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The way he says family, I know he doesn’t just mean him and his dad. He means the gang itself. That’s all he has. All he knows.
“I didn’t make the bed this morning because I got up early to run with you. Then I watched you train for hours.” He presses his body into mine. “Then I get your smart mouth the moment I get alone time with you.”
I suck in a breath. Johnny’s as hard as a rock. My workout clothes are skintight, and his joggers leave nothing to the imagination as he presses into me. My body responds to him, licking flames through my core, my muscles tightening. At the same time, my head just doesn’t know what to think.
I grip his hips to stop him from pressing into me.
“I want you.” His words come out on an exhale.
I take a deep breath, my chest pressing into his. “I can’t, Johnny.”
He closes his eyes and swallows. “My dad won’t find out.”
“It’s not that,” I say. Johnny needs some hard truths. It’s better for me if I give them to him because I need to understand who he is. Is he the rough and tough gang guy? Or is he something more? Is there any hope for him at all? “I don’t know you,” I say, pushing his hips away from me.
His eyes open. His first instinct is to lash out, but I watch as he reins it back in.
I sit up, forcing him to move even further back. “You give out conflicting images of yourself. One minute you say pretty words to me, and the next, you’re fucking a dress store worker in a back fitting room. I mean, fuck, Johnny. Does that sound fair to you? I don’t know which guy you are.”
His response is automatic. “I’m both. I won’t make any apologies for who I am.”
I slide off the bed, getting to my feet. “I don’t want you to.”
“But you’re still pissed about the girl at the shop?”
“Pissed is an understatement. Ever felt betrayal? White hot rage and embarrassment? That’s what it felt like.”
“I can’t have you yet,” Johnny seethes, like it’s his reason for everything.
“Then have you ever heard of self-restraint. Fuck, am I allowed to go out and fuck someone?”
“No,” Johnny growls. He gets in my face again. “No.”
My heart thumps, remembering that perfect moment with Brawler. Here I am being altruistic when I’ve done the same thing Johnny has. The only difference is, I’m not allowed to get upset if Johnny puts his dick inside someone else. But if I have sex, my partner and I will both end up dead.
I close my eyes.What am I doing? There’s no use trying to make him see reason. This is all he knows.
Maybe he isn’t salvageable. And even if he was, he won’t be when he finds out I killed his father.
28
This is my biggest fight yet. Not only does it have the most at stake, but it’s my biggest challenge.
I sit next to Johnny in the car on the way to the abandoned mall where the fight is being held. He’s holding my hand, but ever since the evening in his apartment, things have been strained between us. Honestly, I don’t think he knows what to do with me. Or maybe he’s just pissed I turned him down or the fact that Magnum showed up five minutes into the movie we put in and told him he had to come to the meeting after all.
Whatever his reasons for the sour look on his face, I can’t worry about it. I need to worry about what’s in front of me, and the only thing currently in my way, is taking Evan out. Once I take Evan out, I’m in Big Daddy K’s good graces. I’ll have the access I need.
Brawler and Oscar are in another car God knows where. Or maybe they’re even here already, prepping the space. I attended a meeting yesterday with more members of the Crew than I’ve seen in one place before. They all looked at me skeptically, but no one outright said anything. Big Daddy K had already made his choice, but he ordered everyone to be on hand during the fight in case they needed anything. In case this went sour. I don’t know if he’s making contingency plans if I win the fight. Or if I lose.
If I win, maybe I can even save some bloodshed.
The car pulls into the parking lot. It’s dark out, so I can’t see much through the tinted glass other than a few streetlights in the distance.
“Give us a minute?” Johnny asks Magnum.
Magnum gets out of the car, leaving us alone. Johnny sighs. He turns toward me, so I turn to him, watching him grapple with his emotions.
“I didn’t express myself well the other day,” he says. “I was angry because you’re in this fight at all. That’s why I didn’t want to talk about it. That’s why I didn’t want to hear anyone else’s opinion on whether you were going to win or not. I don’t want you to even be fucking fighting, Kyla. I’m so fucking pissed at my father for getting you in this mess.” His hands ball to fists, and he looks straight into my eyes. “I’ve never expressed that before. Never. My dad makes an order. I follow through. That’s how this works. I’ve never once questioned anything he did, but I did this time. And it’s because of you.”