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The timing is…not great. Could be worse, though, I tell myself because I can feel a tiny seed of panic trying to take root in my chest, and I would like to stop it from doing so.

“Coming!” I shout back, then hurry out of the bathroom, combing a hand through my hair as I go. I need to put my game face on.

“There she is.” Max smiles at me as I emerge. “You look beautiful.”

I blush, some of my panic settling. Max is on my team. Things are going to be okay.

“Thank you,” I tell him. His compliments haven’t slowed since the retreat, and I am really enjoying that. What can I say? It’s nice to have your husband tell you that you’re sexy.

He takes my hand and presses a soft kiss to my lips. “Let’s go get ourselves a dog,” he whispers as he pulls away. We head to the car, still hand in hand, which earns us a very pronounced eye roll from our two teenagers.

“Oh my gosh, you two are still doing that?” Elle says, gesturing to our hands. “It’s so embarrassing.”

“Yes, I can see where having two parents who love each other would be embarrassing,” Max agrees affably. He grabs my door for me, then circles around to his side of the car. The voice of Adam Young, creator of Owl City, fills the car, singing about fireflies lighting up the sky. Immediately Elle groans.

“Do we have to listen to Dad’s music? Really? It’s so annoying.”

“Wow. I’m embarrassing and annoying? I’m really winning at being a dad, huh?” Max looks over at me, one eyebrow raised, and I laugh.

“I like this song,” Liam comments, then starts singing. Elle groans again, then settles back against her seat. She takes out her phone and her fingers start flying across the keyboard. It’s amazing the rate at which teenagers can text confusing acronyms to each other. IYKYK.

My leg starts bouncing as we drive, nervous energy pulsing through me.

What is Max going to say?

“Are you feeling better?” Max asks me, eyes flicking from the road to my bouncing knee then back again.

“Uh.” My mouth goes dry. I am not feeling particularly better, no. I’m not sure I will for some time. “Ish,” I finally say, because I can’t tell him so unceremoniously here in the car. With the kids in the backseat.

“Sorry.” Max wrinkles his nose in sympathy. “You sure you’re up for getting the puppy today? We can call and ask about picking her up tomorrow.”

I shake my head. “No, no. Today is fine.” Not like I’ll be better tomorrow. Or the next day. Oh gosh. I put a hand to my temple feeling the beginning of a tension headache. I am 40-years-old for goodness’ sake. This is not part of my life plan.

“Jill?” We’re at a light now, and Max turns to face me. “What’s going on? You’re being strange.”

“Strange?” I squeak, my gaze darting to the kids in the back. They’re both wrapped up in their respective screens. Normally this would put me on edge as I wrestled internally with whether or not letting them use devices in the car makes me a horrible mother, but at this moment I’m thankful for it.

“Yeah, strange,” Max repeats. I’m not sure I can put off telling him. The whole thing is too much for me to bear alone. Still, even on their devices the kids might still hear. I’ll have to speak in code. I can do that. Working in PR is basically all about being able to speak in code. Family man=has kids. (add more)

“Well, if I’m acting strange,” I say carefully, “that might be because I found something out this morning.”

“Oh, what’s that?” he asks.

I roll my lips in and out. “Well,” I begin again, “do you remember when we went on that retreat?”

Max chuckles. “Uh, yeah. I remember.”

“Right. Of course you do.” I clear my throat. “Well, as you may recall, we took a calculated risk there.”

“Calculated risk?” Max is confused.

“Yes. Certain things are rather unpredictable for me right now, you know. So choices that may have flown in the past, apparently no longer fly.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Wow. Max is not good at speaking in code. “There was the cabin,” I try again. “And the special…situation Dorothy orchestrated with regards to, uh, the arrangements for sleep.”

“Are you talking about the double bed?” he asks.