Page 99

“You already know, but the answer is yes, I admire Aarti deeply. She is strong, assertive, and savvy. She knows how to run her business.”
“That’s called transference. Classic transference. Tara was also strong and assertive. She was independent and savvy. You can’t have Tara, but you see Aarti, who reminds you of what you had with Tara, and you project your feelings onto her. So, you take your friendship with Aarti and turn it into the feelings you’ve repressed for all these months.”
I roared with laughter and picked up my whisky. The ice was melting, and so was my patience with this conversation.
“If that isn’t classic psychobabble!”
“That’s psychological insight,” she cried with exasperation, “not psychobabble.”
“Then let me put your mind at ease. Number one, I have no repressed feelings. I have allowed myself the time and space to grieve and heal. Number two, I know exactly how I feel about Tara and about Aarti. I am not seeking solace in Aarti’s arms just because our exes sought solace in theirs. And number three, to keep comparing Tara and Aarti is to do a disservice to two unique, phenomenal women, whose existence is neither defined nor circumscribed by the men they choose to associate with.”
She shook her head as if to clear her thoughts. “But you do have deeper feelings for Aarti. You can’t deny that.”
“Now, that is a completely different conversation, and I’m afraid our time is up.”
She grinned at the joke but instantly said, “Hold on, this was exactly the line of conversation I was trying to have.”
“I disagree. You were trying to gauge if I saw Aarti as a substitute for Tara, and we have just established that I don’t. You were trying to figure out if I was thinking straight, if all this was unhealthy for me. We also determined it isn’t. I think that concludes our conversation, does it not?”
“Sujit,” she reproached sternly, but I merely sipped my whisky in response. “This whole idea is too close to your hurt for you to be comfortable with it. I refuse to believe you don’t think of Tara when you’re with Aarti.”
“I don’t.” I met her eye with conviction. “I’ve never thought about Tara when I’m with Aarti. Not in the way you imagine, anyway.”
I looked at her and saw the concern on her face. Cathy was thrilled to meet Tara that evening at the surprise party. She had loved Tara and was glad she was getting a sister-in-law who was as strong-headed and ambitious as her and who could eventually become her friend and confidant. So when it crumbled at the end of that day, she took the utmost umbrage. She was hurt for me and for herself.
She was hurt for my parents, who she thought were left humiliated and deserved better. Mostly, I suspected, she was angry at me for being so gullible that I didn’t know a heartache was imminent in my future. Whatever her reasons, she was profoundly upset. She had wanted to call Tara and express her displeasure, but of course, I wouldn’t allow it.
This wasn’t like a traditional arrangement of marriages where one’s family is humiliated when the girl refuses a match. The problem had been between Tara and me, a fact Cathy refused to accept easily,Not after you introduced her to your family!As if women can’t change their minds after having met their partner’s family.
“All right, then, let’s talk about the optics. This is scandalous for someone in your position. You aren’t just an ordinary man, not anymore. Not since you shot into the echelons of the rich and the famous.”
“You know I detest that word.”Optics, I always hated the way it was used these days. For the engineer in me, optics was a field of study, a very interesting one. I was resentful of what it had been transformed into in the American jargon.
“I know,” she consoled. “But it is the truth. Unsavory, but the truth. The reality of being in the public eye.”
“That’s what Aarti’s brother said to her,” I whispered as I returned my glass to the same spot on the coaster, adjusting to set it parallel to the edges of the table.
“What?” Cathy, now intrigued, sat up with rapt attention.
“That it was embarrassing, it wasn’t right.”
“That’s what I am saying! It isn’t right, at least not for families so vividly in the public eye. And despite your arguments and convictions to the contrary, I think it is also very unhealthy.”
I paused for thought.
“When the newness fades away, when the excitement wears off, you’ll be face-to-face with this reality, Suj. She will always beSameer’s ex to you, and you’ll always be Tara’s to her. The Tara that broke your heart and the Sameer that stomped on hers. The public humiliation that you both dealt with will resurface when you’re done with this initial attraction. And if your relationship becomes public, when this is over, you both will face the same humiliation all over again. You’ll never rid yourselves of their shadow.Never.”
This was also why it irked me that Cathy was smart. She had the knack of showing you the mirror exactly how it was, no matter how dusty or bloody.
“Suj,” Cathy said with a hand on my arm as I got off the chair.
I nodded. “You’re right. Say bye to the girls for me,” I said and left without a word to anyone else.
Imran started the engine when he saw me walk out and was about to rush over to open the car door for me. I waved him to stay put and came around. Slamming the door with some rage, I signaled him to go.
“Are you okay, Boss?”
I didn’t have to look in the rearview mirror to see the concern in his eyes.