Page 42 of A Fire in Their Hearts

I’ve been fighting the king’s army for years and have even killed men in this journey of mine. There’s no way I’m giving in to this heinous man because he threatens me. My fear is pushed aside by anger as I glance around for a potential weapon. There’s nothing within reach.

‘No.’

‘Do it!’

‘You only bought my labour, not me! I’ll let no man defile my body, no matter who he is. You—’

His punch to my stomach is so fast I’ve no time to react and I’m knocked backwards several feet before landing on the floor, gasping and helpless, the world a blur through my tears.

He lifts me as if I weigh almost nothing and throws me on the bed, then he takes hold of the bottom of my breeches.

I raise my knees and hold on to the waistband, but he pulls them off without any effort and when I try to stop him removing my shirt, he slaps my face so hard my ears ring like a cracked church bell.

I’m sickened by how easily he’s stripped me naked and watch in shock as he removes his clothes. I slide across the bed. He takes hold of one of my ankles and pulls me back.

‘Let go of me! Have some mercy. I beg you. I’m a decent woman.’

With all my strength I force my knees together, but he takes hold of both ankles and simply pulls my legs apart. I thrust my hands down to hide my privacy.

‘No! No!’

Drummond must be twice my weight and when he lies on top the air is squeezed out of my lungs in a huge gush.

It’s difficult to breathe. I try to gouge his eyes, but he’s obviously experienced in rape and anticipates the move, catching my wrists and pinning down my arms. With despair, I realise that he enjoys this.

I attempt to twist and turn yet can barely move as he positions himself, deliberately slowly, as though this is all part of his pleasure.

I can’t stop him. I can’t stop him.

‘You’re mine!’

‘No! Please no!’

But screaming and fighting back only excites him more.

Samuel, where are you .?.?. Where are you?

‘I’m the master!’ he crows. ‘I’m the master!’

In that moment, he is a man possessed, repeating the words again and again. Desperately, I try to take my mind to another place, when life was safe and whole and Samuel drew pictures of me because we were in love and he—

I’m the master! I’m the master!

I can’t get myself away from this bed and what’s happening. The brutality is too real to escape it in my mind. I’m trapped here in every sense because every sense is being assaulted, defiled, ripped away from the certainties I used to have.

Suddenly Drummond screams the words, then he goes limp, panting and sweating. I can’t do anything except lie here, crying and waiting for him to move.

During all those months in Greyfriars Kirkyard when there was no water to wash with, or as we sat amongst the filth sloshing about in the hold of the Crown of London , I never felt dirty in the way I do now. That was dirt on my skin, but this .?.?. this has made me dirty.

Eventually, he gets up and stands looking down upon me. I curl in on myself, trying to cover as much of my body as possible. He laughs.

‘Decent, Christian, Scottish woman. I’m already looking forward to your next visit, Violet.’

Not even bothering to dress, he walks over to the bureau and refills his glass. I get up and, with my back to him, hurriedly dress. When I glance around, he’s reading some papers as if I’m not even here and with no other instructions I escape from the room.

As soon as I set foot in the corridor, McKinnon takes me roughly by the arm and pulls me downstairs. Once we’re outside he drags me away from the direction of the huts.

‘Where are we going?’

‘You have more than one master.’

The realisation of what he intends suddenly washes over me like a wave, and I struggle against him more fiercely than I’ve ever fought before.

‘No! Let me go! You can’t! You can’t!’

The reality is he can.

He does.

*?*?*

I don’t remember how I got here. The sky is above.

I’m lying on the ground. My clothes are nearby.

Fragments of the evening begin to take shape in my mind.

Every part of me hurts, inside and out. My soul hurts the most. Without warning my entire body goes rigid.

When the spasm passes, I’m trembling uncontrollably.

If I stay here it’s likely I’ll die. There is a part of me that wants this .

.?. to let all the pain in my life fade away with death.

Maybe Samuel is waiting and we could be together again if I would only give in.

I can’t. The effort needed to stand leaves me gasping, and without the strength to put on my clothes I merely hug the bundle to my chest.

When I open the door the murmuring stops instantly.

A few rushlights reveal a hut similar to the men’s, with some women and children in beds and others on the floor.

I just remain there, whimpering and shaking.

No one speaks for several moments, then suddenly figures move in the semi-darkness.

A woman gently takes my arm, leading me into the centre. The door is closed.

They know. They know.

A few precious candles are lit. Someone removes the clothes in my arms and I stand naked in front of everyone. Naomi kneels at my feet. She has a basin of water and a cloth. With extraordinary tenderness she wipes my thighs and between my legs.

I don’t have the words to describe my gratitude. There are no words.

I’m wailing now, huge sobs wrenched from deep within me are flung around the hut to splatter every inch with such misery and despair that the wood will be forever tainted .?.?. like me.

