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Chapter Sixteen

I havea few minutes before I have to leave, so I call Mom. I talk to her a few times a week, but I haven’t called her in a couple of days. Skye talked to her yesterday and I know she’s expecting me to call.

“Hi, Mom, do you have a few minutes to talk?”

“Hi, sweetie, sure do. How’s everything?”

“Same old stuff, classes and the job at the clinic.”

“Are you dating that boy yet?”

That’s my mom. She never beats around the proverbial bush. She gets straight to the point. I bet she already asked Skye about it and my sister set me up by not saying anything to me.

“Which boy, Mom? I’m not dating anyone.”

“River, why do you do this? You know exactly who I’m talking about. Liam, that gorgeous specimen of a man. You know, the tall, dark, and handsome guy you brought home with you and couldn’t keep your eyes off the entire time.”

“First, I didn’t bring him home with me. Skye invited him because otherwise, he would’ve been spending Easter alone. I was very much against it, let the record show. And second, I didn’t keep my eyes on him at all. I can’t stand him. He’s an arrogant ass.”

“Hmm, you’re perfect for each other, then.”

“Mom!”

“What?”

“Did you just call me an arrogant ass?”

“You have been known to be both and proud of it.”

I’m at a loss for words, betrayed by my own mother. I sputter my disbelief with a few sounds that roughly translate to, “Pfff.”

“What are you waiting for? That boy couldn’t keep his eyes off you either. I know you’re not a prude or shy like Skye, why deny it?”

“Didn’t you just hear me say he’s an ass?”

“I did notice his ass. It was a fine ass, I might add.”

“Mom! Seriously, you have no idea what you’re talking about. Liam is not the nice, sweet guy you think he is. All that nice behavior during meals and when he was helping out is not how he acts around me.”

“I sure hope not. That would be a waste of man candy if he were nice and proper all the time.”

“Oh my God, of all the mothers in the world, why did I have to get one with no filters?”

“River, it’s obvious you’re attracted to each other. Why fight it? You’re young, have fun, enjoy life. I’m not telling you to marry the guy. Just be open to the possibility that maybe the two of you together is a good thing.”

“There’s no two of us, Mom. The only reason we’re even around each other is because Skye and Logan are in each other’s pants every day.”

“I never thought I’d say this to you, being that I’ve said it to your sister for years, but maybe you should be a little more like Skye now. Just go for it.”

“Mom, there’s nothing to go for.” The words sound like a lie even to my ears and I want to believe them so badly.

“Okay, sweetie, deny all you want. It won’t make a difference.”

“What do you mean?”

“The cards have spoken. It will happen. All you’re doing is wasting some good fun time.”

Oh yeah, how could I have forgotten my hippy mom’s love for Tarot cards, crystals, and all woo-woo things. It’s time to go.

“I gotta go, Mom. Have work starting in a few. I love you. Talk to you soon.”

“I love you more. Just follow your heart. If you risk nothing, you win nothing. Then one day you’ll be on your deathbed wondering about all the ‘could have been’s and all the risks you didn’t take because of the potential of failure. One broken heart is worth a thousand unloved ones.”

I think over her words—One broken heart is worth a thousand unloved ones.

“River? Remember your name and go with the flow. You can fight the current, but in the end the current always wins.”

I hold the phone to my ear long after she hangs up, her parting words still bouncing in my mind. The current always wins. I’ve been swimming upstream for months now. Liam is just one more thing I’m fighting against and I’m so tired of trying to keep my head above water. So tired of going at it alone. It would be easy to break down and let go, to let Liam take me and erase all the non-memories in my head. But I’d be using him and something tells me he’d not be too keen on being used that way. Something tells me he would want to know and he would want to fix me. But I can’t be fixed. I can’t go back in time and make a different choice. I don’t even know what different choice it would be. I don’t even know what or who to blame. If I can’t blame anyone else, then the guilty party must be me. My choices are my punishment, my problem to deal with. I don’t want to share the burden with anyone else. I don’t want Skye or my parents looking at me with pity and wondering if I’m okay. I’m not okay. I haven’t been okay in over six months now. And above all, I don’t want Liam to look at me and see what I see when I look in the mirror.

My brain tells me I need help. I need to speak with someone. I know it to be true. I’m a Psychology major. I know what the text books say. I know I fit perfectly into their description. I know all that and yet, I deny it all. It’s not real. If I don’t speak about it, if I don’t think about it, it won’t be real.