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Through the reflection, I see Adriana stand. She hesitates for a moment before she makes her way to me. Her hand touches the middle of my back. No higher. She knows what that will earn her.
“I miss her too, Quinn. She was the best of all of us. That’s why I want to do everything I can to help you heal. I know if anything were to happen to you, Adele would never—”
She gasps as I twist around, grab the hand on my back and use it to propel her against the window. My hands close over her arms, and I lift her slight body up until we’re face to face.
“Do not fucking speak her name, do you hear me? I don’t want her name to ever pass your lips again. Not because she was your best friend and you miss her. Not because she made you my godmother, but you’ve taken delight in sucking my cock since I came of age. Do. Not. Speak. Her. Name. Because you know what happened. You were fucking there. And you did nothing.”
Her face goes as white as the walls in her office. “Quinn, please—”
“Shut the fuck up. I don’t want you to say my name, and I don’t want to hear your excuses.” My hiss is low, deadly enough for her to understand I mean business.
Her mouth snaps shut. I take a minute before I release her.
The roar is back. I want to slam my head against a wall to drown it back out. Instead, I shove my hands in my pockets.
“Goodbye, Adriana. I’m going out of town for a while. I’m not sure when I’ll be back. Sorry about the lack of ass-fucking. I probably would’ve accommodated you, but you blew it by reminding me just what type of human being you truly are. I’m sure you’ll find someone else to accommodate you in my absence.”
Her face contorts. Before she can open her mouth, I’m headed out the door. I don’t look back.
She knows better than to call my name again.
Back in my car, I pop the key in the ignition but don’t start the engine. My fingers wrap around the steering wheel, eyes closed with my head against the seat rest. For endless moments, I’m lost.
The hate, the vengeance and sex are instruments that oil my existence and keep my compass true. But thinking about her…my mother…always casts me adrift.
She was the purest thing in my life. The truest. A delicate flower in a nest of vipers. Her love was the closest thing that came to making me wish I was a better person. For her, I like to think I would’ve striven to be a less diabolical version of myself. Her every look once held that promise, that hope for me. And somewhere along the umbilical that connected a mother’s love to her son, a seed dared to sprout inside of me. Until it was mercilessly destroyed.
A fragile seed in a nest of vipers. Adele Blackwood had had no hope.
The burning in my chest spreads wide, upward, past my throat, my nasal passages, to settle behind my eyes. I swallow the rancid taste of bile and let the black grief engulf me.
I should’ve done more. I should’ve saved her.
But you didn’t.
My eyes fly open. I release my death grip on the steering wheel and start the engine. I drive aimlessly for an hour until I end up exactly where I shouldn’t be. Hell’s Kitchen. I park across the street and stare at the building.
The lamps she left on emit a soft and welcoming glow, the opposite of what I’m feeling right now. The opposite of what she’ll feel if I let myself in and let hell break free.
Hell’s attraction grows as I sit there, my engine idling. Without taking my eyes off the large square window, behind which my perfect poison lies, I hit the call button on my steering wheel.
“Yes, Boss,” Fionnella, my homely ex-government operative and trusted team leader, responds. She’s been with me from the beginning; is the only one who knows Q’s identity and what the end game is. She also has a horse in this race, which keeps her motivated.
“Would you believe me if I apologized for calling you so late?” I inquire. Up above, I swear I see Lucky’s shadow cross the window, but I accept my mind is in full chaos mode and could be making shit up.
“I believe remorse may have crossed your mind for a second, sir.”
“If that counts, I’d appreciate an update.”
“The only update since we spoke this evening is the results of her blood work. No surprises to report. She’s healthy. Yours came back clean too.”
My cock, pleased with the news, stirs and twitches. I relax my head against the seat and cup my dick. My last memorable fuck was a twenty-four-hour bender with a Latina spitfire three weeks ago. She’d welcomed my darkness, and things may have gotten a little out of hand, not enough for me to lose every shred of sanity, but close enough.
The clean bill of health brings a spike of impatience. “I need pros and cons of moving the schedule forward by a week.”
“The set up at the property will be finished in forty-eight hours. The crew-vetting should also be done by Monday. Her birth control shot will be fully effective from Saturday.”
“All pros.”