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“You!” She scoffed.
“Me?” I asked and pointed at my chest. “Fuck I do to you?”
“Everything.” She grunted.
“Aight twin. You got it.” I wasn’t trying to argue with Nariah. For once I really wasn’t. I was tryna accept the fact that she was really moving on from my ass.
“I know I do.” Dropping her elbows down onto her legs Nariah cradled her head in her hands. “Why couldn’t you just be faithful.”
“Nariah, ain’t no blueprint on this shit. I love you and that ain’t never been a question. I did some fucked up shit and I can sit here and make up a hundred reasonswhybut it ain’t gon’ change a fucking thing. On top of that ain’t no rhyme or reasonwhy I did the shit. Just like it ain’t no reason to try and justify the shit. I fucked up and I gotta own that.
I know I played a lot of games, but you really are the love of my life. You mean more to me than all of this shit. Ain’t nobody in this world that make me feel the way you do. I be sitting here thinking and yeah, I know we over with and moving on and shit, but I’ll never feel like it’s just over. Part of me feel like we lost our way and eventually we will find our way back.
The thought of you being with another nigga will never sit right with me and I ain’t gone sit here and pretend that it will. Cause it was supposed to be just us.”
“If it was supposed to just be us then why wasn’t it?” The tremble in her voice let me know she was ‘bout to start crying.
“I feel like we’re going in circles with no direction on how to stop and go straight. I be in my head trying to figure outhowI allowed myself to get here. Knowing I should’ve walked away when my heart told me you was out fucking off. I used to feel like what we had was a once in a lifetime kind of thing.”
“And it was.” I avowed.
“Not if you gave it to somebody else.” She hissed. “Like damn was I not enough?”
“The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.”
“In other words, I don’t satisfy you. Got it.” She nodded. “So there really wasn’t shit I could’ve done to prevent this. Noted.”
What I did ain’t have shit to do with Nariah. And I hated that she felt the need to place the blame on herself instead of on me. Nariah was perfect in every fucking aspect. The last thing I wanted was to break her spirit and have her questioning herself.
“That’s just it. You do. You satisfy my spirit and not just my flesh. You did everything the right way. It was me who fucked us up. And that’s something I’mma have to live with. What I did had nothing to do with you and more to do with me being greedy.”
“This shit is so fucked up.” She fretted.
Thumbing away her tears I groaned. “I know baby. I’m already knowing. I need to ask you something though.” My tone was low, vulnerable even, but my heart wouldn’t rest until I knew what I was up against. Cause let’s face it, I wasn’t ready to give Nariah up. Like at all and was fully prepared to do whatever I had to do to get her back.
“What Julius?”
“We done? Like you don’t ever see us fixing this shit?”
“Why? Why do what you did if this was where you wanted to be Julius? Why even put us through that?”
“I’on know.” I shrugged.
“Then there’s your answer. I don’t know.” Getting up Nariah stared down at me. “If I meant all of that to you then hurting me wouldn’t have even crossed your mind. You’re asking if this is it but have yet to say you won’t do it again. I don’t think you understand how much this broke me. I feel so weak for even wanting to still be with you.
It feels like I lower myself every time I think about coming back. Like I have no dignity. You carried on a whole relationship on the side and because you’re sorry you got caught, I’m supposed to just forget that it happened. I am not that girl Julius. And the more we rehash this situation I feel like you don’t respect me.” Paying me one final glance Nariah turned and walked off taking my beating heart right along with her.
It took me a few seconds to process what had just happened and before my mind could register it completely, I was off my feet and trailing her into the house. Grabbing her by the arm I pulled her to me. “I’m sorry baby. I told her as my heart twisted in my chest. “I’m sorry for fucking up and I’m sorry for hurting you.”
Nariah looked up at me with tears in her eyes. “Julius, I don’t believe you.”
“That’s fair. I never meant to hurt you though Nariah.”
“You did. A lot.” Tucking her bottom lip between her cheek she closed her eyes and expelled a deep breath.
“I’m sorry.” I repeated and grabbed her face between the palm of my hands. “I’ll let you go Nariah.”
“You said that las?—”