Page 47

The morning brought a moment which would once have been cause for great rejoicing.

Mr. Collins waylaid Mrs. Bennet for the purpose of informing her that he was in want of a wife and had come with the intention of choosing his bride from among her daughters.

But now she could only feel dismay. None of her girls wanted to receive an offer from this silly man who was thinking of proposing without even waiting to receive some sign of interest from them.

Mrs. Bennet was determined that they should not be so ill used. Unfortunately, bothering people appeared to be an art at which Mr. Collins was adept. And she hadn’t much confidence in her ability to dissuade this foolish creature. But she owed it to her daughters to make a valiant effort.

“You do them a great honour, and I thank you on their behalf,” she diplomatically said. “However, all of them would undoubtedly decline. I strongly advise you to look elsewhere for a wife.”

“Their modesty only adds to their perfections,” he responded. “A little unwillingness will make them more amiable in my eyes.”

“You can expect a great deal of unwillingness.”

“That is no impediment to me. I am willing to repeat the offer as many times as necessary.”

“As many times as necessary!” Mrs. Bennet cried. “What use do you suppose that will be?”

“All the use in the world. I understand that young ladies often reject the men whom they mean to accept in the end. It is a charming sort of coquettishness, which I am happy to indulge.”

Mrs. Bennet wasn’t happy to indulge such foolishness as this. “I think it would be irrational for any young lady to turn down a man whom she actually wanted to marry. And my daughters are not irrational.”

“One does not think of rationality in connection with ladies,” Mr. Collins said. “That is why I am willing to persist with as many applications as necessary.”

She looked at him in horror. The man was proposing to torment her daughters. “Surely you cannot think me coquettish when I tell you that my daughters do not say things they don’t mean. They would refuse an offer from you in complete seriousness.”

But Mr. Collins wasn’t listening. Evidently he preferred the sound of his own voice, which he now employed in a lengthy explanation of his reasons for marrying, and also for directing his views toward Longbourn rather than his own neighbourhood, in which he could assure her that many amiable young women dwelled.

He concluded by emphasizing that he had been happy to discover all his cousins possessed of such beauty and character that any man must admire. “It was no easy business to single out one, but I have a particular inclination toward the eldest Miss Bennet.”

By this time Mrs. Bennet had perceived that a different tactic was required.

“I do hope your inclination is not too particular,” she said in a kindly voice.

“Unfortunately I have to tell you that my eldest daughter is on the verge of becoming engaged.” If only this were true.

But she had no qualms about lying to spare Jane an unpleasant encounter.

Mr. Collins looked very much taken aback, but he recovered swiftly. Only a few seconds passed before he expressed the opinion that the sister next in age would suit him just as well.

“I am certain that she would not,” Mrs. Bennet bluntly informed him. “Elizabeth is strong-minded and outspoken. Personally I think that these are admirable traits, but they make her unsuitable for marriage to a man in your situation.”

Mr. Collins brushed this aside. “I find my cousin Elizabeth uniformly charming. Her wit and vivacity are acceptable to me, especially as I have no doubt of them being appropriately tempered by the respect which Lady Catherine’s rank commands.”

Mrs. Bennet looked at him in some astonishment.

The man couldn’t even comprehend his own best interest. Lizzy would drive him mad inside a month.

There was only one recourse. “I have neglected to mention that one of our neighbours—a very eligible gentleman who desires nothing more than an opinionated wife—has formed an attachment to Lizzy. We expect to be making an announcement any day now.”

“That is most unfortunate. But Miss Mary is also a charming young lady.”

“She is indeed; however, I must inform you that Mary has formed the firm resolution of never marrying.”

This statement only caused Mr. Collins to smile. “I am aware that it is a common practice of elegant females to make such declarations for the purpose of increasing a gentleman’s love by suspense. But I have no doubt of her accepting an eligible offer once it is presented.”

“I think you must be right,” Mrs. Bennet said, “and I am glad to hear that this is your opinion, for I know that an eminent gentleman of our acquaintance intends to make Mary an offer at any moment. And as they are perfectly matched, this union is exactly what Mr. Bennet and I wish for her.”

