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The real reason? The real reason is something I’m not ready to say out loud. Not even to her.
“I met Jeremy a week after I left. We spent nearly the entire summer in the Hamptons together—my stepfather and his father are good friends. I was freaking out. Everything I knew was gone. My brother. You. Conner. My dad…” I shrug. “Jeremy was there for me. We became friends. Real friends. Before we went back to the city, he told me he was gay and that he wasn’t ready to come out. That he couldn’t because of his father. He proposed a way to for me to gain instant acceptance into his very tight, very judgmental social circle while helping him hide his sexuality from his family.”
“He wanted you to pretend to be his girlfriend,” Tess says, reading behind the lines perfectly.
I nod. “I’ve been in a fake relationship with my gay best friend for almost nine years now.” I tilt my drink, watching the whiskey climb the side of my glass. “I left here a virgin, Tess. Think about that for a minute.”
I know when she understands what I’m telling her because her eyes go wide and her mouth falls open. “You came back here to lose your virginity to Conner?” She looks like she’s on the verge of passing out. “Is that what you’re telling me?”
“Yes.”
“And that’s it? That’s all you wanted from him? Sex—nothing else?”
“Yes.” I force myself to say it even though the lie burns my throat, hotter than the whiskey. “From what I’ve heard from my brother, my leaving didn’t slow Connor down in the slightest when it comes to women.” Even as I say, I remember him sitting in the seat Tess is sitting in now. The look of stunned horror on his face when he realized who I was. “Casual sex is his bread-and-butter. He doesn’t care who he sleeps with.” Even as I say it, I know it’s not entirely true. Conner does care. If I’d given him a choice, if I’d told him who I was last night, he wouldn’t have touched me. He made that perfectly clear. “So, why not me?”
Tess studies me for a minute, her full mouth drawn into a thin, grim line. I can’t decide if she’s trying to rein in her temper or keep from laughing in my face. When she finally opens her mouth, it’s to change the subject completely. “Do you want to marry this Jeremy guy?”
“He’s my friend, and he needs my help.” I know it’s not the answer she’s looking for, but it’s the only answer I can give. The truth feels too much like a betrayal.
Tess nods her head like she understands. The Tess I know would do anything for someone she cared about, but just because she understands, doesn’t mean she likes it. “When this goes bad—and it will go bad—I need you to understand that I’m with Connor, all the way. It won’t matter to me what he does or how badly he behaves. I’m with him.” She enunciates her words and speaks clearly. “He could murder the world, and you’d find me, following along behind him with a shovel, burying the evidence.”
There are so many things about Tess that I’ve missed. Her hard, bone-crushing hugs. Her way of speaking plainly. Her dry, sarcastic wit. But it’s her blind loyalty that I’ve missed the most. Knowing that she’s no longer loyal to me hurts more than I want to admit.
“I understand.” Setting my glass flat on the table, I straighten my shoulders. “Now what?”
“I’ll tell you now what.” Tess drains her glass before slamming it onto the table between us. “Now we’re gonna go to Benny’s, and you’re buying my ass some pancakes.”