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Don’t be crazy.

Too late for crazy, baby.

Stay in Seattle. I promise, I’ll call you tomorrow.

CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE

LUNA

The days are getting cooler and shorter as summer gives way to fall.

The NHL season hit full stride four weeks ago, and slowly I’ve become more withdrawn from reality. I’ve barely checked socials, determined to bury my head as far in the sand as possible.

I haven’t seen Zach in almost three months, and despite the way I’ve withdrawn, I can still feel him all around me. The want to be near him only grows stronger as does the lump in my throat each time my students tease me about dating a hockey player.

I wish it were that simple.

I wish I had all the answers.

I wish I could call him right now and tell him I want to try and make this work.

Because I do. With every piece of me, I want this to work.

But like I told him that day outside departures, I’m not sixteen anymore. I don’t have a crush on the local hockey boywho sits in some of my classes and hangs out with the same friends. Instead, I’m a thirty-one-year-old woman who’s fallen for a man who lives and works on the other side of the country. I’ve fallen forhimand not his lifestyle. I’ve fallen for his friends and the amazing people he has around him, but not the way every part of their lives is put under a microscope.

I sit at my desk at the end of the school week, grading piled high beside the cold cup of coffee I forgot to drink. I feel distracted and off-center. In the past, I’ve found refuge in my work, but not anymore. Peace has escaped me. I haven’t even wanted to swim since it provides no relief.

The overwhelm and need to feel connected to him again wars with the part of my consciousness that holds me back from potentially hurting us both. The younger teenage girl would drop everything to be with the boy she likes. But the older Luna, the one who’s trying to think things through, knows if I commit to moving to Seattle, then I’ll be going all into the unknown, and I can’t do unknown. The guilt of leaving my mom also eats away at me. We aren’t close, but who else does she have?

I’m scared to make the jump, but I’m unhappy staying where I am. I hoped time would help show me the way and help me decide one way or the other. I hoped internalizing for a while would help me work out what was best for us both. But I just keep digging and muddying the waters.

I’d feel desperate if it weren’t for the two girls I’ve come to love so much. I need them, so I pull out my phone to empty my heart once more. I thought they’d be sick of me and my upset by now, but each time I contact them, they’re there and ready to prop me up.

Me

This really sucks.

Felicity

Talk to me, babe.

Me

I would if I knew what to say.

Kate

For what it’s worth, I think if space was going to give you answers, then it would’ve by now.

Me

I miss him.

Kate

I’d miss that butt too.

Felicity