Page 31 of My Big Fat Italian Break-Up

‘Go to sleep now. I’m exhausted.’

I fell back into my own space. Huh. And we weren’t even married yet. We really were an unorthodox couple.

*

The next day, as I was debating whether or not to pick up the phone and inform the dysfunctional Cantellis about my equally dysfunctional wedding plans, a dark blue official-looking car with the letters NAS pulled up in our drive and I almost fainted on the spot – the Health and Safety Department! These were the real deal this time, not a prank.

‘Erica Cantelli?’ the bigger uniform (and paunch) asked.

‘Yes?’ I answered, swallowing.

‘We received a phone call from Laura Magri’s office? About a rat?’

‘Oh, that.’ I giggled nervously. ‘No worries – someone was trying to play a joke on us.’

‘That may well be,signora, but as it’s been flagged up, we have the duty to carry out an inspection.’

‘But it was just a joke, I tell you. Someone wants to shut us down. Why don’t you investigate that instead?’

Mr. Big Uniform shrugged. ‘That’s a separate department. We’re NAS. You want to sue someone for slander, you call a lawyer first.’

‘But I already did…’ I faltered, thinking that Laura had caused us more damage than the Cascianis. At least they hadn’t made any official calls. But Laura? She’d brought the bloody NAS down on us.

‘You’re welcome to inspect us now,’ I offered. ‘Be my guests.’

Albeit my only ones. The place was always spotless. Let them inspect the hell out of us. Let them do it now and get it over with.

‘No, we’ve just come to warn you, seeing as you’re friends of Laura’s. We’ll come back in the future.’ The threat in his voice was tangible.

‘But I’m ready now! Go ahead,’ I insisted.

But The Paunch lifted his hand in sign of ‘we’re out of here’. And in a flash, they were. Now was that not enough to send you over the edge?

*

‘Hello!’ came Marcy’s voice over the phone the next day as Renata, Paul, Julian and I were having coffee on the terrace. A loudspeaker squawked in the background as if she were at a soccer game. Crap – I’d totally forgotten to call her after all.

‘Marcy? I can barely hear you. Where are you?’

‘In Milan. I’m landing in Pisa at two thirty. Surprise!’

Surprise? Surprise was the least of it. Horror was more like it. She wasn’t supposed to be here. Not for another two months. Not until I’d armored up first! If she found out about the wedding she’d never leave now!

But I was quick to recover. ‘Oh, wow!’ I managed, rolling my eyes and giving my gang the slice-my-throat gesture. Which would have been a great idea, come to think of it now. ‘Great. So I can give you the good news in person.’

‘What?’ she called. ‘I can’t hear you. Did you say good news? Are you moving back to the States?’

‘No, Marcy, we’re not. I’ll tell you when I see you this afternoon.’

I put the phone down and stared at the three stunned faces around me.

‘Marcy?’ Renata whispered.

‘Here?’ Paul groaned.

‘Mamma mia,’ Julian choked. ‘I’d told you to call her…’

‘I’m sorry, I forgot.’