Another figure leads me over to an empty bed.

I’m like a child as she puts me in it then lies beside me.

This total stranger, who can surely have no reason to help, gently moves my head on to her chest and holds me tightly, while I cry my broken heart out until I’m finally overcome by exhaustion and grief.

*?*?*

When I wake, daylight is creeping into the hut. I’m still lying in the same position, held by the woman who cradled me last night. Has she lain with me throughout the night? Slowly I pull back to look at her face.

‘You’ll live, sleep and work with us,’ she says.

‘Thank you.’ My voice is so hoarse and rough I can hardly speak. ‘My name’s Violet.’

‘I’m called Shoshana. You will not think it possible, but you must find the strength to work. For the next few days, the masters will be watching carefully to make sure you don’t run away or harm yourself. Some women try after the first time. Stay close to me. Later we can talk.’

I keep within the middle of the women throughout the morning, clearing yet another field of withes. Occasionally I’m aware of McKinnon, Hunter or Findlay watching me but they don’t come near. They’re mainly busy abusing the men harvesting sugar canes a couple of fields away.

A girl of about ten walks by, carrying two containers of water that must weigh almost as much as she does.

The children are used to looking after the animals and I know this water is being taken to the mules waiting to bring back the cut canes.

She stops and speaks briefly to Shoshana before continuing.

‘Tamar says Calum is speaking this morning,’ says Shoshana when she’s beside me once more. ‘That’s a good sign he’ll recover. He’s asking about you.’

Panic grips me like a vice. ‘He mustn’t know!’

‘Don’t worry about that. Nobody will tell him what’s happened until he’s strong enough to learn of such things, and then you must be the one. You can visit him later, after the first bell.’

I think back to when I entered the hut last night, and how Shoshana held me like a mother holding her frightened child. She did not even know me.

‘Why are you so kind to me?’ I ask.

‘Because we’re not what the masters make us out to be. They have their muskets and weapons and force us into this life, quoting from their book that this is what our lives should be. It never was until they captured us.’

‘You held me throughout the night. Thank you.’

‘We’re women,’ she says by way of explanation. ‘Every woman in our hut has been raped and many continue to be by Drummond and his men. Only the very young and the old escape it. I was barely fifteen when it first happened to me.’

Deep lines of despair and pain have aged her beautiful face, while the harsh work has made her hands hard and calloused. She has been forced to endure this abuse for so many years, yet her heart has not been hardened and I stand in awe of a generosity of spirit that I don’t have.

‘You were so young,’ I whisper.

Some of her anger spills out now. ‘Yes, and I had Tamar because of it! The birth was so brutal upon my body that I never had another child. And I held you because I’ll never forget the terror of that first rape, just as you won’t forget last night. It will always be a part of you, Violet. Always.’

*?*?*

Several days later I end up in Drummond’s bedroom again.

Since the first attack it’s been impossible to think of anything other than this inevitable second assault.

The women in the hut have told me it would happen again – there is no escaping it – and all I can do is try to survive as best as I can.

My only chance to reduce this new horror in my life is to use his weaknesses, because like all men of his type he is vain, greedy, mean and jealous.

‘Master, am I your property?’

‘As long as you are on my plantation, you belong to me.’

I’m careful not to accuse him of anything bad. ‘After you and I were together, your overseer raped me.’

According to Shoshana, Hunter even used to rape women in the fields while other slaves carried on working only yards away, but Drummond put a stop to this because it interfered with productivity.

Now I’m relying on him considering me to be a different type of property, a different type of trophy. The words almost choke me.

‘Master, I told Mister McKinnon I am your property alone, but he didn’t respect that fact.’

I wait in petrified silence while he stares at me, his anger becoming increasingly clear as he thinks through the implications of what I’ve said, that it’s he, Drummond, who is not being respected sufficiently.

Suddenly he marches towards the door and into the corridor.

A furious row erupts between the two men but there is only one plantation owner and when Drummond comes back I know that the other men won’t be allowed to physically hurt me, at least . .?. not rape.

My ‘victory’ is accompanied by crushing shame.

The other women will be assaulted more often because the men cannot touch me.

My Christianity gives me a voice they don’t have.

The consequences of my cowardice will have to be faced, for the others will find out what I’ve done and I can hardly expect them to forgive me.

And I am not free of abuse. For now I must endure what I cannot prevent and my courage is failing rapidly. I’m on the verge of throwing myself on the floor and begging him to leave me alone.

‘Well,’ he says, after we’ve stood for a while watching each other.

I must do this terrible, sickening deed and not reveal how repulsed I am by it, because I have to make Drummond think I’ve submitted to him in order not to be closely watched in the coming weeks.

How many times I must do this I don’t know, but I do know that Calum and I will escape and that secret knowledge gives me some strength.

Slowly, reluctantly, I remove my clothes.