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“I know she’s thinking about it.”
“Well, apparently she told SJ and Isla and they are pumped.”
I didn’t realize she was planning to tell them this soon, but I’m wondering if they asked her outright and she didn’t know what to say. SJ loves Thanksgiving, so if it came up in passing, I can see him asking her about whether she was planning to stay. “Okay, what’s the problem with that? Ohio isn’t exactly close, Margot.”
“Isn’t that kind of strange? I mean, she’s the nanny. I wouldn’t necessarily call her family. Why would she be staying for the holidays?”
I frown because at this moment I barely recognize my own daughter. Margot is considerate and typically very sensitive to other people’s feelings and has never wanted anyone to feel left out. “Margot, what’s gotten into you? This isn’t like you and I don’t like this side I’m seeing.”
“I just think Isla and SJ are getting too attached to her, and what happens when she leaves?” Tears well up in her eyes, and I’m momentarily stunned by how much she looks like her mother. “Isla is so young and…Ellie is not her mom.”
“No one said she was and Ellie is not trying to be her mom. No one can ever take your mom’s place.”
I hadn’t expected this to be about their mother but it makes sense.
“Maybe not for me and SJ, but Isla barely remembers Mom and her memories are going to fade more as she gets older. And…Ellie?” she says, probably shocked to hear me call her by her nickname when I’ve only ever referred to her as Elianna in front of them.
I move to sit on the edge of her bed. “Is this what’s made you so upset lately?”
“I just don’t want them to get hurt.”
“No one wants that, Margot.”
“Can’t you see, if Ellie leaves, once again they lose another woman in their life who was supposed to take care of them? Even if mom were still alive, there’s a reason why children bond so heavily with their nannies. It’s because they see her as a mother figure. Dad, this isn’t rocket science and I feel like you can’t see that because you like her.” I don’t say anything because I don’t know what to say, having not been prepared to have this conversation with anyone tonight. Margot must take my silence for confirmation because she continues much to my irritation. “That’s what I thought…is something going on between the two of you?”
I get off her bed, not wanting to continue this conversation. “Margot, I understand your concerns, but it is not your job to worry about that.”
She scoffs and blinks the tears away and I can see the anger all over her face. “Not my job to worry about what? My siblings? Somebody has to!” she says, raising her voice a little louder than she’d been talking.
Fury spikes in my veins. “First of all, watch your tone, young lady. You think I don’t worry about your siblings? All I do is worry about you three.”
“Answer my question, Dad.” She stands up, crossing her arms over her chest.
“I don’t owe you any explanation. I’myourfather.”
“When it’s convenient, sure!”she argues and I am shocked by this overall reaction and her attitude.
I glare at her, daring her to continue. “You want to run that by me again?”
“Before Ellie started you were rarely ever home before eight, and now you’re reading to Isla before bed and going to SJ’s games all of a sudden? Coming home early? It’s like you’ve adapted all these new behaviors because you’re trying to impress her.” She shakes her head at me. “And the fact that you won’t deny it, tells me all I need to know. This is even worse! Now, you’re what—dating her? And then when things go south, you expect her to just stay here working for you and looking after them? No, they’ll lose her because of you. You can’t honestly be that selfish.”
Hearing her thoughts about me makes me feel like my heart is being ripped from my chest. I’m hurt that she’s hurt and I’m angry that she’s angry. I’m worried that she’s right and that I have been selfish when all I’ve tried to do is be the best father to them. And because I can’t make sense of my thoughts, I say the first thing I can think of. “You’re grounded.”
“For what? Telling you the truth that Uncle River won’t?” she scoffs.
“No,” I snap, “because you are so out of line and I don’t know where you got the idea that you could talk to me like that.”
“Fine. Someone needed to tell you this, and for the record, you guys could both use a lesson in covering your tracks. You guys both mysteriously are out of the house tonight, you both come home dressed like you were just on a date, and she smells like you and you smell like her.” She glares at me before tossing pillows off of her bed. “And to your point, if you don’t ‘owe me an explanation,’ then why lie about it?”
“Because you’re not meant to know everything that’s going on all the time. This isn’t about you, Margot. It’s between me and Elianna.”
“That’s exactly my point, Dad.” She lies down on her bed and turns off the lamp on her nightstand. “I got it, I’m grounded. Can I go to bed now? I have a history test first period.” She turns her television off, turns her back to me and I hear a sniffle seconds later.
“Margot…”
“Just go, Dad, please.”
I don’t know what to say to her. At the end of the day, I had lied to her and I think that’s driving some of her hurt. “Love you the most,” I tell her before I slowly walk out of her room.