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It felt strange to share itwith her. Which was odd, because I’d had no problem fucking someother woman while I was on the phone to Charlotte. Nothing hadchanged, but something about it nagged at me. “I met a guy and wehooked up. Nothing half as exciting as what you got upto.”
“Poor you,” she chirped.“I’m going to get in bed, but I’m still keyed up. Do you mind if Iwatch TV? Can you fall asleep with it on?”
I couldn’t, but I said,“Yeah, no problem,” and watched her leave before I got in and tooka quick shower, myself. When I went to the bedroom, she was proppedup on the pillows, wearing the silky nightgown I’d given her andclicking through her streaming options.
“I’ve beenwatching this old show,Cheers? Have you heard of it?” sheasked.
“Yeah. I’ve heard of it.”And hearing it described as “this old show” made me want to go intothe woods and die so I wouldn’t burden the rest of the clan. Iwould not tell her that I’d watched the finale on broadcasttelevision with my own two eyes.
I pulled the duvet back andslipped between the sheets next to her. There was somethingcomfortable about having her with me, even when we weren’t havingsex. Maybe it would have been awkward to spend this much time withsomeone I wasn’t in a relationship with, but not when the someonewas Charlotte. And I’d never felt so at ease spending so much timewith anyone I’d dated or, hell, been engaged to. I’d set strictboundaries about my “me” time. I’d needed to be alone to decompressfrom being around people, even ones I loved.
Being with Charlotte felt likedecompression on its own.
“I think we should probablytake it easy tomorrow,” she said, pausing with “che” in the searchbar on the screen. “I did…a lot tonight. And I assume you’ve gotsomething amazing planned for your birthday.”
“I do,” I admitted. Mybirthday party was a highlight of my year, regardless of where ittook place. I didn’t always come to Ascend Red, but I always made ahuge deal out of my birthday. “Do you think you’ll be back infighting shape by then?”
“Fucking shape, you mean?”She giggled. “I have two days. I’m sure I’ll bounceback.”
“When is your birthday, bythe way? I’m horrible with dates, but I can always have myassistant send you flowers.” It was a half-joke. I was terriblewith dates, but any gift I sent Charlotte would be more personalthan flowers purchased by an employee.
“October twenty-sixth,” sheresponded, her face going a little blank, like she was steelingherself against something. “But I don’t celebrate it. I wouldprefer if people didn’t make a big thing out of it.”
“Flowers would be making abig thing?” Seemed like a weird boundary, but if she truly wantedme to respect it, I would. Still, there was something so unhappy inher eyes. “I won’t send flowers. Can I ask, though—”
“I think it should beobvious, right?” Her tone was hard, sharp. Something that was honedand forged, not grown naturally.
And then I realized. “It’sbecause of the bone marrow.”
She nodded bleakly.
“That wasn’tyour—”
“I know it wasn’t myfault,” she snapped, then immediately softened. “Sorry. It’s atouchy subject for me.”
“I know. I should haverealized. And I still said everything wrong.” There had to be somemagical phrase to erase the hurt I’d dredged up. “Would it be allright if I called you this year on October twenty-seventh to tellyou that I’m so glad you were born?”
She burst into tears.
That was not the reactionI’d been aiming for.
“I won’t, I won’t, I’msorry!” I didn’t know what else to do, so I put my arms around her.That made her cry harder.
“I don’t mean to be likethis,” she sobbed against my shoulder. “I promise, I’ll be funagain in a minute. I need—”
“Whoa, wait.” I took her bythe upper arms and held her slightly back from me, so I could lookher in the eye. “You don’t ever have to suppress your emotionalreactions to be ‘fun’ for me, okay?”
She nodded, but I couldtell she wasn’t buying it. So, I pulled her close and kissed thetop of her head.
“Listen,” I whispered,stroking her damp hair. “If this whole birthday thing is bummingyou out, I’ll cancel my party.”
“Don’t say that.” Shesniffled, and I wondered if offering her a tissue to use instead ofmy shoulder would be insensitive.
But I was totally serious aboutcanceling the party. As much as I loved my birthday, I lovedCharlotte a whole lot more.
I loved Charlotte.
IlovedCharlotte.