Page 29 of A Lab Rat’s Guide to Fated Love

Sixteen

Fuck him and his Fake Feelings

Nori

R yan found me later,” Nori said, skipping over the details.

“He was supposed to join us at the restaurant after work and grew worried when I didn’t return.

Cops found evidence at Sunny’s apartment indicating he’d been stalking me for months even before he first approached me in Vancouver.

Ryan hadn’t given him my number either. Or spoken to him at all. That was a lie.”

She lifted the hem of her t-shirt to reveal a cluster of jagged, ugly scars along her abdomen. “He probably assumed I was dead when he left. After being on the run for a while, he was killed in a traffic accident before the cops could get him.

“I developed severe PTSD and couldn’t talk or sleep. Couldn’t deal with the nightmares even when I did. Stole a pair of scissors from a nurse eventually and tried finishing the job.” Her thumb traced the other set of scars on her wrist.

“It was a while before I could step out of my parents’ house again.

And once I did, I drowned myself in work.

It kept me sane. I’m much better now—as you can see—after years of rehab and therapy.

No more nightmares except… well, birthdays are hard.

I was weaned off the antidepressants last year, but still carry some with me or I get anxious.

Also, I’m sterile,” she finally finished.

Her neck ached from her sitting stiff for too long.

The tension didn’t leave her body even as seconds ticked by in relative silence.

Relative, because the only ones silent were her and Vir.

In the distance, the sea still roared in its dialect of wind and waves, while close by, some kind of migratory gulls cawed over each other as they scavenged for food.

Nori wanted to join them. Go be a bird and choke on trash at the beach or whatever. Anything was better than waiting for the terrible silence to be over.

She’d ripped the band-aid off. Now he knew. She had nothing more to tell him.

Vir was so uncannily quiet; she could tell he was trying to come up with the right words to tell her to get lost. Tactfully cancel his previous confession without coming across as a hypocrite, because he’d just realized that it had, if fact, been mere infatuation he’d mistaken for love.

And that he didn’t want anything to do with her anymore.

Even though he was the kindest, most empathetic person she’d ever met, he was still just a guy. Why would he ever want her dumpster-fire of baggage in his life?

Nobody sane would. Not if they had a choice. And she wouldn’t really blame them.

Or him. Especially him. At least, she didn’t with her mind.

Her heart, however… Fuck him and his fake feelings.

She held firm on her resolution to not cry, but the rejection already stung. Worse than she’d thought it would. Even if Vir was yet to speak the words out loud.

Vir

L istening to Nori describe the horrors of her past had slowly made his limbs go numb.

Or maybe it was his blood repeatedly boiling and freezing over that had done it. Now he sat beside her, a chunk of partially cooled magma. Trying to form a coherent sentence while not daring to move, afraid he might crack and explode if he did.

His jaw clenched and unclenched, a litany of expletives fighting at the tip of his tongue. All he could think about was violent, cold-blooded murder. But the swine was already dead.

Nori…

She was still facing away from him, her gaze set on a flock of birds squabbling in the distance.

He wanted to pull her close, more for his selfish sake than hers.

Because even though he could feel everything she felt, feel the depth of her pain, he knew she didn’t need consolation from him. She was way too resilient on her own.

He was the one who needed her in his arms to be able to breathe right.

“Nori.” Her name, barely audible, was all he could manage before he exhaled in a shaky, audible huff.

Nori immediately sprung to her feet.

“It’s okay, I understand,” she said in a voice so calm it didn’t match the chaotic swirls inside her one bit. She turned and marched away from him.

“Wait, Nori.” He followed her into the living room. “What do you mean?”

“You know what I mean, and why this isn’t going to work,” she replied with her back to him. “And you certainly don’t have to feel what I feel and suffer through my crap. That’s not baggage you want to deal with.”

“No, you’re—”

“Don’t worry about wording things right or whatever. It’s fine, really. You don’t have to say anything. Let’s just keep our distance, and once you’ve recovered, we’ll go our separate ways. It’s not a big deal—”

“Nori! Will you please let me speak?” Vir interrupted her before swallowing the jagged lump in his throat. He drew in a deep breath, then a couple more. “Please—” he said, turning her around, so she faced him, “—look at me.”

