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Fuck that.
“No. No way.” I shake my head. “You can’t be serious. You’re not going to New York or Miami for weeks to months? What about the baby?”
Her brows furrow, and her caramel eyes plead for my understanding. “We’ll make it work.”
“With our schedule? When the fuck will I see you?”
I want to be with her. Every day. Every night. Why can’t she understand that?
She reaches out to me but hesitates and lays her hand on the seat between us. “We can fly to meet each other.”
Her trepidation only irritates me further.
My knee bounces, and I clench my jaw. “For how long? I just got you back.”
Three days. I’ve had three whole days with her.
“I don’t know, but I need this, Jax. I need something of my own.”
The walls are closing in. My body is vibrating. It’s as if I have a scream stuck inside me, and if I don’t let it out, I’ll explode.
So, I do. I scream at her. And I hate myself for it.
“You have us! Why is that not enough for you?” My voice is harsh and reverberates through the confined space.
Ethan meets my anger head-on, a threat in his glare. “Were you listening at all?”
But I’m too far gone to deal with his shit. “You can fuck off!”
Aurora flinches at my sharp tone, and Ethan puts his arm around her. Ricky hits the brakes, and I realize I’m making everyone nervous. Instead of it being a warning, I feel cornered.
Ethan’s expression hardens, eyes dark, jaw tense. “You better calm the fuck down and lower your tone, or I’ll beat the boy straight out of you. You’re only digging yourself into a hole.”
I know he’s right. Rage will get me nowhere.
My elbows hit my knees. Head in my hands, I grind the heels of my palms into my eyes until I see stars.
After a few deep breaths, I lean back and, with as much patience as I can muster, ask her, “Please come here?”
Without hesitation, she climbs into my lap, resting her cheek on my shoulder. We’re worlds apart, and I know what I need to do. It doesn’t matter that Ethan is next to us. Some of what I’m about to confess, I’ve told him during ourtherapysessions.
With my voice low and arms wrapped around her, I say the words I’ve run through my mind hundreds of times.
“I’ve thought a lot about us and still can’t place where my regret begins. Maybe as early as the day we met, and I brought you into my fucked-up world thinking I could lead a double life. Either way, there’s nothing I regret more than hurting you.” Tears blur my vision, and I blink them away. “I never recovered from the night Emily took you to Kyle’s party, intending to show you who I truly was. That’s no excuse, though. I ended up harming you, and I’ll never forgive myself.”
Bile rises in my throat. Emily’s plan sure as fuck worked, but the ricochet was severe.
“I should’ve stopped then, but the shame was unbearable. I made promises I couldn’t keep and only worked harder to hide my addiction. I was in denial and barely functioning, and you never abandoned me.” Agony splinters through me. “I was killing you, Aurora. When I left and told you to stay, I meant it. You deserved it. I was the problem.” My head spins, and I breathe through it. “I never intended to return. I got your messages and calls. I watched on the door cam as Emily helped you move out. I didn’t spend that time with anyone. I spent it alone in Kyle’s pool house, where I knew no one would search for me.” I swallow the painful lump in my throat. “Trying hard not to wake up.”
Her heart pounds against mine. She tries to lift her head, but I embrace her tighter.
“Let me finish. Okay?”
She weaves her fingers through my hair, always comforting me.
“I emailed my lawyer to give you everything. He must have contacted Kyle, because the next thing I remember is fighting him, LAPD, and EMS, and then waking in UCLA Medical. By the time my seventy-two-hour hold was lifted, you had blocked me, and I knew I needed to leave you alone.”
She trembles in my arms, and her body racks with quiet sobs—my sweet girl.