Page 91

In my eyes, he was the one who had done wrong. He kept us apart, and he kept me from my child. There wasn't much room in my heart for forgiveness, not for that. I wouldn't get to relive those years with my daughter, they were gone forever.

I won't miss another day of her life, and there's nothing he can do to stop me now.

Opening the door, the room was dark, with thin rays of light seeping between two curtains on the window. Small particles of dust were floating in the beam, creating a row of sparkles that rolled and tumbled as if they were dancing.

“Come on in, Jayden.”

Greg's voice was really hoarse and soft, reminding me of an old man I had met once in a bar back in Phoenix. The man was in his sixties, maybe even seventies, and every day he sat in that bar, in the same seat on the end, drinking shots of blackberry brandy and smoking cigars. His voice sounded the same, really scratchy and low, like his throat was made of sandpaper.

My eyes adjusted slowly to the dark room, finding shapes as they morphed from a fuzzy blur into an actual object. There was a nightstand next to the bed, and a worn recliner in the corner near the window.

The walls had pictures of fields with yellow flowers and there was a cross hanging beside the headboard. Moving my eyes to the mattress, nothing could have prepared me for what I would see.

Greg was laying in the bed, his face so much more slender and lean than I remembered. Waving me over, I approached the bedside and noticed that his arms were thin as toothpicks, and his eyes were sunken in, with deep purple rings underneath.

There was a metal bar with a handle dangling down from the ceiling, and a wheelchair next to the bed with a rolling food tray tucked behind it.

“Don't be afraid, I'm not going to bite you,” Greg said, taking notice of my eyes examining the stuff around him. “At least, I won't bite anymore. There was a time where I'd bare my teeth, you remember that.” Attempting to chuckle, he started coughing.

He looked so frail, like he would break in half if I walked too fast and the wind off my body hit him.

Greg smiled as he caught his breath and the coughing subsided. “You have that same look on your face now that you did back then. You look terrified.” Gripping the handle, he pulled himself up a little more. “What, does a cat got your tongue?”

What's wrong with him? What happened to her father?

“No, I just. . .” Pausing, I felt so wrong all of a sudden for all the feelings I had, for the thought of yelling at him and being aggressive. “I just—”

“Didn't expect this?”

That was an understatement for sure. With everything that happened in the past week, I didn't see a lot of shit coming my way.

Nodding, I tucked my hands under my arms and stood awkwardly in the center of the room. “I didn't expect a lot of things I found out recently.”

Greg kept his eyes on mine and his mouth motionless. He didn't smile, he didn't frown or grin or even twitch. He just stared at me like he was waiting for me to say more.

“This is hard for me to do. My mind is a mess right now.” I was being as honest as possible with him. There were so many things I wanted to say, but I wasn't sure how to get them out.

“Go on, speak what's on your mind, Son.”

“Honestly, I don't even know what to say.” Anchoring my gaze on Greg, I searched his eyes for an answer. I needed some guidance, because I didn't have a clue how to deal with any of this. “You were once a man people turned to, help me find the words.”

“Start where it all began, what do you want to say to me?”

Raking my fingers down my face, I paced in a small circle until my eyes fell back on him. How could I say anything now? Just seeing him laying in that bed, his body half the mass of a child, it just didn't feel right.

“I've had years to think about what I wanted to say to you, or what I should have said that day, but it doesn't matter anymore, none of it matters. It's in the past.”

“It's not in the past if you're still feeling it. We can't leave it in the past if we never gave it life to begin with. I made you angry, you're still angry, and that's okay. I want you to say what you need to, don't worry about me or my feelings. This is what you wanted, now you have it. My mind is fine, Son, it's just my body that's dying around me. So, say what's in your heart.”

Hanging my head, the only thing that came into my mind was Blue and how I felt about her. “All I really need you to know is that I love your daughter, I've always loved your daughter.”

Giving me an understanding nod, he said, “I love her too, which is why I did what I did.” Tapping the arm of the wheelchair, he guided me to sit next to him. Taking the seat, my eyes fell on his as he spoke. “You werebothchildren, Jay, but Betty is my daughter—my only child. Love at that age is a crazy crazy thing, it's so strong, but that doesn't mean it's right.”

But that wasn't your choice to make for us.

None of it was yours to decide.

Greg's brows knitted as his eyes traced a path around my face. “I know what you're thinking, and you're right. It wasn't for me to decide.”