Nori shook her head once, furiously glaring down at her feet. Her chin quivered, and the sight of it made his chest constrict .

“You got it all wrong.” His voice held steady when he spoke this time.

“I’m sorry for last evening. I was careless.

It won’t happen again, I promise. Also, for making you revisit everything just now.

I know it wasn’t easy. I’m sorry, and thank you.

I wish I could—I—please, don’t push me away. I love you.”

Her chin quivered again, but she didn’t respond.

“If you didn’t like me at all,” he continued, “then that would be different. But that’s not the case, is it?”

Nori shook her head again, her shoulders trembling as tears rolled down her cheeks.

“Look at me, please,” he said, fighting another stubborn lump in his throat.

And her eyes finally lifted to his.

“Tell me what you need. Anything,” he whispered. Then tentatively added, “Do you want me to go away?”

“Yes,” she whispered with a watery grimace. Then shook her head, no.

“Too bad then. I’m not going anywhere,” he said before pulling her to him and wrapping his arms around her.

“Hmph,” she mumbled into his chest.

Little by little, she relaxed into him. And as she did, with her thudding heartbeats slowly falling in sync with his, Vir’s lungs finally remembered how to breathe.

L ater that afternoon, Nori sat hunched on the couch with her laptop balanced on her knees. “I don’t feel like working today,” she mumbled lazily after a while.

“Me neither,” Vir said from the other end of the couch as he switched his e-reader on. “I was going to read a bit of light fiction instead.”

“Will you read it out loud?” Nori shut her laptop and scooted closer to him.

“Sure. Pick something.”

She took the device and scrolled till she found one she liked. “This one.”

As Vir began, Nori leaned her head against his shoulder and closed her eyes.

And just like that, a random thought materialized and made his heart home.

He wished he’d catch a cold—a harmless little snotty one.

So he could make her laugh with his runny nose, like he’d unintentionally done all those years ago.

He’d fallen for her laughter then, too, just as he’d fallen for it now. Effortlessly, all over again. He pressed his lips to her hair once before continuing.

“Are you asleep?” he whispered after a while.

“No.”

“Do you want to do something else?”

“Like what?”

“We did agree to pretend this was a vacation earlier.”

“We did.”

“But we haven’t done a single touristy thing yet.”

“We haven’t.” She leaned away to regard him with a curious glint in her eyes.

They came out of the elephant sanctuary a few hours later, partially drenched after being splashed by a group of adolescent elephants they’d watched playing by a stream.

A kind snack-stall owner handed them a bunch of tissues at the exit, as they tried to recall where they’d parked their rented bike while also trying not to bend over laughing at each other’s dumb state.

On their way back, after a short trip to the flea market nearby, they stopped at a busy-looking diner for dinner.

“The reviews for the mushroom cheese dosa here are crazy. Let’s try that,” she said, putting her phone away and stepping in queue to wait for their turn.

Once seated, each of them ordered an individual dosa set, complete with mashed potatoes, sambar, three different chutneys, and a tall glass of spiced buttermilk on the side. Vir added a spicy vegetable curry to their order that was highlighted as chef’s special on the menu.

He dipped his dosa into the curry, took a large bite, and a split second later, his mouth was on fire. As were his esophagus and every other connected passageway in his body.

“Don’t eat that if you can’t handle spice,” Nori said, her gaze alternating between the curry and his bright red face.

“It’s nothing.” Vir huffed. While he liked spicy food, the abomination in front of him wasn’t spicy. It was straight up lava in a bowl. “I love spice. Watch.”

Nori pursed her lips, trying not to laugh, while he swallowed a few more mouthfuls .

“Argh.” He swore, downing his entire glass of buttermilk before reaching for Nori’s and downing that, too.

“Stop torturing yourself!” She burst out laughing. “Your whole face is leaking.”

She was right. It was leaking—snot, sweat, and tears.

Vir inhaled through his mouth while the pufferfish inside his chest bloated happily as he watched her laugh. He let his runny nose flow downward before snorting it back up again.

Nori clutched her sides, laughing harder than before.

“Stop it,” she finally managed, barely composing herself. She grabbed a bunch of tissues from a just vacated table nearby and passed those to him. “Seriously, Vir. I know you’re doing it on purpose.”

He shrugged, wiping his face clean. “I had to make sure you recognized me as your first love.”

