Page 65

“That was a good meet, don’t you think?” Kamryn was going to start easy. They needed to slowly work into this conversation because she knew that Elia was going to be uncomfortable having it on the bus. And they weren’t going to be able to find much time afterward since Kamryn was on call that weekend at the dormitories and she was damn sure that Elia was going to use that as an excuse not to come over and have an actual conversation.

“It was good,” Elia agreed, but her heart wasn’t in the conversation. Kamryn could tell that from a mile away.

“Yeah. I think the whisk thing is still going over well.” Kamryn looked over her shoulder as the kids were sharing. It was the only chance they’d had to do it at this meet, and even though the bus wasn’t ideal, the kids were committed to sharing their highs from the day. “Think you’ll keep it up when I’m gone?”

Elia frowned before pursing her lips and looking out the window at the dark sky and the snow that was falling around them. In just about any other circumstance, it would have been stunningly beautiful. And Kamryn still wanted that walk in the snow that she’d never gotten with Elia.

Taking a chance, Kamryn slid her hand over and rested it lightly on Elia’s forearm. She was met with an intensity that she hadn’t expected. Elia glanced down at the touch and then straight up into Kamryn’s eyes.

“Please don’t.”

“Sure.” Kamryn moved her hand away immediately, an awkwardness settling into her chest that she hadn’t felt since that night in the hotel room when she’d asked Elia for a kiss and been rejected. It had everything to do with her and not Elia, she knew that, but she wasn’t quite sure where to go from here. “I’m sorry I didn’t ask first.”

“You’re forgiven,” Elia commented before going back to looking out the window.

“Do you mind talking to me?”

Elia shook her head. “Not at all. I think Bristol needs to work on her informational, don’t you? She needs to dig deeper in order to round out her argument even more.”

Kamryn frowned. That hadn’t been what she meant. She didn’t want to talk about the Speech meet. She wanted to talk about them. “Yeah, it’s probably not a bad idea for her to do that.”

They sat in silence again. Kamryn picked up on laughter behind her, but it all sounded innocent enough that she didn’t feel she needed to turn around and observe. She followed Elia’s gaze back out the bus window and cringed. What were they doing here?

“Can we find some time to talk this weekend? I can find coverage for the dorm—”

“I’m not sure that’s necessary,” Elia interrupted. “We don’t really have that much to talk about.”

“I think we do.” Kamryn resisted the temptation to reach out and touch again. She knew Elia wouldn’t accept it, that she didn’t want it, even though it would help her to find some sort of connection between them again. “Everything’s been off these last few days.”

“It’s just been me, not you,” Elia answered, giving Kamryn a patronizing smile. “Don’t worry about it, really. It’s nothing you’ve done.”

“Well, it’s good to have confirmation on that front, but I wasn’t thinking that it was anything I’d done.” Kamryn rubbed her lips together as a thought occurred to her that hadn’t managed to work its way into her brain before. “Was it something that I didn’t do?”

Elia twitched at that, her entire body jerking with a start. “What?”

“Are you upset that I didn’t do something you wanted—or maybe needed—me to do?” Kamryn held her breath, wanting this to be the answer that she’d been searching days for.

Elia blinked at her, as if trying to process that information before she shook her head. “No. Well, yes, a little, but it’s not your fault. You wouldn’t know any better.”

“O…kay.” Kamryn was more lost now than she was before. “Care to fill me in?”

“No,” Elia answered simply, her voice ringing out in the bus seats like there was no one else there but them.

Was Elia not even going to try anymore? Or was she trying to push Kamryn out more now than she had before? Kamryn chose her words carefully. “I respect that it’s your decision whether or not to tell me. It’s just really hard for me to know where to go from here without some sort of direction.”

“You’re going to have to trust me on this, Kam. I don’t want… We do need to talk, you’re right. But now isn’t the time or the place. And I need more time before I can have that conversation.” Elia’s face didn’t betray anything of what was going on behind her eyes.

Kamryn wished it did. Because she really needed some sort of hint to figure out what wasn’t being said. “All right.”

Kamryn leaned back into the seat, giving in to the fact that she wasn’t going to get any more information than what she’d already gotten. Elia was closed off for a reason, and until she decided to let Kamryn in, then Kamryn was going to be left on the cold outside like she’d never mattered. But she had mattered. Kamryn had seen that in Elia’s eyes, in the touches they’d shared, and she wasn’t ever going to doubt that.

“Just… one thing,” Kamryn said, sitting up straight again. “Lauren always shut down like this, and it scares me that you’redoing it, too. I don’t want a repeat of my past mistakes, and so I don’t want to push you if you’re not ready, but I also don’t want to leave you alone if that’s the last thing you need. What I need is some guidance from you about what you need or want me to do.”

Elia’s lips parted before her jaw clenched hard. The muscles bulged at her cheeks, and then her face fell. “I don’t want to repeat past mistakes either.”

And then there was nothing.

Frustration ate away at Kamryn. She’d tried so many times and she wasn’t getting anywhere.