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“No. That’s not what this is about. Besides, harming implies an ongoing situation. Mine wasn’t. It was a one-time thing.”
“But you said you’d been thinking about it for a while before you did it, so there was forethought.”
I shake my head once. “That’s not what this is, Adriana. Trust me.”
“Okay. Tell me in what way this person affects you, then.”
Her image rises up. Defiant. Gorgeous. Fucked up. Utterly fuckable. Dangerous. I shrug. “They’re poking holes in my black spaces.”
“And this distresses you?”
“Hell no. I’m distressed for them.”
“Why. Do they matter to you?”
I pause a second before I answer. “There’s a potential they might fall through my cracks. I don’t need the collateral damage. I thought I didn’t care. I’m still not sure that I do. But it’s…affecting me.”
“Maybe consider cementing your cracks first? Put off involving this person in your situation just yet?”
I think of my fingers touching her satin-smooth skin, the white-hot flame on my desolate landscape. “It’s not that easy. I’m already invested.”
“Have you thought about setting yourself a hard limit?”
“It could be too late.” I have a feeling it’s already too late. For Quinn, anyway.
Q is another matter.
“Only you can decide by which point the investment will begin to lose its value. You’re not afraid of making tough choices, Quinn. But you also enjoy the buildup of chaos. That has been one of the things you’ve refused to tackle. Maybe now is the time to start?”
“Timing’s not good for me. Come up with another solution.”
She sighs and sits back. “The only other alternative is to let them see who you are. Give them the choice to walk away. But I don’t recommend that.”
“Why not?”
“Because people see what they want to see. And because you’re especially skilled at getting people to walk down a path they may not necessarily want to go but are unable to stop themselves from taking.”
“Are we still talking about just me here, Dr. Nathanson?” I smirk.
Unease flits over her face. “I’m serious, Quinn.”
I shrug. “So your solution is to save this person from my sociopathy before they hurt themselves through their own choices?”
“This isn’t a game, Quinn. You wouldn’t have woken me up at this time of the night if you weren’t worried—”
“Seeking clarity doesn’t equate with worry.”
“Then let me be clear. Until you take steps to fix what’s wrong with you, you’re putting them in danger. You probably know this already, but have convinced yourself you don’t care. But what you need to ask yourself is, do they deserve it?”
The stillness descends on me. It stops everything, including the roar.
I wanted clarity.
I’ve got it.
Will the demons let me keep it? Will the weight of my destiny let me even contemplate it?
I stand and walk over to her window. Down below, traffic on Lexington Avenue trips on as usual.