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The shame rolls over me like a heatwave. This time I don’t try to escape it. I just want to share this with someone,anyone.It’s been so lonely carrying the painful burden of this betrayalall on my own. “He asked me a day later to send him some sexy selfies. I tried a few with my underwear on, but that wasn’t good enough. He wanted me completely naked. I did it. Within twenty-four hours, hundreds of posters with my nude photos were plastered all over campus, with ‘cow’ written on every single one.”
“Oh, Spencer,” Dawn gasps. “Oh my God, I can’t believe that. Did you go to the dean?”
“I didn’t have to. They saw the pictures too. Campus security pulled all the posters down and sent an email to the student body that anyone caught distributing the lewd images would be suspended or expelled.” It didn’t stop the bullying. I got moo’d out of the dining hall. Someone snuck hay into one of my textbooks with a sticky note that said “afternoon snack.” I wanted to die.
“But what did they dofor you?” Dawn asks. “Did they promise disciplinary action? Did they offer counseling? Was there talk of legal action?”
I think back on the hours I spent in the dean’s office. It was all such a blur. I couldn’t make eye contact with any of the administrators or faculty because I was humiliated. They’d all seen me butt-naked. The most sacred parts of me strung out for the world to see like a carcass in the road.
“I remember one counselor stating they wished my birthday hadn’t gone by yet because if I were underage, they’d have a case for distribution of child pornography. That could’ve put a lot of asshole football players in jail. But the case as it stood… I don’t know. I was in shock, I think? All I know is I wanted to talk to my mom about it. I called her a couple times but chickened out. I was ashamed. She’d raised me better than that.”
“Better than what?” Dawn’s feet are fully out of her foot tub now. She’s resting them on either side of the large, tinted glass bowl. I keep mine submerged. My feet are beyond pruney, andthe nail tech is going to have one hell of a time getting gel polish to adhere to my soaked toenails, but the water is grounding me. I swish my feet back and forth in the water, creating small waves that crest and break at the top of the bowl.
“Mom told me to wait for someone special. Someone who treated me well. I blew it on the scum of the earth.”
Dawn exhales sharply. “Did you know I’m a mom? I have a daughter a little younger than you. Her name is Cora. She’s actually studying abroad in Germany right now.”
“Wow.” Well, I hope she has a better college experience than me.
“It’s every mother’s living nightmare to see her daughter ridiculed and traumatized. But let me tell you something that I know in my bones: Every piece of advice she gave you was because of tough lessons she’d learned herself the hard way. We strive to shield our babies from the pain we experienced, but also, the twisted irony is we’re mighty enough to protect our children because of the hell we’ve already endured. I know Cora will face immense heartbreak in her life. It’s my job not to prevent the inevitable, but to tell her she’s strong even when she feels weak. I’ll stand through the fire with her, but I have to let her live her story.”
My words are caught in my throat. I choose not to speak because I know I’ll become overwhelmed with emotion. In response to my silence, Dawn rises from her lounger and embraces me. She kisses my forehead two, three, then four times. And that’s when I melt. Tears pour down my face as I suck in short heaves of air.
“I never got to tell her,” I say into Dawn’s shoulder. “She died late the next week. I left school and pretended like it didn’t happen. I focused on what Charlie needed. I just wanted to move on.”
“But did you?” Releasing me, Dawn steps back to let me catch my breath.
I crash-dieted for a while after it happened. My body adapted and not even starvation was enough to keep my weight down. I became obsessed with BMI. I wanted to be in thenormalrange.I just wanted to be fucking normal.I wanted to look like Mom and Charlie. I wanted to belong. When I stumbled upon weight-loss medication, the weight came off so easily. I met Jesse, and he was instantly enamored. I’d been through so much pain, I really thought being smaller opened the doors to happiness.
“I guess not,” I finally answer. Hearing the distant voices of Avery, Lennox, and Chelsea getting louder, I clean under my eyes and pat my cheeks, trying to hide the evidence of my breakdown.
“In hearing that story, the only opinion I would trust is your mom’s. Believe the woman who told you you were beautiful every day of your life. She’s right. What those kids did to you waswrong.The school should’ve done more to stand up for you. That boy who took the most vulnerable moment in a woman’s life and made a mockery of it should have a boot clamped around his dick. You have nothing to be ashamed about, Spencer. Do not forget that.”
I sniffle and nod hurriedly as the girls get closer. Avery and Lennox are quickly becoming the best friends and big sisters I never had. Chelsea is my friendly face at the office and constant comic relief. I trust them, but I can’t rehash the story again today. I’m tired and ready to just enjoy Nathan’s spa day present. Now that I’ve shared this with Dawn, who speaks to me just like my mother would, I feel like all the extra weight just fell off my body.
“What was his name?” Dawn asks in a hush, intuitively picking up on the fact I don’t want to continue the conversation once the rest of our party has returned.
“Why?” I ask.
“I just like to name all my voodoo dolls before I torture them. Did he make it to the NFL? If so, I’ll be starting a very defaming anonymous Reddit thread, just so you know.”
I burst out into giggles. “No, I don’t think he played past college. His name is Casey Conrad.”
“Well, fuck you, Casey.”
Yeah, I couldn’t agree more.
Fuck you, Casey.
22
Spencer
It should be illegal to drive after an entire day getting spoiled rotten at a luxury spa. Honestly, I shouldn’t get behind the wheel. I’m so relaxed, I’m borderline high. I got massaged, had my face exfoliated with dead sea minerals, and even ate caviar for the first time—ahem, first and last time.I don’t understand why a small tin of ocean-flavored popping boba balls is worth hundreds of dollars, but maybe I’m not fancy enough to appreciate the elegance.
But it’s not like I’m going to make a habit of this. I promised myself today was a one-and-done situation. This was a treat for Charlie which is why I made an exception, but I’m not going to take advantage of Nathan’s wallet ever again.
I’m waiting in the front lobby for Charlie and Claire. It’s late and the spa is near closing. Everybody else collected their things and made their way to the parking lot. They actually let Lennox leave in her robe, to her great delight. I, however, am stuck waiting on the tweens who don’t want this day to end.