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This was bad but I would fight for Shane. I would prove to him and myself that I was capable of being the person he could count on. I couldn’t leave if I didn’t believe that we had a chance at something real.
Every day felt longer than the day before. I missed Shane. I missed his big words that half the time I had to low-key look up on my phone. I missed his damn spreadsheets. I missed the smell of him. His body. His smile. Everything.
But he wasn’t returning my calls. Or texts. Or fucking emails. Nothing. Not even an “I don’t want to see you again.” He’d ghosted me. I’d been to his apartment, but he hadn’t answered the door.
I knew he was there. It destroyed me that he thought he was a substitute for Paxton when Shane owned me. He understood me and completed me like no one else ever had or would.
Shane was my endgame.
Cue the guilt. The only shred of hope in my miserable life was that Shane hadn’t blocked me.
“Are you really going to volunteer at that place tonight?” Alec dropped into the chair across from my desk.
All the energy I wanted to invest in Shane’s well-being had to go somewhere, and I found an outlet with the help of a skinny, recovering drug addict with horrible homemade tattoos. He’d come into the shop with his mentor, asking me to donate to The Q Solutions, a local organization that focused on mental health for at-risk kids with a heavy emphasis on the LGBTQ community. Tonight would be my first night at the center. I needed something to keep me from falling into my old bad habits.
“You know I loved Pax, right?” I asked.
Alec drew in a sharp breath and rolled his shoulders. His blue eyes assessed me forever. “You know Lisa loves you, right?”
I nodded, figuring he would connect the dots for me.
“Do you think it’s wrong that she loves you?” he asked, and my eyebrows lifted. “She loves you like a son, but her son died. Is it wrong?”
My jaw tightened, and I said, “That’s not the same thing.”
“None of it is the same thing. Anyone who has met you, knows you loved Pax. He’s not coming back. You can’t hurt Pax by being with Shane. You don’t need to feel guilty.” Alec leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees.
I opened my mouth but couldn’t explain that my guilt wasn’t because I’d fallen for Shane. The guilt was from craving Shane like a goddamn dragon. I want to hoard Shane and covet him with all my greedy demands. Alec wouldn’t understand my overprotective obsession with Shane. Or that I had the best thing that ever happened to me in the literal palms of my hands and ran away.
“Lisa likes him,” I said. “She told me to stop fighting what I want and to start living by Pax’s motto of no regrets.”
Her blessing made it easier, but I wondered how she would feel if Shane became a permanent part of my life.
“Lisa is good people. Live your life and stop looking back. You can’t live with regret. Pax wouldn’t want you to live stuck in the past.” Alec smirked. “If you dump Shane, I’ll pick up your leftovers.” He waggled his eyebrows, trying to get a rise out of me, but I didn’t react.
“I fucked up, Alec. I don’t know how to fix it.” My chin hit my chest. “I wrecked him.” I was afraid of the truth and unable to look him in the eye.
Alec dragged his chair closer to the desk to rest his forearms on it. “Shane has been into you since you two eye-fucked when he came in for his tattoo. Shane’s different from most men. He wears his heart on his sleeve like a knight who forgot to put on his armor. I don’t claim to know much, but he definitely has anxiety. You help him with that. I don’t think it’s as complicated as you’re making it.” Alec leaned back and crossed an ankle on his knee. “The man practically begged you not to leave him when he sang that Sam Smith song. Whatever you did, make sure he knows you’re not leaving.”
“Motherfucker.” I slammed my fist on the table. At karaoke, Shane had sung “Stay With Me” right to me. I’d been so caught up in his voice, I hadn’t listened to the lyrics. He sang to me, his voice breaking with emotion. He wanted me to stay. And I’d left.
Chapter thirty
Shane
ThethingIneededmost was the last thing I wanted to do tonight. I was exhausted and hadn’t slept well in days. Which was exactly why I had to talk to my therapist in five minutes. Rushing up the stairs, I cursed myself for not leaving work earlier.
When I exited the stairwell, Cole was sitting in front of my door. I’d successfully avoided any contact this past week but maybe that had been a mistake. Here he was in the flesh, at one of my very weakest moments.
All I wanted was his body next to mine, to inhale his scent, and drown in everything Cole. But it’d be a temporary fix, and the fallout had too high a price.
He hadn’t seen me yet. “Go home, Cole.”
He stood and he looked as tortured as I felt, which made it worse.
“I can’t leave things like this.” He crowded behind me as I opened the door, the warmth of his body soothing.
“Apparently, you can because you did. I have an appointment in,” I checked my phone, “three minutes, so you need to go.”