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Cole didn’t answer and eased off the bed. I didn’t pay attention to the rustling, and I assumed he went into the kitchen until I heard my main door shut. He’d left my apartment without a word.
My brain turned the static up to a deafening level. Everything was white noise. Cole was gone, probably forever. The loss was far worse than I’d expected. I didn’t know what triggered him, but I refused to allow his past to damage my future.
Cole Branson had left me for the last time. I was done.
Chapter twenty-nine
Cole
I’drunthreeblocksbefore I came back to myself.
What the actual fuck was I doing!?
I finally had the guts to tell Shane I wanted him as my boyfriend in a real way, and I ran out after sex. After epic sex. He was so responsive, a goddamn dream. So perfect. So undamaged.
Selfishly, I’d taken the perfect man’s first. And then he said he felt empty without me.
I didn’t know how to live up to that.
It wasn’t at all what I’d dreamed of for our first time. I wanted to watch Shane’s face as I pushed into him. I wanted him to be able to see how much I ached for him. How good he made me feel and know I did the same for him. I wanted to watch him fall apart knowing my cock caused his bliss.
I wanted to kiss him as I came inside him.
But instead, I’d treated him like a cheap, dirty fuck. I’d used his body for my pleasure and defiled him. I hated myself so much, it made me sick. I was too ashamed to admit my failings and abandoned him.
I’d asked him to be my boyfriend, fucked him, and left him like a coward.
At this rate, I’d never be able to be enough for him. All I wanted to do was curl up and let him take care of me, but I was supposed to care for him, and I didn’t have the ability to do it. My thoughts slammed into me like a freight train.
The feeling of being truly connected to him, but not being able to play my role, sent me into a tailspin. I was running away from one of the best things that had happened to me in my life. I was fucking it up. Again.
I could fix this. I would go back and fix this. He’d be mad. Monumentally pissed off. But Shane was so patient and understanding that we’d get past it. I’d make sure we were okay again. I wouldn’t let my fucked up head end us.
My feet had already started back toward Shane. I let myself into his apartment and heard the shower running.
I took a few deep breaths to gather my thoughts to explain myself. Fucking hell, I was an asshole. No one but Shane could put up with me. It was like all our quirks balanced each other out. He helped me feel in control of my life again, and I helped him let go of control. I needed him in my life. I needed him to help me understand what the hell just happened to me.
It had been less than ten minutes since I’d left. I couldn’t let those ten minutes define us.
He stood in the glass shower under the water with his head resting on his forearm against the wall.
“Shane,” I pleaded. He didn’t look up, but I knew he’d heard me.
“If you say you’re fucking sorry, I will be clickbait for the murder headline,Financial Executive Kills Mentor’s Son in Sex Scandal.” Shane didn’t raise his head or his voice. “Get out.”
“Please,” I begged again, and everything I’d wanted to say flew out of my head as I was left standing watching my boyfriend end me.
The silence hung as thick as the steam. I wanted to apologize so badly, but Shane lifted his head, and I didn’t doubt his declaration that he’d murder me. All he needed was a sickle, and he’d be the naked angel of death. I’d done that. I’d hurt him.
“I won’t be your Faux Pax. Get. The. Fuck. Out.”
That had never been the issue—he was so much more than that. But I didn’t know how to tell him, and he wasn’t ready to listen.
He needed time to be mad at me. I’d give him space. We’d figure this out tomorrow. It was late anyway. We’d be fine.
“I’ll call you tomorrow,” I promised.
“No, I’ll call you. And Cole, don’t ever come into my apartment again without permission.” Shane turned his back on me and picked up the soap.