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Why can’t I have him?

I forget the reasons as his breaths mingle with mine.

I’m so sick of thinking. Of worrying all the time. Sometimes I can’t control my thoughts. Sometimes I’m just a ball of nerves spiraling out of control.

I want him.

That thought is as real and bright as a light beam breaking through the clouds. And if I could just have him, even for a little while, I think things would be better. But I’m terrified. Just touching him feels like I’m burning from the inside out. I lost him once. I don’t want to lose him again. I’m not supposed to have him again, because… reasons.

But I miss him so much. I miss the way he made me feel. I miss being with him, and above all else, I miss kissing him.

Look up.

My hands tighten against his. We’re in this room until morning either way. Why not just enjoy him while I have him? I’m not brave enough to put myself out there. To reason with him. But I can just look and trust that he’ll do the rest.

My eyes raise to Kellyn’s lips, and that’s all the encouragement my mercenary needs.

This time when he kisses me, I’m ready. This time, I kiss him back.

His knees part, so one rests on either side of mine, and I clutch at his arms, holding on as he kisses me senselessly. My memory is a huge disappointment. It focuses on the bad, remembers every detail so I can be tormented by a single embarrassment years later. But the good things? It glosses over them. Lets them fade.

Kissing him now is like the first time. So new and exciting. So wonderful and life-changing.

My hands explore the planes of his face, loving the roughness of the beginnings of the beard that’s growing with our travels. His strong neck. The curve of his jaw. His damp hair in my face.

I love all of it, and my mind is so blessedly quiet that I hope this moment never ends.

A deep noise comes out of the back of his throat when I suck on his lower lip before exploring the inside of his mouth with my tongue. I might be pressing against him too roughly, though, because he’s tilting backward, falling against the bed with me on top of him.

We’ve never kissed while lying down.

Our legs tangle, and I worry that I’m crushing him. I try to raise my weight up on my arms.

“Don’t,” he whispers before pulling me right back down.

All right, then.

I stop thinking about my weight and instead focus on every point of contact between us, how it makes the kissing even better. After an indeterminable amount of time, Kellyn rolls us over. Rolls me beneath him.

And I see exactly what he means.

I love having his weight atop me. Love feeling his strength and the entire length of him spread across me from his head to his feet.

I’ve never been this close to anyone. Had no idea what I was missing out on.

“Don’t ever stop kissing me,” I say. My first words in what feels like hours.

“You choose when we stop, then.”

I don’t stop him until I can barely keep my eyes open. And we collapse into sleep together.

The next morning, Kellyn doesn’t treat me any differently.

He brings up breakfast from the kitchen, hands me my food, and asks, “How did you sleep?”

“Deeper than usual.”

“Same.”