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“Have you checked in with Zack?”
“Once.”Kick, kick, punch.
“Frank and Ray?”
“Once,” he repeated.
“Why don’t you invite them over? It would do all of you good to spend some time together.”
His punches became more intense, and I knew that feeling all too well.
“I…”
“I?” I leaned down and scooped the annoying chicken out of his way again.
He dropped his arms and breathed heavily. I could almost feel his mind as it spun and knew he was close to spiraling out of control. I sat the chicken on a hay bale and looked up at the night sky through the open loft doors above us. I took in a deep breath, unsure if he’d hear me in the frame of mind he was in but decided to chance it. I knew it couldn’t wait any longer.
“Son, look at me.” Slowly, his gaze swung over, and his chest heaved as his lungs gasped for much needed air. “You need to fight this. That darkness inside needs to be channeled in a different way. You’re a Logan, and we are fighters. It’s in our blood, in our DNA. We’re military men, just like your own son will be someday.” He gave me a tight nod to let me know he’d heard me. “I got a call from Washington. They wanted me to know what you did over there.” I swallowed back a surge of emotion. “You never told me you guys freed prisoners and saved countless lives.”
“We went on a lot of missions,” he grunted, for the first time speaking about it. “Made our own calls, did our best for those we could. God knows what it meant for the ones we never got out.”
I reached up and held on to his shoulder, giving him my strength. I hoped to force the demons away, if only for a moment.
“Those nightmares you’re having…what’s happening in them?”
“I don’t know. I don’t remember.” He brushed me off, but I wasn’t having it. I knew what they could do to a person’s sanity. When he caught my look, he squeezed his eyes shut and grimaced. He knew I could be just as stubborn. “It’s the same thing. I’m over there.” He winced as if talking about it physically hurt. “I’m on my knees, looking for something, and this little boy steps out of the jungle. He’s terrified, and so am I, because I know what it means.” He rubbed his chest with his eyes locked on the floor. “Guys yell at me to kill him, and I can see the kid’s tears as they run down his dirty face, he pees his pants, and bang! A gun goes off, and he falls to the ground.”
“Who shot him?” I had to ask, although I knew deep in my core it wouldn’t have been Daniel.
“I don’t know,” his gaze quickly shifts to mine, “but when I look around, I’m all alone, with him at my feet, and I’m holding my gun.”
“Nightmares can stem from all kinds of things, Daniel, but mostly they stem from things that are unresolved.”
“I never killed that kid.” He shook his head. “I let him go.”
I nodded slowly to show I knew he would never do that. “Your unit brought a lot of men home to their families.” I tried to get him to focus on the positive. “They might never have been seen again. You protected each other, and you made it out in one piece. You helped bring our boys home safe, son. That’s what counts. That’s what you need to hold on to.”
“Did I?” Tears pooled in his eyes, and I saw raw pain appear on his face. “Because we weren’t home even four days when Jimmy shoved a pistol down his throat.”
“Jimmy didn’t have family. He had no help to come home to, and I’m sorry for that, but you have us. Use us.”
“I want to do more, Dad.” He paused as emotion ripped through him. “I need to do more.” He sobbed as he wrapped his arms around my neck, and I held on tight.
“Then we do more.” I felt him crumble as he cried out what he had been hanging on to since he’d stepped back on home soil. I had always made it known that there was no weakness in showing vulnerability, and that letting go, no matter how you did it, was what the brain and the heart needed to survive. Without that outlet, that was when the real danger began.
“I hated that place,” he whispered. “It took something from me, and I’m not sure how to get it back.”
“Time will help you find it.” I pulled him back and held his head in my hands like I used to when he was a young boy. “Have trust in yourself to find your way back. The pain and confusion aren’t only inside you, son. It’s in the others, too. They need you just as much as you need them.”
“It’s hard to know where to start.”
“That’s why you have us.” I smiled and saw his anxiety drop to a simmer. “You always have us.”
The next morning, Meg and I were settled in with our morning coffee and oatmeal, and to my surprise, Daniel walked into the kitchen showered and dressed.
Meg glanced at me, and I used the morning newspaper to hide my grin.
“The wire by the pond needs replacing,” he said with his back to me. He nibbled on some toast and kept his gaze out the window.