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"A-huh, I did."

"When?"

"Lots of times, Rain, especially during the last year we were all together. I worried about you, about things that were going on and about the trouble Beni might get you into. And..." he said after a moment, "I just wanted to look at you. You've always been the most beautiful girl to look at," he said.

I felt the heat crawl up my neck and into my face. "There's lots and lots of beautiful girls in the world, Roy."

"Not for me," he said, shaking his head with a determination that made my heart heavy.

"Roy."

"Don't you ever get so angry you could just spit, Rain? Don't you ever just want to rip into anything and anyone around you?"

"I guess I do, but what good would come of it, Roy?"

"I don't know. Maybe it doesn't matter whether good comes from it or not. Maybe it's just a way of... of making yourself feel better. You were right before when you said something about a cruel joke being pulled on us, making us think we were brother and sister all this time when we weren't. It's like, like being tortured or something," he declared. "At least for me," he added looking away.

I reached out and touched his face and he looked up again. With just a slim shaft of moonlight at the one window, I could see the tears in his eyes, the pain.

"Can I just hold you?" he asked.

"Sure you can, Roy. I'd like that," I said and he slipped his arm behind my head and around my shoulders as he leaned on the bed and pulled me closer to him. For a long moment we remained like that, quiet, me listening to his steady, heavy breathing. My right arm was against his chest and I could feel his heart pounding. It made mine pound harder too.

He brushed my hair back and then he kissed my cheek. "Look at us, cast out in this world like two lost fish dumped off a boat into a lake they never swam. Both of us, rushing about, trying to make some sense of it all and every once in a while, running across each other and wondering if the other knows anything new, found a new school or some new companion to help manage the mess."

"From what I can see, Roy, that about describes most people?'

"Yeah," he said, "but it doesn't have to describe us." He kissed my cheek again. "Remember that day I looked at you and you didn't stop me?"

"Roy, let's not think about all that now."

"I never stop thinkin' about it, Rain. Whenever I was the loneliest, feeling about as low as a worm, I'd bring that picture up out of my treasure chest of memories and just fight to keep it there in my mind. After a while I didn't hear anything, smell anything or see anything else but you. That's the truth and I wouldn't tell it to anyone else but you, Rain. The other guys all think I'm some sort of dangerous, angry man, but if they knew how quickly a thought about you turned me into Mama's homemade jam, they'd probably jump me and pound the glory out of me just for the satisfaction."

"Oh Roy, don't say that."

"I have to say what I feel, don't I? You are about the only person I never lied to, Rain. Never, except when I thought we were brother and sister and I had to hide my feelings. I'd tell you I was watching you to .protect you or make sure you didn't get into any trouble, but the real reason was my eyes wouldn't turn away from you. I just liked to watch you."

"You're torturing yourself, Roy. You're making the joke crueler on yourself."

"It doesn't have to be that way:' he insisted.

I felt his hand on the side of my leg. It moved smoothly, softly up to my hip bone and then settled on my stomach. My heart was thumping louder and faster than his.

"Roy."

"If we did it once, Rain, just once, we wouldn't think again about who we were, only about who we are. That's the only way to know for sure if we could."

"I don't think I can, Roy."

"Sure you can. You just keep telling yourself we aren't blood relations. We are two different people. We had different mamas and papas and if we met someplace and never knew each other before, it would be fine. You just tell yourself that," he said. His hand moved down. I jerked myself away a little, but his hand stayed there and then he turned my face slowly and kissed me on the lips.

"What did you say your name was again? Rain? Wayne?"

I smiled.

"Where are you from, girl?" he followed, continuing his make-believe scene.

It seems that we all need our pretended lives, I thought.