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“Yeah well, it’s not exactly fun to tell your brother that a guy at school used to try to stick my head in the toilet, then locked me in the girls’ room and then told the teacher I was…doing stuff in there.”

“Jesus.” Even now a flare of anger hits me.

“I didn’t tell you the details, Eli, because I was scared you’d kill him.”

I snap my eyes to his. “Is that supposed to make me feel better?”

“Yeah, it is. Because I could have told Griffin. He was only in fifth grade, but he was big by then, remember? But he would have talked to Brad, convinced him he wasn’t interested in picking on me, and Brad would have stopped. Griff has that fucking magic. But you…you wouldn’t talk to him. You’d do exactly what I’d have wanted and knocked his teeth out. You wouldn’t care about the consequences. Even then, I knew I didn’t want to get you kicked out of school just to make me feel better. So I just told you he was bugging me, and you didn’t even ask for any details. You just went over to Brad and told him he had to leave me alone or you’d…”

“Knock his teeth out,” I say softly.

“Cass and Chelsea, they always knew to go to you if they needed help. They knew you wouldn’t make them explain themselves, you just wanted us to be safe. You were always like that, Eli, and I thought you walked on fucking air for it.”

I look at Jude as if seeing him for the first time. “I was no hero, Jude.”

“You were to me.”

To my vast and utter surprise and embarrassment, I feel my throat go thick with emotion.

I look back down at the ground between my knees. “I shouldn’t have hit that guy—Reese’s ex. She told me I didn’t think about her feelings, only mine, and she was right.”

“Yeah, she was. But I bet some small part of her really enjoyed seeing you break the guy’s nose. You did break his nose, right?”

“Probably,” I say.

“So, what are you going to do about it?”

I look back over at him. “What do you mean?”

“How are you going to get her to forgive you?”

“I don’t think that’s going to happen.” That pressure at my throat feels as if it’s choking me now. “No matter what I do, I seem to smother the fuckin’ life out of the things I love.”

“Nah.”

“What?”

“That’s not true.”

“It is true. I tried so fucking hard not to lose Kelly and I just ended up pushing her away. And now, I just…I felt so much for Reese—Ifeelso much—” My words catch in my throat, and I feel my eyes burning with the threat of tears.

“Eli, I don’t think it was the way you thought between you and Kelly. I used to know players like her.”

“Tennis players?” I laugh, incredulously.

“Off the court.”

Out in the hall the thud of boots and sound of voices comes from somewhere nearby. The crew are probably heading back this way. We should get up. But I can’t, because I’m too desperate to hear what my little brother has to say. The brother I’ve downplayed as a goofy dude with not a care in the world.

Jude shrugs. “They did this thing where they’d meet someone they cared about, like cared about so much it scared them, but instead of letting it happen, they just acted like dicks. They played it cool so they could be the ones on top. You know? So they wouldn’t risk getting their hearts ripped in half. Kelly was like that. She was always scared of losing you and one day she just got so scared she figured it would be safer to have you gone.”

I’m so stunned, for a minute it’s all I can do just to stare at Jude. “How do you know so much about Kelly?”

Jude shrugs. “She tried to sleep with me.”

“The fuck?!” I jump to my feet.

“Easy!” Jude says, rising too. “It didn’t happen. I mean, it almost happened, but it didn’t.”