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But why doesn’t it feel that way right now?
“You got yourself into this mess,” Brawler growls. It’s like he already knows what I’m thinking. I don’t even have to say it.
“Did I even have a choice? Fuck that. He just told me heclaimedme. Could I have refused? Could I?”
I sound like a fucking crazy person. Maybe I am losing my mind.
“No,” Brawler says, his voice a low growl. “But if you were smart, you would’ve just taken the fall for that fight. You could’ve just kept on going in the background if that were the case. You didn’t have to knock Cherry out. You didn’t have to show everyone what you were made of. That’s on you.”
I had to do all that though. Brawler will never know, but I had to kick Cherry’s ass. It was the only way to endear myself to the Crew. In doing so, I just caught Johnny’s eye in a way I didn’t think I would.
Fuck me.
“You done?” Brawler asks.
I blink and finally see him. His face is flushed. He’s holding my wrists with a vice-like grip, which he immediately lets go when he sees me staring.
I take a step back. “I’m sorry.”
He takes a step back too. Shit happens when we’re next to one another. A pull. I fall back onto the armchair and let the cushions surround me.
“What the fuck happened?” he asks. Other questions simmer in his eyes too. What happened that would make me lash out like that? Why beat on him? Why not take my anger out on the person who deserves it?
Then again, Brawler knows how trapped I am. Whether he knows the reason for it or not.
I’m in, and I’m not getting out.
I eye him up and down. Brawler’s been the kindest to me so far, but can I trust him? He’s the only one who’s not in the Heights Crew, but he’s in their pocket. Is there that much of a difference?
“Listen,” Brawler says. “We’re in a world where you can’t trust people for shit, so you probably won’t trust a goddamned word that’s about to come out of my mouth, but you can trust me. I won’t run to Rocket, and I sure as fuck won’t run to Big Daddy K.”
I close my eyes. My head and my heart telling me Brawler is telling the truth, but if I fuck this up, I won’t ever get another chance like this. If they find out why I’m really here, I’ll be dead. It’s as simple as that.
“Johnny thinks he owns me,” I say.
“Did he hurt you?” Brawler growls, his muscles tensing.
I shake my head. Again, people need to understand that physical hurt is not the only way people can suffer. But it’s what we always ask. When we say, “Are you hurt?” We’re never talking about mental suffering. Never.
I’m about to tell him I caught Johnny fucking someone else, but I know how naïve that sounds. Brawler’s just going to stare at me like I should’ve known that would happen. The truth is, I should have. Their sense of right and wrong is not my sense of right and wrong. Johnny pledging an attraction for me doesn’t mean shit. Obviously.
“I need to take a shower,” I say, realizing the places where Johnny touched me are like pock marks on my otherwise smooth skin. It’s not an imprint I want on my body for any longer than it has to be.
“You can trust me,” Brawler says, trying again.
I don’t bother answering. I can’t trust anyone but myself. And shit, I can’t even trust myself. I got caught up in Johnny’s world for a second. In his sweet words and actions that had another meaning all together.
I stand from the armchair and move toward the bathroom. The second overdose of adrenaline is leaving, and I’m about to crash. A nap is in order after this, I think.
“What the…?” Brawler follows me, his angry steps stomping behind me. “He did fucking hurt you!”
Brawler’s hand clamps around my shoulder. I look over my shoulder, my gaze catching on a bloody spot I left on the tan recliner.
I sigh. “There was an…altercation,” I say, for lack of a better term. I don’t really know what all that was. Johnny being a dick? But also, Johnny doesn’t know any other way to be.
“Why did you tell me he didn’t hurt you?”
I turn, knocking his hand off me. “You know in a fight when there’s so much hype and energy around you. Sometimes you can get hit straight in the face and not even feel it because you’re so focused? I didn’t realize.”