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Amelia was right at least. “Thanks.”
A man carrying a brown paper bag smelling of lime and salsa wanders into the hall. “Cruz, I’ve got to go. I’ll call you later.”
I stand and wave to the guy, but chicken out of delivering the food to Amelia myself and ask him to do it. I had to check the food and frisk him first of course, which he did not appreciate, so I added an extra twenty to the tip.
I wait several feet down the hall, close enough to see Amelia when she opens the door. But she doesn’t look for me, she grabs the food and retreats into her room.
When the soda and gourmet cookies arrive, I take them from the delivery guy and plant my guilty, awful self in front of her door, ready to beg for forgiveness.
She opens the door but doesn’t say a word, only lifts a brow, waiting.
“I’m sorry.” I thrust the cookies and soda at her. “I was a jerk.”
She doesn’t move. Doesn’t take the offered treats, and doesn’t smile. It’s unbearable.
I rub the back of my neck. It’s going to take more than food. I need words.
“I could have reacted better.” Is that all the words I can come up with?
“No, the jealous protective vibe was actually pretty sexy.”
I stand straighter, my chest tingling.
“It was the other stuff I didn’t like.”
My chest deflates. “I didn’t mean it, Amelia. There’s no one in the world like you and you should never change for anyone. But this is different. It’s dangerous. I know you want to help, but I can’t risk your safety. The less you’re involved, the better, and there are some things I have to keep hidden from you.”
“Is that why you’ve closed me out? Why you won’t show me your heart?” She looks up at me with so much hope in those big blue eyes that my pulse slows. I’d rather show her all the case files on my computer or teach this reckless woman how to shoot a gun and fire a Taser than open my broken soul to her. Which is how I know that if I want something with her, showing her my heart is exactly what I’ll have to do. I have to show her my weaknesses.
“Give me a chance, Caleb,” she whispers.
“I—” How? Forget the fact I’m in the middle of a case involving her. How do I ignore the man I’ve always believed I am?
“You know what, it’s fine. You have a job to do and that’s what matters most right now. But someday, I hope you stop running from the good things. The good people. Unless being your dad is your end goal, then keep at it. But I hope you know, your path in life isn’t a consequence of your genetics. It’s your choice.”
With that, she slams the door in my face.
I’m completely dumbfounded. Speechless. How have I been so stupid?
Can it be that simple? I chose to keep people at a distance so I couldn’t hurt them like my father hurt me. But I became him anyway. He wasn’t the only one who made me, though. I also had the most incredible example of resilience and forgiveness.
How do I love like you did, Mom?
I tug at the ends of my hair and pace the hall, my thoughts exploding like grenades through my brain.
It would be terrifying to lay out all my scars for Amelia, but it would be even more terrifying to lose her because I wasn’t willing to try. She is everything I never allowed myself to want.
But can I be what she wants?
I want to be that man.
After the fifth trip down the hall, I stop outside her door again, prepared to knock. But she deserves more than a rushed plea. She deserves my heart, and I won’t beg for a chance until I can give it all to her.
I sit down on the floor and pull out my phone. Then I write down every thought that comes to mind. I practice emptying my heart, so that when it’s time I’ll have space for her.
Chapter 43
Amelia