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That had been it. Their first kiss had been at the end of their second official date, and it had been awkward and, well, pretty bad, so they’d laughed and tried again. They’d been one another’s first about two months after that. It, too, had been awkward, but they’d tried again and again whenever they could find privacy. Eliza’s mom usually worked late, so it had often been after school that Lydia would come over, and they’d have a few hours to themselves before she’d go home for dinner. It hadn’t always been romantic. In fact, it had rarely been that. They’d been horny teenagers figuring out what they liked and what they didn’t like. They were still best friends, though, so that made the new part of their relationship better than she supposed it would’ve been with anyone else.

Senior year had come and gone, and they’d gone their separate ways for college. Being a six-hour drive apart and with both of them having difficult majors in school, they’d lasted for about six months that first year and decided to break up for the sake of their friendship because it had just been too hard. Eliza had been the one to officially deliver the blow. And ithadbeen a blow. They hadn’t talked for a while after that. Then, when the summer came and they’d both gone home, they’d acted almost as if the romantic part of their relationship hadn’t ever happened. It had been a survival technique, Eliza knew, but it still hurt, and she was sure it had hurt Lydia, too.

After college, they’d both moved back home, and Eliza thought they’d start back up again. It made sense to her that they would. College and the distance from one another had been the things that had gotten in their way, not how they felt about one another. The distance had been too hard for them to overcome back then, but after school, they’d been in the same place. Lydia had met someone else, though, and Eliza had, once again, been the supportive best friend. Then, Eliza had met someone else, too, and they’d gone on double dates together. Those relationships had ended, and new ones had begun, but they’d never found their way back to one another how she’d always wanted. Of course, she’d never said anything to Lydia about it because Lydia hadn’t ever seemed to have a problem meeting new women, and Lydia had never said anything about still being in love with Eliza how Eliza was with her.

Now, Eliza was thirty years old, on a camping trip to celebrate Lydia turning thirty-one, and she didn’t really want to be here. It also wasn’t because of what had happened to her when she was a teenager. It was because that feeling of missing out on something important hadn’t ever gone away. Yes, they’d been high school sweethearts, and most of those relationships didn’t work out, but they were still best friends, and finally, they were both single at the same time.

“Hey, how are you doing with the whole breakup thing?” Lydia asked her later when they were both bundled up in their sleeping bags, staring at the ceiling of the tent and listening to the crickets and the wind rustling through the leaves.

“It’s been a month,” she said without really answering.

“I know. Still asking, though. You were with her for seven months. That’s a long time for you.”

“Hey!” Eliza laughed.

“What? It’s true. Your longest relationship was with, well, me, and we were eighteen.”

“Seventeen when we started and almost nineteen when we ended,” she reminded.

“And I think you’ve had one girlfriend long enough to celebrate a birthday with you.”

“Why are we talking about this?”

“I’m trying to make sure you’re okay,” Lydia said.

“I’m fine,” she replied.

“She told you she loved you, and you broke up with her, Eliza.”

“I didn’t love her.”

“But she waited. She waited seven months to tell you, when I know she felt it much earlier because I could see it.”

“Are you trying to make me feel bad?”

“No, I’m just wondering why you let it go on for that long if you didn’t love her.”

“I thought I did. Well, I thought Icould,at least. I kept waiting for that feeling to hit me, but it never did. Whenshesaid it, though, I realized that I needed to tell her that I wasn’t there and didn’t think I would be. It was unfair to her, and I still feel horrible, but I didn’t mean to hurt her.”

“I’m starting to worry about you.”

“What? Why?” Eliza rolled on her side to face Lydia.

“Because whenever you date someone, we end up having a conversation similar to this one: youthoughtyou could love her, but you couldn’t.”

“It’s not always like that. Sometimes, I get cheated on,” she argued.

Lydia laughed a little and said, “Out of the five relationships you’ve had since college, seven months was the longest, and you didn’t love her. One of them cheated on you, yes, but the other three were brief, and you didn’t love them, either.”

“So?”

“So, Eliza, I want you to be happy.”

“Iamhappy.”

“Areyou?”

“Yes. And I’m not in a relationship, but so what? Not everyone needs to be in a relationship. I have my job. I own my own home. I have a car that runs. I have a best friend.”