling sculpture. “I’ve never seen anything like this. I should hire her to make something for my mother’s birthday.”

“I’m sure she’d be happy to. ”

“This whole place feels like it’s right out of one of your fairy tales,” he whispered.

Stella kicked off her silk slippers and crossed the room, the old floorboards creaking under her bare feet. She swiped a dried daisy crown off of the bookshelf, walked to Teddy, and placed it on his head.

“There you are. The only thing I’ve made in this room and the only crown you wish to wear.”

Teddy smiled up at her. This close, she found it impossible to contain her emotions. All the fear and grief were scratching at her chest, begging to be let free.

She took a shuddering breath. “I ended things with Arden for good. I thought you should know.”

Teddy’s eyes went wide, and he stilled. “Why?”

Stella licked her lips, her mouth suddenly dry. “I realized when I saw my parents’ memories. I wanted so badly to have what they had and that wasn’t something I could have with Arden. He can’t love me the way I need to be loved, and I finally found the courage to admit that. Thanks to you.”

Stella used to marvel at her parents. It seemed so simple for them. They sustained each other and never seemed to grow tired of it. She feared she’d never find that satisfaction. Now she feared she’d found it and it was so much worse to know it existed with the same certainty that she knew she could not keep it—that she could not keep Teddy.

She was painfully in love with him, and he was in love with Grace.

His throat bobbed, and he nodded. “I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t happy to hear that, though I’m sorry you didn’t get what you hoped for. You deserve the love you want.”

“So do you,” she countered.

He rubbed the back of his neck and brought his hand to rest over his heart. “I spoke with Grace earlier today. I apologized for not listening to her when she was trying to be honest with me. You were right that I shouldn’t have to change, but she was right that I didn’t love her as much as I loved the way she made me feel. That wasn’t fair of me.”

They stared at each other, the moment taut with everything they couldn’t say.

Stella’s heart pounded. He didn’t want Grace anymore.

Then, the reality hit her. She remembered at once the reason Teddy had entered the competition. He wanted to choose his partner. If he didn’t, he’d have to relent to a political marriage. To be with him would mean going back to Argaria with him but also being forced to perform alongside him at court. It would mean watching him suffer daily as he tried to fit himself into an impossible mold of perfection.

“It’s a shame it didn’t work out.” Teddy smirked up at her, tapping the flowers on his head. “You would look beautiful in a crown.”

“I didn’t want to be queen anyway,” Stella said.

Teddy held her gaze and licked his lips. “You don’t want to be queen, or you don’t want to be his queen?”

The question felt like too much and also like an inevitability.

They’d been headed here from the moment the goddess linked them together, or perhaps the moment he’d been so tender with her when she was too raw for anything but human touch.

But how could Stella leave her life in Olney for Teddy when she was still getting to know him? When she was just getting to know herself? When she was going to have a new baby sister or brother and Rosie and Leo needed her still? When her whole life was here?

Because even if she could give up some parts of that, she knew deep down Teddy couldn’t love her enough to make up the difference. She would compromise many things. This was her home, and it was already a stretch when she’d thought of being queen of Olney. To move so far away to a foreign court and be away from everyone she loved while having the unimaginable burden of being queen… She couldn’t do it. Love was supposed to feel like freedom. This felt like a trap, even if she’d be in the same cage as someone she loved. Even if she could look at him every day and know he saw her.

“I don’t want to be queen,” she said, her voice barely a rasp. “But maybe?— ”

Here she was again, looking down another ending and still unwilling to let go. Teddy’s disappointment hit her in the chest, knocking the wind from her lungs.

His eyes were as soft as his touch on her side. “What future could we have? You don’t want to be queen.”

“And you don’t want to be king.”

He huffed a laugh, but all she felt was his grief mingling with hers. “Unfortunately, you’re the only one who can opt out.”

Stella tapped her chest. “Too bad we’re already stuck with each other.”

Teddy smiled sadly. “Can’t regret the one reckless choice in a lifetime of careful ones.”

“Speak for yourself. I’m not about to start being careful now,” she said.

Teddy laughed—a real laugh that sent a curl of pleasure through her.

Stella had been so close to what she wanted, but timing was everything.

“It’s for the best,” she rasped. “I’m not your peace. I can’t love you the way you deserve to be loved. When I win tomorrow, I’m not going to ask for Arden’s hand. I’m going to ask for the bond to be broken so we can both be free of this.” Her voice broke, and she swallowed the lump in her throat.

It hurt to even admit it out loud, but it hurt more to see the understanding on his face. It would have been better if he were angry. She knew how to meet his fury, but had no idea how to meet this quiet compassion.

