Page 19 of The Wedding Menu

Ian:

Especially if he brings the wrong type of ring.

Not Exactly Mayfield

— TODAY—

“Wait… what?” Barb’s mouth hangs open for a while as the train moves along the rails. We’re halfway to our destination, and, after talking about her pregnancy, the conference, and the TV shows we’ve binged recently, she inevitably asked for the thousandth time what happened with Frank. And though I’d kept it a secret till that point, I finally came clean. “He asked you for an open relationship?Is that—” She shakes her head, shock widening her eyes as she leans forward. “Ames, why didn’t you say anything? Why did you accept?”

My lips twist with a sad smile as I shift in the faux-leather seat, the back of my thighs sticking to it uncomfortably. Barb is the second person to know about this besides Frank and me, and I’m quickly reminded of the reason why I’ve kept it a secret until now.

Because it’s fucking humiliating.

My mind sinks back to the darkness it was soaked in at the time, my conscious brain trying to put into words the way I felt. Every time I think about it, it’s like being back there, crushed by that same sense of hopelessness and inevitability. “I know it sounds crazy, but—”

“I’m not judging you,” she rushes to say, and with a bitter chuckle I look out the window.

“Trust me, Barb. I judge myself harshly enough for the both of us.”

“You shouldn’t. I mean—”

“I let that man walk all over me,” I say in a firm voice. “I let him dump his emotional garbage on me, use it to manipulate me into doing what he wanted until I was in such a fucked-up, exhausting situation, I couldn’t find a way out.” Swallowing, I focus back on her. “Trust me, I deserve to be judged, but I won’t make the same mistake ever again.”

Her hand rubs over her bump. “Ihavenoticed a change in you lately. You’ve been a little…”

“Bitchy?” I offer.

“No, not bitchy. Just… you won’t take any shit. I like it.”

She’s right. I won’t. I think I took all the shit one can take, and I’m overloaded. “I’m done living my life to please others is all. Because do you know what I was left with at the end?” I shake my head. “Nothing. I spent years running after my dad’s approval and never got it. I withstood months of Frank’s bullshit, and we broke up anyway. And though I let Martha have basically everything she wanted, we’re hardly friends anymore.”

Barb nods solemnly.

“I can’t live my life for anyone else, because in the end I am all I have.”

Her hand squeezes mine in a silentYou have me too.And I know I do, just as she knows that’s not what I’m talking about.

Turning to the blurred scenery outside, I inhale. “I said yes because I was afraid. I didn’t know how to let Frank go. And with everything else that happened… The prospect of losing my best friend, my fiancé, and my dad all at once was the most terrifying thing I’d ever been through, so I just…”

“Chose them over yourself,” Barb whispers.

I nod, hugging my arms around myself. Unfortunately, they don’t feel like the shield I need right now. “At some point I realized it was all too far gone—that while I was desperately trying to keep one part together, the other one was crumbling. I pretended not to see it. I tried to make it work, to make myself smaller and smaller so that everything else could fit.”

Barb sighs loudly, something close to anger in her expression.

“But someone wouldn’t let me.”

She tilts her head up, an eager smile ghosting her lips. “Ian?”

Watching her wishful eyes, I nod and look away, and she must know the conversation is over, because she settles against the headrest and turns to the window.

Ian.

Every time I tried to ignore my instincts, he shoved the truth down my throat. Every time I tried to pretend nothing was going on, he forced me to face the music. And somehow he did all of this while making me laugh and smile and feel not completely alone in the world. In some magical, inexplicable way he made the darkest time in my life the one I can’t regret.

My friendship with Martha, my job, my relationship—he demolished and dismantled it all.

He destroyed my life. And by doing that, he savedme.