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“Zack, stay here with the girls, keep the truck running. I’m going to check it out.”
“Copy that.”
“Dan,” Sue grabbed my hand again, “maybe we should call someone?”
“He’s our friend. I just want to make sure he’s okay. Promise.” I shot her a smile as I moved toward the house. I could see my breath as it puffed in the chilly air.
The snow crunched under my boots, making it hard to hear any signs of life around me.
I did my normal sweep. I checked the perimeter, then looked for any open windows or signs of movement. I even checked for possible signs of a break-in as I cautiously headed for the door. The walkway hadn’t been shoveled, the blinds were drawn, but the door was unlocked when I tested it.
I signaled to Zack I was going in.
“Anderson!” I used his last name first. Nothing. “Ray,” I called and wished I had a weapon, “it’s Daniel. I’m coming in.”
No response.
“Anderson.” I made a bird call, the same one we used in Nam. “It’s Logan. Check in.”
Nothing.
That familiar chill came on. My sixth sense had me in survival mode, and it told me I wasn’t alone.
“Ahhh!” Ray screamed then came in rushing with a long pair of barbecue tongs in his hand and a pot on his head. I dodged his charge but got a swat across the cheek with the tongs as I tried to step back into position. I shook off the sting and took in my surroundings. The place looked like one of our camps back in Nam. There were dirty sheets, and branches and old pieces of wood hung from the walls as if for cover. Empty bean cans and wrappers littered the floor, and my friend looked like he’d lost complete touch with reality.
“Hey! Ray, it’s Logan!”
He whipped the tongs around like a sword and tried to kick my thigh. His face ran with sweat and camouflage grease paint.
“Where are the rest of ’em?” Saliva pooled at the corners of his mouth, and I could tell he was on something. I just didn’t know what. I knew a lot of our soldiers had learned about marijuana over there, and a lot of them used it. It was easy to get. But I also knew none of my guys had ever touched it. We’d all stayed clean the whole time we were there.
We had a purpose then, but the trouble was we were back home now with nothing but messed up heads and an uncertain future. I knew a lot of guys had turned to drugs after they got back. That, along with alcohol and suicide, took a lot of them after they’d made it homesafe. That was a joke on us if there ever was one. We were ignored—shunned, really. We were called baby killers and murderers and left to feel ashamed of our service. No one seemed to remember we hadn’t asked to go; we were told to go. The awful words people used were triggers for us. Some poor guys did whatever it took to take away the pain of it, the shame of it. Anything just to make it go away.
“We’re coming for you!” He dropped the tongs and raced toward me, grabbed me around the waist, and slammed me into the wall. He sent punches into my sides while I just held on. I couldn’t bring myself to hurt him. When he pulled back a fist to drive it into my jaw, I blocked it and turned my body, twisting his arm not enough to break it, but enough so he’d have to submit. He wasn’t exactly in top form; he’d lost weight and strength. When he fell to the ground, I went with him.
“Hey!” I smacked his face and hoped the adrenaline he was riding would finally fizzle out. The drugs in his system had given him a surge, but I knew he couldn’t keep it up for long. “Ray, stop. You’re home, buddy. You’re in your house. It’s me, Dan.” I reached for a bucket of water he probably kept for drinking and dumped the icy liquid over his head. He jolted and yelped and swung blindly. “Come back to me, Ray!” I screamed at him.
“Where-where am I?” He blinked and looked around, and I knew I had him back. Then a horrific sob ripped from his chest as he leaned forward and jammed his head into my chest. I wrapped my arms around my friend and held him to let him know it was all right.
“I can’t do this.” He broke and held his head like it might explode. “It hurts so much.”
“I know.”
“Jimmy,” he cried out for his best friend.
“I know, I know.” I hated how much it hurt to even hear his name. “It’s unfair, all of it, but Zack’s here with me. It’s okay now, Ray. We’re gonna help you. We aren’t going to leave you alone. Come on, Ray, if Zack, Frank, and I can move forward from this, so can you. We’ll help you.”
“I can’t.” I knew how close he and Jimmy had been. I couldn’t help but think how I’d be if anything had happened to Zack.
“You can,” I insisted and waited for him to look at me. “That voice that’s on your shoulder, it taunts all of us every day. It dares us to do unspeakable things, but it’s because we feel like we don’t belong here anymore. But we do.” I leaned my back against the wall next to him. “If you’d returned my calls, you would know why I wanted to talk. We need each other now more than ever.”
“Marijuana’s easier,” he confessed.
“I’m sure it is.” I shrugged, not wanting to scold him for getting to this point on his own, for not reaching out. “But, buddy, you were wearing a pot on your head.” He let out a laugh as he dried his eyes, and I joined in to let the fear drain out of me. “You played your sister well. She wouldn’t let us see you.”
“I know.” He covered his mouth, trying to hide his quivering chin. “When you came last time, I just couldn’t see you. I wasn’t ready. I saw you out the window. You both looked good, but I still hadn’t showered, couldn’t eat. I just can’t keep my head straight. I keep slipping between there and here. I couldn’t face you.”
“We’re far from good, Ray. We both still have trouble, but we keep in touch, help one another. It’s why we came to see you. We didn’t want to you to be alone. Especially not after what happened with Jimmy.”