The adversity she faced hadn’t been a set-up for a grand fairy-tale romance. It was the set-up for Stella to finally figure out what she wanted and walk away when she couldn’t get it. Maybe that’s what her mother had meant—that the greater love story was about loving herself. It was a good lesson, but it didn’t make it hurt less.

“How can this be it?” She hadn’t meant to say it, but it slipped out anyway.

Teddy’s face softened, and he pulled her into a kiss. It was soft, the barest brush of his lips, like a whispered goodbye on his way to grander things.

She pushed him back against the glass, straddling his lap and kissing him harder. He groaned, one hand coming up to cup her cheek and the other pressing her body against his so hard it hurt.

“Don’t let me down easy,” he whispered between kisses.

Stella pulled on the back of his tunic until he relented, breaking their kiss to grab the collar, yank it off, and toss it to the floor. He unbuttoned the front of her dress, nipping down her chest and pressing kisses to each mark he left behind.

He moved slowly, languidly, when she wanted him to go fast, or at least faster than the wave of grief that was crashing down on her. Teddy groaned into her neck as she rolled her hips against him. He brushed his nose along her jaw, and finally kissed her again.

“Please,” she murmured against his mouth.

Could he feel the agony in that one word? Did he know that she meant my heart is in your hands and please don’t ruin me ? Or maybe she really wanted a reckoning and that plea was Please ruin me . Please wreck me this once so I’ll know it before I meet my end. Please destroy me so I can die knowing I’ve risked my heart at least once—that I’ve had the real thing this once .

Funny that she thought she’d loved before. This felt like being tossed unprepared over some cliff edge and only realizing when she felt the stomach-plunging terror of free fall that there was nothing she could do but surrender.

There was no saving herself from this. It was just another thing she would need to survive. It was so messy, like a sparring match where they were both bloodied, but neither of them was willing to surrender. She could see it in Teddy’s eyes; the silent confession, the game of chicken they were playing. I’ll pulverize your heart as you pulverize mine. I’m already devastated. May as well devastate you too.

Stella had felt bottomless for so long. No amount of love could fill her up. She wanted to be cherished, exalted, and convinced of her worthiness. But no matter how much her parents doted on her or how Arden showed her affection, she still felt restless, certain there was something she was missing.

Until now.

Teddy hiked up her dress as she fumbled with the button on his waistband.

“Slow down, Stella,” he teased, popping the button open and freeing himself from his pants.

But Stella didn’t want to go slow. Her chest was tight, eyes burning. If she didn’t replace this hurt with something more intense, she would dissolve into a crying mess and that was not how she wanted to make peace with letting him go.

She shoved the top of her dress down, pushed her undergarments to the side, and sank down on him, watching his expression morph from surprise to agonized pleasure.

“ Fuck ,” he groaned.

She held his gaze as she started to move—slowly at first, then quickly gaining momentum. He hugged her close, pressing her chest against his, keeping her from moving too fast. He gripped her hips, forcing her to ride him the way he wanted, making certain she knew that if this was their last time, he wasn’t going to let her rush him.

Joy and lust soared through their bond. Teddy looked at her with awe and she’d never felt more beautiful or more broken.

He kissed her slowly, his lips trailing up her cheeks to kiss away tears. Gods, she was crying again. He tucked his face into her neck, murmuring soft praise that sounded something like a promise to make it better.

His hands gripped her hips, moving her faster, angling her for more friction. Stella held on tight, fingernails scoring his shoulders as the pleasure wound tighter and tighter inside her. Her toes cramped, but she refused to let go. Once it was over, she wouldn’t be able to do it again. Why had she ever wanted it to end when it felt so good?

Teddy met her movements with an intuitive rhythm that sent her gasping over the edge whether she wanted to or not. Then he moaned against her chest and shuddered, and they were left panting in the almost-dark cottage .

The connection in her chest buzzed pleasantly. If she didn’t win tomorrow, it would always be there. Perhaps over time Stella would become accustomed to the ache. The bond pulled taut across the miles between them. The random swells of his anxiety with no idea what was happening to him.

Maybe with him far away, this fever between them would cool and they could see each other once a year and not feel cleaved in half when they had to go their separate ways again.

Stella was furious at Goddess Desiree for messing with their lives like this. She had no regard for the pain she caused for the sake of making a point.

“What does Minyha mean?” Stella whispered.

Teddy looked almost pained as he leaned his head back against the window and closed his eyes. “It’s hard to translate. It’s such an old word.”

“Then why use it?”

“Because it describes you perfectly.”

His lips tipped into a smirk and Stella knew he’d never tell her.

It was probably for the best. The sooner she forgot that nickname, the sooner she’d forget everything else and be able to move on with her life.