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I look at Freddy’s tablet. ‘Ease of use?’

‘You’ll have to use your imagination a little,’ says Freddy. ‘But this form covers all the basics. So. Who are you dating first? Ahmet or Marcus?’

CHAPTER26

Product Evaluation Form

Product Name: Ahmet Sahin

Date of Evaluation: Friday evening

Location: Mama’s Italian Cookery School, Mayfair

Product value: Human beings are all valuable in their way, so this question is borderline offensive. Ahmet is exceptionally valuable. Moreover, he provides value to the world by being a literary, educated person.

Reliability: Ahmet was early for our date. He also messaged to tell me he’d be early. So, I give him five out of five for reliability and will throw in an extra point for good communication. Of course, I felt especially bad turning up late after all those messages. But I managed it, and Ahmet was very pleased to see me.

Attention to detail: This is a little mixed. Ahmet brought me a tub of vegan parmesan, because I am vegan. This was thoughtful but not very observant, since I ate a cheese-based course at the Oxo Tower restaurant, whilst explaining that I am a vegan who can’t turn down cheese.

Packaging and Presentation: Ahmet turned up in a white shirt and a black fedora, claiming he was joining in with the Italian theme of the evening. This was a bold, fun statement and I liked it a lot.

Ahmet has a good body. Broad shoulders. Fit and toned. He also has lovely, gleaming olive skin that looks healthy and well-cared for. I wouldn’t be surprised if he gets facials, but then again, he probably doesn’t have the time. What with all the voluntary work he does.

Attractiveness and appeal: Ahmet is an attractive person. I could imagine sleeping with him would be a lot of fun, but don’t worry Freddy. I am sticking with our promotional strategy. Exclusive product. No sex until there are clear signs of commitment.

Clarity of product information: Ahmet talked a LOT. He told me all about his family (his parents are Turkish-Muslim and had a semi-arranged marriage, but both his sisters married for love, and he’s allowed to too), his thriving property business, his failing vegetable patch, his voluntary work with inner-city children and his love of 1960s American literature. So yes – information was clearly delivered.

Eco-friendliness: Ahmet grows his own vegetables, although he hasn’t successfully harvested anything yet. And he recycles. We had a long conversation about that. Ahmet is one of those super-humans who washes every recyclable piece of rubbish and separates things like cotton from the cotton bud so he can recycle the cardboard. A person we should all aspire to be.

Responsiveness and accessibility: Ahmet has been messaging me all week and replied to every one of my messages promptly. Within a few seconds sometimes. So he gets high marks here.

Problem resolution efficiency: Truthfully, Ahmet was a little bit awkward during our cookery lesson, dropping things and scolding himself. His ravioli turned out heavy and fell apart. But he had a good sense of humour about this and we had a laugh. So I would give him top marks for problem resolution.

Areas of improvement: Ahmet could probably talk a little less. Especially about theLord of the Ringsfranchise.

Ease of use: I’d have to say … yes? Ahmet planned the date meticulously, even checking my transport arrangements to and from the venue and giving train recommendations. And on the date, he was very easy company.

Durability: I cannot answer questions about durability just yet.

Overall Impression: Very positive.

Likelihood to recommend the product to others: I will be seeing Ahmet again if that’s what you mean. We’ve arranged to meet at Royal Ascot, where he will show me his giant vegan pork pie – no pun intended.

CHAPTER27

Product Evaluation Form

Product Name: Marcus Ajulo

Date of Evaluation: Saturday evening

Location: Various, culminating in Sushi Samba on Bishopsgate.

Product quality: As mentioned, it’s wrong to rate human beings on quality, but if I did, Marcus would get a very high score. His teeth are sparkling white, his physique athletic and his clothes immaculate. He also smells beautiful.

Reliability: Marcus picked me up at home for our date. This made it rather difficult to be late, but I managed it by keeping him waiting in the hallway downstairs while I sat upstairs on my bed re-readingCatch 22. Bit miserable to read about prisoner of war camps before a date, but it was either that ortheHandmaid’s Tale.

Attention to detail: Marcus called before the date and asked about my dietary preferences or if I had a fear of heights. The fear of heights question was confusing, but necessary. I’ll explain why later.