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She often throws my age back at me because she knows it annoys me. It only annoys me when it comes to her, because of our age gap. It was another tool I used to keep her at bay. It’s not just the age, but the fact that she’s my PA. This could get tricky and I don’t know what comes next after tonight.
Fantasizing about Cari was the most I did. I never thought we'd end up in bed together. The unthinkable has happened, and we have two weeks left here. But ?then what? The Knight family won’t take well to our liaison, and now that my father seems focused on an alliance with the South American telecom magnate, he won’t like this at all.
I feel Cari’s muscles clenching around me, and I pull my fingers out of her.
“It was on another level?” she asks, completely ignorant of the worries encircling me.
I nod, looking at her and still marveling that we took this leap into the unknown. “It absolutely was.”
“Okaaaay, then ... I believe you, because I know how easily you lie. I’ve been privy to your business dealings, Mr. Knight, and I know the things you say about people behind their backs when you’ve been so nice to them to their face.”
Trust her to call me out on that.
“It’s the price of doing business.” I lower my head and suck her breast again, my addiction to her growing stronger. She moans as I suck her greedily.
She lifts my head gently, breaking the suction of my lips to her nipple. “We were in the middle of a conversation.”
I sigh with disappointment. “Okay. I own up to it. I can be two-faced sometimes if it's warranted. But that’s business. What we have is private. Personal.”
“You’ve liked me for months?”
“Yes.”
“But you liked me when my mom passed, you were still seeing people. “You'd just broken up with Dina and then you met Alicia.”
She seems to be hung up on Alicia. That’s my fault. I told her to make more restaurant reservations, and pick her up more gifts, than with the others. It’s as if I knew my feelings for Cari were getting stronger and I had to nip them in the bud. The Knight name has a certain reputation. “It’s all about the brand,” my father often says. “Tarnish the brand at your peril.”
“You were off limits to me. I couldn't do anything with you even though you were in my head much of the time. I had to carry on living. I had to get through the day,” I protest.
“Your relationships were ... transactional?” she asks, surprised.
I've been thinking a lot about that recently. This time away from the office, from my father, from my brothers, has finally given me the space to think. I realize that I haven't ever had a long gap between girlfriends. Apart from that year after Sophia died, when I could barely function and all I wanted to do was be with Brooke.
“They weren’t transactional, exactly,” I start to explain. “There was an attraction, both ways, with all my girlfriends. But I think I dated more to stave off the loneliness. Instead I was just making it worse.”
“Worse?”
It’s obvious she wants to discuss this at length, and I sense it's been bugging her. Just like being here in Bermuda has probably been aggravating, given the types of people she's had the misfortune to meet. I need to reassure her.
“Nothing ever felt right. I couldn't see a future with Dina, or Alicia, or the others.”
I've said too much. She moves away and sits up, drawing her knees to her chest and folding her arms. Fuck knows why I said that. I didn't mean to talk about the future. It’s the last thing on my mind, but sometimes, when I see Cari with Brooke, I get a whisper of what would make my life complete.
For Brooke, for sure.
For me, I'm not so sure.
“Don’t listen to me. The blood has drained to below my waist and I’m not thinking straight.” I sit up and gently move her arm away. “I don't want to scare you, Cari. I just don't know what this is.”
She gives a nervous laugh. “We don't have to think about that. We just have to get each another out of our systems.”
Is that what this is?
“You mean I have to fuck you out of my system?” I force a laugh, untangling her other arm from around her knees.
She gives me a rueful look. “That should do it.”
This isn’t about sex. No way. I take her hand in mine. “I was just building on the loneliness with those women because everything was superficial with them. I was too blind to see that at the time. It was about having someone to be seen at exclusive restaurants with. What luxury resorts we could stay at. What people we could meet with. What I could give them. It was a mutually beneficial arrangement. But it wasn't enough.”