Mr. Collins scarcely blinked. “Cousin Kitty is very pretty.”

“And very much attached to a childhood friend who enjoys the patronage of a wealthy uncle and is at the beginning of an illustrious career in the legal profession.”

“Cousin Lydia—”

“Is too young for marriage,” Mrs. Bennet declared. “Her manners are not yet what they should be, as you saw for yourself yesterday evening.”

Mr. Collins seemed to have forgotten his affront. “It was a trifling matter,” he said. “And she has many amiable qualities.”

“She has a few,” the reluctant mother allowed, “but you will be shocked to hear that she has no regard for men of the cloth. A clergyman is the last person in the world Lydia would marry.”

There was something in Mr. Collins’s expression which suggested that he did not consider this to be a stumbling block.

Mrs. Bennet resigned herself to the necessity of one more lie. “Anyway, Lydia has an understanding with one of the officers, which will become an official engagement once Mr. Bennet and I deem her mature enough for marriage. Which should be soon, for she is a quick learner.”

Instead of appearing defeated, Mr. Collins looked bullish.

“You have been remarkably fortunate in getting five daughters settled,” he declared.

“Indeed, your situation is miraculous. I cannot wonder at such charming and attractive ladies being the objects of much admiration; however, their portions are so small as to undo the effects of loveliness and amiability. I do wonder if it might be precipitous to anticipate five proposals of marriage. Or even one, for that matter.”

“But yesterday you had no doubt of them all marrying well,” Mrs. Bennet cried in offence.

He frowned as though he couldn’t even remember his own compliment, which wasn’t surprising for a man so fond of making them.

But then his expression suddenly brightened.

“I believe I said in the due course of time. But certainly not all at once. Perhaps you have mistaken the intentions of these gentlemen. I am not now to learn that it is usual with mothers to anticipate the addresses of men who do not actually mean to propose.”

Mrs. Bennet was feeling a bit ashamed of having lied to suit her purpose. But she stiffly informed him, “The gentlemen of whom I spoke are able to marry without regard to fortune.”

“A fine thing, I am sure, yet their ability to do so does not necessarily mean that they will embark upon such a reckless course of action. Gentlemen of wealth know what is due to their position and their family. Lady Catherine has often said that her nephews will never enter into the married state without the approval of their relatives.”

Feeling very much irritated, Mrs. Bennet said, “Then it is fortunate that none of my daughters’ suitors are nephews of Lady Catherine. They may marry as they choose.”

“They may do, but even setting fortune aside, I cannot think wealthy men likely to choose ladies with such a lack of education, connections, and accomplishment as my cousins. That is the way of the world, but for a humble clergyman such as myself, these things can more easily be overlooked. It is true that with my expectations and my current situation, including the friendship of Lady Catherine, I could aspire to a more advantageous match; however, her ladyship wishes me to choose a useful sort of lady who has not been brought up too high and is able to make a small income go a good way.”

Mrs. Bennet seized upon this opening. “Unfortunately my daughters have been brought up high. As I mentioned yesterday, none of them can cook, and they have no experience at managing upon a small income. I fear that her ladyship would find them ill qualified for Hunsford Parsonage.”

For a second she thought about mentioning that Charlotte Lucas had the qualities he desired, but she was uncertain if it would be kind to help her acquire a husband, or unkind to steer such an irritating man in her direction.

Mr. Collins smiled. “Your doubts do you credit. It is very proper of you to consider what will best suit Lady Catherine, but you need not have any fear on that score. Your notion of the word high must be very different from hers. I cannot imagine that she would disapprove of any one of my cousins, especially as I shall speak in the highest terms of their modesty, economy, and other amiable qualifications, which I was able to observe for myself yesterday evening.”

“But they are always overspending their allowances. A wife who is overly fond of bonnets and fripperies will not do for you. Indeed, I think I must refuse to sanction your proposals for your own benefit. You will do better to seek a lady who understands household economy and can make herself useful in the kitchen.”

“I am confident that my wife will have no difficulty adjusting to her new circumstances. And Lady Catherine particularly desired me to offer for one of my cousins. It was her opinion that I should consider it my duty to preserve them from being destitute, and I do not take her advice lightly.”