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She just holds me for a long moment as it sinks in how much I needed her to.

It’s like she’s telling me, without words, that everything will be okay.

“What happened after that conversation?” she asks me gently, after a few minutes.

I just hold her and breathe for a few more moments, until I think I can get it all out.

“The next day, I was late coming home from school. I’d skipped English class again, so I knew I was in trouble, and I’d avoided coming home for dinner. I knew Dad was going to ream me out again. We’d argue, I’d get sent to my room, and then I’d sneak out later anyway.” I really don’t want to think about what happened next. But I promised myself I’d face it. For her. “But that wasn’t what happened.”

“You don’t have to tell me,” she says.

“I do.”

I rub my hand over my face, reliving those next few minutes. Not warped memories in an old, repeating dream. But real minutes that I actually lived. The worst in my life.

“When I got home, the house was quiet. One of the staff told me that my family was waiting for me up in my dad’s room. And I just got this terrible feeling. I went upstairs. My parents had separate bedrooms, and when I walked into my dad’s room, all my siblings and my mom were there, but Dad wasn’t. Mom was crying in Graysen’s arms. And they told me that Dad had died that morning, with two of his friends, in a helicopter crash.”

“Harlan… I’m so sorry. That’s just heartbreaking.” Quinn’s arm tightens around me. She looks up into my eyes; hers are watery and so blue. “I can tell that you feel guilty about it. But what happened, and the way things ended, were in no way your fault.”

“But maybe if I wasn’t making things so difficult for him at home, he would’ve been around more. Maybe, that morning, he wouldn’t have taken off in that helicopter.”

“No. That had nothing to do with you. You were a kid, and you were struggling. I’m sure your dad knew you loved him.”

“Maybe.”

“What about your mom?” she asks me.

I sigh. “I’d love to tell you that my relationship with my mom was much better, but I kind of swore to myself I wouldn’t lie toyou anymore. So the truth is, I didn’t have a great relationship with her, either. After Dad died, she remarried one of his business associates, and she moved me, Savannah and Jameson with her to France, to live with our new stepdad and his kids.”

“Oh. That’s… a lot.”

“Yeah. I think she wanted a whole new life as her way of getting over what happened, but I wasn’t ready for that. To me, it felt like everything that was important to me got ripped away, so suddenly. I was struggling with grief and guilt, and in the middle of it all, my grandparents, my older brothers, they all let Mom take me away to another country. And even then, when I told Mom I wanted to live with her, she said boarding school was the best place for me to be. But maybe it was the best place for me to befor her.”

“I don’t get it,” Quinn says. “I don’t understand why she wouldn’t want you around. Especially after losing your dad.”

“She didn’t seem to want any of us around. I spent the next few years struggling to know where I fit in, and not belonging anywhere. Back home, Damian and Graysen got closer, and I drifted further away. And when Savi and I came back to Vancouver as adults, things were just never the same.”

“But maybe they could be,” she says. “Maybe you can get closer again. I’m sure your family loves you.”

“Then I guess I don’t really know what love is.” This is a brutal thing to say to a woman I’m hoping will love me. I know that. But I have to say it anyway. “But maybe that’s because I never really had any role models to show me what love is. For me, love was agony. Love was loss and abandonment and rejection. I couldn’t even understand why women I dated always wanted to getcloser. It repelled me. I kept all my relationships surface-level. Even the girlfriend who left me because another man got her pregnant. I thought we might get married one day, because maybe I thought that’s all a marriage was; pickingsomeone who you went through the motions of a life with. And after she betrayed me, I think I fucking gave up.”

“You didn’t, though,” Quinn says.

“I really did. I decided love wasn’t for me. There would be more agony and no more loss, because I’d keep nothing worth losing. I’d be stronger on my own.” I look into her blue eyes. “But you know what I learned last night, while watching a cat with a broken leg sleep?”

She smiles sadly. “What?”

“I’m really not as strong or hard or self-sufficient as I pretend. I like having someone to come home to. Someone who needs me, like I need them. The truth is, I get lonely sometimes, with only my grumpy-ass self for company. I just kept telling myself I’m not good with people, so I don’t feel like I need them.” I study her pretty face.

“But then this ridiculous, frustrating, incredible woman with turquoise hair came along. And you were right. I became a monster, for you. Overprotective, possessive, controlling. And when I got you pregnant, for a few minutes, I actually thought it was the worst thing that could happen. It was like my worst fear happening all over again. The baby might be someone else’s. And worse, if it wasn’t… I was terrified of fatherhood. But by then, I think I was already way more terrified of losing you.”

“It doesn’t have to be like that,” she says. “You don’t have to lose me. There can be other endings to our story, Harlan.”

“Yeah. I’m starting to see that.” I pull her closer, right into my lap. “I’ve been so afraid to let people in. But you’re already in. I’m crazy about you. And I’ll do anything it takes to fight for you, and win.” I take a deep breath, and promise her, “Except lie to you. Because more than anything, I want you to trust me. I want a family. I wantyou.”

“Of course you do,” she says easily, wrapping her arms around my neck. “I never believed that grumpy act for a minute.”

I consider that. I think she’s half teasing. But also, half serious.