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I fought to absorb his words.

I fought to even make sense of them.

“But where were you?” I asked. “Where did you go?”

Releasing my hand, he rolled to his back.

I saw him wince as he did it.

Or maybe I felt it, in my light.

“Allie,” he said. “Please.”

“Just tell me.”

Clicking softly, he shook his head, but not in a no. I felt resignation on him, but not guilt, not anymore. More, I got a feeling like he thought he was being deflected, that I was purposefully distracting him, avoiding what he’d said to me.

ButwasI? Was I deflecting?

I honestly couldn’t tell.

All I knew was, the longer he lay there, not speaking, the more that pain in my chest grew. It began to spread, seeping lower and deeper, crawling into my belly. Bile rose in my throat, nausea, a pain that was hard to think past.

That pain didn’t feel like separation, either.

“Did you ever have sex with my mother?” I asked. “Kali?”

I hadn’t known I meant to ask it.

I didn’t really want the answer.

Shock expanded off his light. “What? No!Gaos,Alyson.No… absolutely not.”

I shook my head, trying to get the thought out of me. The images wanted to stay there, but I fought to not see them. “Never mind. I just––”

“Alyson.Gaos d’ jurekil’a.Is that what you’ve been thinking? Why?”

I didn’t answer either question.

I fought to think, to control my light.

“Did Yumi hurt you?” I asked. “Did you ask her to?”

For a moment he didn’t move, didn’t look away from my face.

Then he shook his head, clicking as he ran his fingers through his hair.

“No.” Hesitating, he shrugged with a hand, looking at me. “Ullysa. I asked her. Well.” He grunted a little. “I hired her, really. She didn’t want money for it, but I insisted…”

He trailed, as if feeling something off my light.

I felt him looking at me, in the dark.

“Allie.” His voice grew cautious. “She didn’t touch me.”

When I still didn’t speak, he exhaled, his voice bordering on frustrated.

“I was totally closed down,” he said. “I could feelyouclosing down, especially after you went on that walk with Kali. I couldn’t feel you at all after that. It scared me. So I talked to Yumi, and when that didn’t help, I asked Ullysa. She’d done it for me before, back in Seattle, so I knew she could do it. I knew she wouldn’t hold back, not if she knew I needed it.”