“You’re gross.”

He shrugged again. “You’d still kiss me, though. Snot and all.”

“Never.” She giggled.

Nori

T he next few weeks went by in a blur.

Nori kept expecting Vir to turn away from her, now that he knew about her past and the baggage she carried. But for some unfathomable reason, his demeanor towards her remained unchanged. For the most part.

She suspected there was something seriously wrong with him—some old brain injury resurfacing maybe, or a side effect from the mites she wasn’t aware of.

Or maybe… maybe he truly thought he was in love with her.

All of her. And he thought wrong. Because he was going to spot the flaws in his perception and come around to a more realistic conclusion soon. She just had to give it time.

The only noticeable difference in Vir’s behavior was how delicately he’d started treating her. It was subtle, but she could tell right away how he was too careful of their proximity. Overly cautious of his movements around her. Like she’d break if his arm merely brushed against hers.

She felt like she should be grateful for his concern, but the tiptoeing only made her annoyed. And guiltier.

Vir seeing her realistically was a certainty she knew was going to happen sooner or later. He was going to see her someday, really, truly see—with all her flaws and scars and everything. And his rose-tinted glasses would finally come off.

He’d leave then. And it’d wreck her.

She couldn’t refute the inevitability of it. And there was no point in hoping for a different outcome for the doomed trajectory she was setting herself on, knowing fully well it was going to lead to nothing but heartbreak.

Yet, just for a little while, she wanted to be reckless. And she wanted to be selfish. She wanted to allow herself to have a taste of everything she desired, but was never going to have as hers.

She had her Plan-A patiently waiting for her for afterwards —a life somewhere far off in the mountains as the single, old, scientist lady with her army of spoiled cats to keep her company.

“Vir…” she finally confronted him one day.

“Hmm?”

“I know you’re trying to be careful. And it’s… thoughtful of you. But I need you to stop tiptoeing around me. Please.”

Vir pursed his lips. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I don’t want to hurt you again.”

“You won’t.”

“You don’t know that. Even I don’t know that.”

“Allow me the chance to tell you, then.” Nori crossed her arms against her chest and let out a frustrated sigh before dropping them onto her lap again. “I don’t understand why you… how you still want me. But as long as you do, please don’t walk on eggshells around me.”

Vir stared at her for a long moment before he calmly stated, “I’ll always want you, Nori,” as if reciting an obvious elementary school science fact that she should already know.

Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell, Nori. She rolled her eyes.

He’d always want her? Always ?

“Always is a long time,” she said.

“I hope it is.”

“We’ll see.”

“We will.” Vir smiled, a slight quivering of his lips at first, before it widened into a full, lopsided grin that reached all the way up to his eyes behind the round gold-rimmed glasses he wore.

Nori suppressed a chuckle, then quickly looked away as her thoughts started wandering again. Ever since Vir had found out how she felt, keeping her emotions in check around him had become a ridiculous new challenge.

Even without the glasses, she had a hard time keeping herself from staring at him for too long. Staring led to thoughts, and thoughts led to a forbidden flurry of emotions. Emotions meant Vir sensing feelings as they formed and shifted and surged inside her in real-time.

Masking her sudden bursts of affection while she watched him go about the place, doing some of the most mundane activities as “I was just thinking about my cat” no longer worked.

He knew exactly who she was thinking about every time he caught her ogling at him like an idiot with her single remaining brain-cell taking a dip in the gutter.

It melted her from the inside, watching Vir drag a stool to sit beside her while he listened to her talk about one of her many theories.

Or when he’d absentmindedly scrunch his nose at something he came across while engrossed in a book.

Or when he’d hum a song she didn’t recognize under his breath while cooking.

Or when he’d pause mid-typing to tuck a stray curl behind her ear, before immediately returning to the click-clacks of his keyboard, as if he hadn’t just made her blush the exact shade of a ripe tomato. Or when he…

Dammit.

None of her old distractions worked anymore. He was her biggest distraction now. And her sanctuary of calm at the same time.

The intensity of her own feelings terrified her. Because the harder she let herself fall for him, the more painful it was going to be when he eventually left.

She was doomed.

But it wasn’t just her emotions that were giving her a hard time. Her body, too, had developed a mind of its own. It wanted him. All of him.