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Johnny stiffens next to me, but I play along. I wave my fingers at him like a southern belle. “See you next week,” I say.
As we’re walking out to the car, I’m already in fight mode. My mind races with ideas of attack, the coming hours of training I’m going to have to fit in.
If I lose this fight, I’m done. I’m not dumb enough to think that if I lose, Big Daddy K will forget all this. It isn’t as if he’ll just punch me playfully in the arm and say, “Aw shucks. That’s too bad.”
If I lose this for him, not only do I lose his trust, but I’m dead.
26
Johnny and Magnum drop me off at my apartment building at the orders of Big Daddy K. It was decided Magnum will be my Evan stand in since they have similar builds. I don’t doubt they have similar skill sets, too. He’ll be a tough sparring partner; one I’ll need to get me in shape for this.
Johnny walks me up the stairs, his hand in mine. It’s odd seeing him here in this shithole of an apartment now that I’ve seen him in places of luxury. Now that I look at him, he does look a little out of place here, like he doesn’t quite fit.
He’s been tense on the car ride home, even while coming up with a plan. It isn’t until we’re outside my door, away from prying ears, that I have the courage to ask him what’s wrong. I’m supposed to be his girl, right? That’s a question girls can ask, and I have a feeling no one ever asks Johnny how he feels.
The tension leaves him, his shoulders falling. “It should be me fighting, not you.”
My first reaction is to laugh. There’s no way Big Daddy K would put up his own son. That’s just asinine. Johnny’s stoic though. He truly means what he’s saying. The thought pulls me up short. “That’s admirable,” I say. I shake my head because that couldn’t sound even less romantic than if I tried, so I try again. “We all have our roles to play in this,” I tell him, leaning down to catch his eye. “This time, it’s me who’s fighting.”
His jaw locks, and a fury crosses his face I haven’t seen before. “If he hurts you, I’ll kill him.”
The conflicting thoughts in my head all jumble together. Instead of expressing any of that, I say, “You know you can’t do that. A fight’s a fight. Whoever wins, wins fair and square.” The look Johnny shares with me next tells me he’s also figured out that if I don’t win, I won’t be around either. For whatever else he is, it does seem like he has at least some feelings for me. He may not understand them all, and he certainly doesn’t express them in the right way, but they’re there. “Tell you what,” I say to him. “When I win, I’ll let you nurse me back to health.”
Johnny’s lips twist. Hunger flashes in his eyes. “I like the sound of that.”
I’m not stupid enough to think that if I were to lose, Johnny wouldn’t just find another girl the next day, claim her, and be having this same conversation with her somewhere down the line.
It makes my heart ache for him. Being caught up in all of this, he doesn’t know what true feelings are. He doesn’t know the pure bliss of having someone care about you, or the heartache when it gets taken away. I guess that’s one thing that can be said for losing someone. At least you know how much it meant when you still had it. At least it tells you you loved someone with so much energy that it makes you die inside when they go. I have a feeling Johnny will never feel that.
This time, I initiate a kiss. His poor, confused soul. I press my lips into him like I’m trying to resuscitate him. I’m trying to infuse his soul. I’m trying to make him feel, not just at the surface, but bone deep. To the depths of his core. In every cell. I don’t know why I just haven’t given up on him yet. The pretty words he’s said are just regurgitation from thinking that’s what he’s supposed to say.
I want to light a fire in him. I want to help him like I want to help Oscar and Brawler. Maybe I see something in him, something that tells me even though he has evil DNA running through his veins, that this isn’t the life for him. He shouldn’t be going to meetings with talk of territories and fighting and murder and death. He should be going to college for crying out loud. It’s obvious he’s smart. You have to be to survive in this business, but his energy is going in the wrong direction.
That’s what I try to say with the press of my lips to his and the sweep of my tongue. He kisses me back with the same passion, but it’s short lived.
He backs away. “I have to go.”
He has to go scheme with his father. He hasn’t heard me at all.
“Yeah,” I say.
“Hey.” He cups my cheek. “Don’t be sad.”
I shake my head. “Just a long day.”
He kisses my forehead, his lips a soft press against skin but nothing more. At least not yet. “Get some rest. Tomorrow you’ll start training.”
He’s right about one thing. I don’t know one guy who would let his girl fight his battles for him if there was anything he could do about it. His words make me think he’s halfway to caring, but on the other hand, I don’t know if he’ll ever get there. If he’ll ever see he can have a better life.
He squeezes my hand. “Brawler should be inside.”
I press my lips together.Fucking wonderful. This day is about to get worse.
Just when I think he’s going to leave, he stays while I open the door, sending a warmth through me. Brawler stands from the recliner, his gaze staring holes straight through me. Johnny presses a hand at my back, ushering me in when the last thing I want to do is confront Brawler. “Bye, babe.”
I don’t answer. I’m too caught up in Brawler’s stare. As soon as Johnny’s footsteps fade away, I shut the door behind me. Everything I want Johnny to feel is seeping out of Brawler. From his every pore, from his eyes, from his chest heaving, he’s telling me he cares. “You aren’t fighting Evan.”
“I don’t have a choice.”