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Putting my finger on my chin, I think about it before saying, “I can’t say that I have ever been around one.”

He gives me that knowing look. “Exactly. I guess we know why now. Safety.”

We both burst out laughing just as a deer leaps across the path in front of us. It’s one of my favorite parts about doing patrols. It’s a time to walk through the woods, listen to life, and enjoy the quiet. There isn’t anything that can match the serene feeling of it.

“It’s always nice to see the forest come to life after a long, cold winter. Watching the babies of each species popping their heads out, flying for the first time, and taking those first steps. I’m excited that this year, we will have the first set of babies to watch do all of those things, too,” I say, as I squat down to inspect a tiny pink flower pushing through the brush.

Silas walks up next to where I’m squatted. “Yeah, it’s nice to see our pack flourishing again. Do you think our parents would be proud of what we have done with it?”

Bolting upright, I brush my hands off on my pants. Without a word, I take off, walking down the path. Silas mutters a “fuck” before I hear him catch up to me.

“Come on, man, you ever going to talk about it?”

“What is there to talk about? They’re dead, and nothing I say is going to change that. No amount of talking about it is going to bring them back to life, so why even bother?” I snap.

“You know it’s not your fault, right?”

Growling, I spin on him. “If I hadn’t been playing that game, they never would have been on that interstate. So, forgive me for feeling like it’s completely my fault. I said I don’t want to talk about it. Leave it, or I will leave you.”

Stomping off, I head down the path. I know that he is right, but you can’t tell that to the irrational side of me. I understand that it could have happened regardless of the game, but I also can’t help but think that if I wasn’t at the game, then they wouldn’t have been out there.

My parents never missed a game, and I knew that night when I looked in the stands to see they weren’t there, something was wrong. But the coach kept my head in the game by keeping me on the field as much as possible. It wasn’t until we had won the game and I still didn’t see my parents that the coach finally told me what had happened.

I never played another game of football after that and I haven’t talked about the incident with anyone. Instead, I’ve bottled it up and buried it. Between drinking and women, I made sure I didn’t have a whole lot of time to think about much of anything. Except, there was one thought that kept making it through the haze.

The look of utter heartbreak on Aspen’s face every time she would find me with another woman. Flashes of each time would make it through the haze until I would drown it with more alcohol. It wasn’t my parents that haunted me, it was her face each night.

How can fate be so cruel as to give me a mate who I had already hurt once, right after losing the only two people in the world who ever loved me for me?

People always think that being the popular guy, the football star, is some glamorous life until you realize that nobody is around you because they want you. No, they are around you for what it can do for them. The popularity it offers them. The access they have because they are friends with “that guy.” You quickly learn that none of those “friendships” mean anything and that nobody gives a shit about you.

So, yeah, when I lost my parents, I decided to dive into the playboy role that everyone expected of me. I pushed away my mate, and I kept it all bottled up. It wasn’t until Silas stood up for the pack and Nova came crashing into his life that I realized maybe I didn’t want to be alone anymore.

Maybe I need someone to weather the storms with me. Someone who sees me as I see them.

There is a tug on my shoulder that snaps me out of the spiral I’m in.

“Hey, I’m sorry for bringing them up again. I know that you don’t like to talk about feelings and all that. I just worry about you.” Silas’s face is marred with concern.

“It’s fine. I should talk about it, but there isn’t a point to dredging all of this up.” I shrug his hand off my shoulder.

“Eventually, you need to talk about it. Maybe you should talk to someone else? If you aren’t willing to talk to me. But if you don’t deal with these emotions, they will show up anyway. Like with women coming and going instead of settling down with your mate?”

“About that…” I start, but hesitate. I haven’t talked to anyone about my feelings toward Aspen and how I’m trying to earn her back. Of course, some people already know, like Gail, since sheseems to know everything. But am I ready to actually talk about it with someone?

He gives me a questioning look. I heave out a heavy breath as my shoulders drop. I’m going to do this.

“I’ve actually not been sleeping around or had any women in my bed since around the time that you claimed Nova.”

His mouth hangs ajar as he stares at me, unblinking. “I…” His mouth opens and closes like a fish out of water. “You mean…? All this time you have been single and doing… what exactly?”

“It means that I’ve been trying to earn my place beside my mate. You have been super busy, so I’ll forgive you for not noticing that I’ve been at the bookstore every single day. Well, not recently, because shit hit the fan again. It wasn’t my fault this time. Well, it is because of my past, but…” I’m rambling on and I can’t seem to stop the words from flowing out of me.

“Look, I know I’ve done a lot of shitty things to Aspen in the past. I get it. I deserve for her to not trust me. I thought I had finally won my chance with her, but fate, or whatever, stepped in again. Now, I’m out here doing something massive in hopes that it will show her that I want her for her. I want to be the man she deserves, like the men she reads about in her books.”

I pace back and forth in front of Silas as he silently watches. My hands are fisting and rubbing together as the words are rushing out of me.

“A couple months ago, I got this wild idea that I just had to tell Aspen I wanted her. You know, like ‘because you are my mate, let’s just accept it now.’ It was shitty of me because I didn’t even bother to consider her thoughts or feelings in it. I just wanted her, but in reality, it wasn’t her I wanted–just the ‘mate’ aspect.She immediately rejected it and Chase kicked me out of the store.”