Page 70

You know when you look at the sun and see spots? We discussed this earlier.

That’sexactlywhat happens to me when I see Ridge naked. I can’t stop picturing him and his monstrous cock. Cock-spots.

For two hours into the race night, I do nothing but picture perfect, perfect cock and the nicest ass I’ve ever seen.

“Isawhim naked.”

Tori hands a customer his hamburger, engines revving in the distance as they prepare for the main events. “Yeah, me too.”

“Doesn’t count,” I whisper, tucking a twenty-dollar bill in the register and handing her back ten. “He was fifteen then.”

“Still, I’ve seen it.” And then she tips her head to the right. “Well, it was dark out, but still, I saw it. Kinda hard to miss if you know what I mean.”

I do know what she means. “I can’t believe he took your virginity.” I’m not officially jealous of her. My first time with Austin was in the bed of his truck behind the football field. I was cold, crying, and ashamed of myself because I wasn’t thinking about him. I was thinking about Ridge and wishing I would have given it to him. “Does Henry know?”

Tori laughs, just once, and then levels me a serious stare, tucking her hair behind her ears. “Fuuuuuckno. He’d probably kill him.”

“Did it hurt?” Why am I asking this? Girl, you know that will hurt.

“Uh, yeah. You saw it.”

“Truth.”

“Wait. . . how’d you see it?” Her eyes widen with a strange amount of excitement. “Did you cuddle with him?” Cuddle is code for sex with Tori. Ada’s starting to understand what words mean and in turn, we have to use code words.

“I was looking for the keys to the ticket booth, and he had them so I went to get them. He was in his trailer standing there naked after taking a shower.”

“Totally planned probably.”

“Probably.” And then I groan, sagging against the counter. “What am I going to do?”

“Whatever you want. You’retechnicallynot married anymore.”

“But I’mtechnicallynot divorced yet either. I just. . . I don’t understand him. He’s nice to my kids, provokes me. . . so say I sleep with him. Then what?”

“Well, the general idea from what I remember would be an orgasm. Hopefully a lot of them.”

“I don’t know what I’m doing,” I confess, hoping she might give me some insight into the dating world nowadays. Before Henry, Tori got around. I wouldn’t say she was a slut. . . okay, she was. She’ll admit it, but she wasn’t one of those who you thought, fuck, where’s her dignity?

She just enjoyed sex. With more than one person. Sometimes at the same time.

“Neither do I anymore. My kid sleeps in the bed with us.” Tori points up, sweeping a towel over the counter. “The last time Henry and I had sex was in the laundry room. I’m not sure if he got me off or if it was the vibration of the washing machine.” She turns when my mom hands her another hamburger to hand out. Her voice hushes as she whispers, “And I’m ashamed I don’t know.”

I laugh quietly, leaning into the wall beside the counter. “I remember those days. Sneaking around the house trying to be creative while the kids sleep.” I do remember those days, somewhat. With twins it’s even harder because while Grady was a good sleeper, Cash never slept.

“And then they turn to shit, and we stop having sex altogether?”

“No.” I wave my hand in her face. “It won’t be like that for you guys.”

Will it though? Does this happen in all marriages? I once read an article inCosmothat said if you don’t work at your marriage, it won’t work for you.

Is that what happened? We didn’t work at it.

Ridge walks by, right about then, with Grady by his side and he’s holding his hand. My heart tugs at the sight of him holding my son’s hand. He’s only known them, what, a week? And here he is treating them like they’re his. Do you know the last time I saw Austin holding their hand?

Probably over a year ago.

I don’t see Cash anywhere, but on any given night at the track, I have no idea where my boys go. Just like when I was a kid. This track was the one place I was free growing up. I could go anywhere and didn’t have to worry about parents or anybody kidnapping me.