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“What? You used to love yellow.”

I can’t even deal.

Turning to head out into the mall, I tell her, “Yeah, when I was eight.”

The next store we visit has their fall clothes out, offering me a big selection of long-sleeved tops that I start pulling off the racks.

I already have several items in my arms when my mother holds up a green sweater and smiles. “What about this?”

“It’s an earthtone.”

“I know, I know, but it’s so pretty, don’t you think?”

She gives me a smile and lifts her brows as she waits for my opinion, which actually surprises me.

Because she’s right; it’s really pretty.

“I like it.”

“So,” she says, stretching out the word, “is that a yes?”

When I nod in approval, her face lights up, but she holds in her excitement for my sake when she simply smiles before turning back to the racks. My eyes stay on her as she continues to shop and a sense of love washes over me, but it’s quickly eclipsed with guilt for how I treat her. I know she wants a good relationship with me, and I see her trying all of the time. If only it were enough to make me feel the love she’s trying to give me, but it mostly irritates me. I wish I knew exactly what I needed so that I could simply tell her, instead, all I do is blame her.

“Ohh! Look at this!” she says excitedly when she shows me a yellow top. “Can we add it to your yes pile?”

It’s hideous and totally not me, but in this moment, I don’t have the heart to let her down.

“Sure.”

After I find a few pairs of jeans and a new coat, the cashier bags everything up while my mother pays.

“Are you hungry? I think we’ve earned some lunch,” she says as she eyes our shopping bags.

“Yeah, sure.”

The food court is packed, and while we stand in line to get a couple of slices of pizza, I hear a familiar laugh. I don’t want to look, but I do anyway as I peer over to my left. Sure enough, it’s Brent and half the lacrosse team. Quickly, I scan to see if Sebastian is with them, and before I turn away, I see him standing on the other side of the group.

Tension strangles me, and when they burst out in a ruckus of laughter, the urge to dip out of this line and escape is astounding. As the line creeps along slowly, I keep my head down while my mother rambles on about wanting to try their veggie pizza and how she’s going to start eating better.

I nod along with randomuh-huhsto keep her appeased.

After we finally make it up to the counter, get our food, and pay, we go in search of a place to sit. When my mom starts walking toward the kids from my school, I tell her, “I think I saw an empty table back over there,” nodding behind us.

“There’s one this way, dear.”

She keeps moving ahead, and I try my best to dodge behind a lady who’s pushing a stroller, but it’s a failed attempt.

Eyes fall on me as their snickering grows, and soon enough, Brent calls out, “What the fuck is Cricket doing here?”

My mom is too far ahead to hear them, and I panic as I try to move through the swarm of people going in every which direction while someone in the group laughs. “She’s such a loser.”

But it isn’t until I hear, “Yo, where’s your baby?” that I look over at them, but my eyes only catch Sebastian’s. He hangs on to me for only a second before he turns to Justin with a harsh, “Shut the fuck up, man.”

Justin slings another insult, but I don’t stick around to hear what he says as I rush over and find my mom.

“Can we go?” I try to keep my voice calm, but it comes out too quickly.

“What?”