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I held myself back.

I had friends. Brandy, Jade, and Tiffany were great. Crystal, well, she had a lot of growing up to do. But the others I got along with. We didn’t compete with each other like most women did. We went shopping and helped each other with our daily life.

But it was all superficial.

On the surface, I was happy. Content.

But deep down, I wanted more. I just wasn’t sure what I wanted or how to get it.

For years, I had told myself this life was enough. But now, seeing Blade rub Beck’s belly, excited for the life they created together. Being able to watch Ellie as she learned to be a mother to two little girls she didn’t give birth to. And witnessing Jack and the way he was completely devoted to being a father to Charlie.

Even seeing Danny and Dante with Danika when they were here. They loved that little girl despite only just learning about her.

It made me long for things I couldn’t have. I was too broken. Too damaged to mold a young mind. Sure, Sam and Ellie let me spend time with the girls. And I was sure once the babies were here, I would be a help to them in that regard as well.

But I wasn’t pure enough to raise a child. Being the sole person responsible for making sure they grew up healthy, happy and well-adjusted, wasn’t something I was capable of.

Hell, I couldn’t create that for myself, so how would I ever be able to provide that for a small human who was completely dependent on me?

Besides, a child needed a mother and a father. Or at least two responsible adults who loved each other enough to want to work together to bring up a child.

That wasn’t in the cards for me.

No husband.

No babies.

It didn’t stop me from dreaming, though. Or imagining a big, blond Viking with dark chocolate eyes. Eyes that were warm and caring, with just a hint of mischief. He convinced me to trust him, and I let him carry me out of that cell. I felt safe. Protected.

I was being foolish, though.

He had seen me at my absolute worst. Naked and covered in filth. There was no coming back from that. Men were not interested in women that were damaged and broken. Women that were used the way I was.

My current role notwithstanding.

Men wanted women they could introduce to their moms and not be embarrassed by them. Women they could have on their arm without the risk of coming face-to-face with someone who had fucked her before they did.

I didn’t even know the faces of all the men I had been with. I didn’t always get to see them. I could be on the street one day and have someone walk up to me with an intimate knowledge of my body and never know it.

No, men did not want women like me.

So, as I made my way upstairs to my room, the room that had been mine for the last five years, I settled into my bed, knowing this room would continue to be mine.

As a new year started, I would once again live out my days here in this clubhouse.

Where I felt safe.

Where I felt loved.

And at the end of this new year, I would once again sit at the bar and reflect, or rather mourn, all the things I would never get to do. All the ways I would never really live.

I was a prisoner of my own making. King may have put me on lockdown two weeks ago, but I trusted it was for my safety.

He knew the monsters I had to watch out for even if I didn’t.

Chapter Twelve

Melissa