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I shake my head. “No. I know—I know what my options are. I just … I need to think. Decide if I’m going to … stay pregnant.”
That phrasing sounds better than any mention of the B-word. I’malreadypregnant.Stayingpregnant sounds manageable. Way less terrifying than saying the wordsI’m having a babyout loud. But one is on repeat in my head.Baby,baby,baby,baby,baby. Such a small, short,scaryword.
“All right. Here’s some literature, in case you want to take a look at it later.” She pulls out a pile of prepared pamphlets, setting them on the exam table.
“Thank you.”
“And we’ll go ahead and schedule your first ultrasound. Those appointments fill up fast, but we can always cancel if need be.”
I nod.
“Is the father in the picture?”
“I-I don’t know,” I admit.
Ialmosttold Kit. He was staring at me this morning, confident andconcerned, when I told him about this appointment, and I almost blurted it out. In that moment, it felt like telling him would be a relief. I wouldn’t be alone in this any longer.
But I couldn’t get the words out.
I wasn’tpositiveI was pregnant yet, and I wasn’t sure what I’d do if I was. It’s not as if Kit is a guy I can easily never see again. Setting aside the work situation, he’s Lili’s brother. Unless I end my friendship with her and leave New York, there will always be a chance our paths will cross. What if I tell him, decide not to keep it, but he wants me to? What if I tell him, decide to keep it, and he thinks I shouldn’t?
This is a big—maybe thebiggest—decision you can make with someone. And that someone is usually a spouse or some sort of significant other.
I like Kit. I’m starting to respect him. But telling him this will be a lot more vulnerable than him seeing me naked. A risk, and I’m someone who prefers to play it safe.
And setting aside the emotional aspect, he’s a Kensington. After living with Lili for a year and working at Kensington Consolidated for several weeks, I have a strong sense of what that means. They’re widely considered to be the most important, prestigious family in the country. Unfortunate circumstances—like an accidental pregnancy—don’t happen to people like that. If they do, they’re dealt with.
Dr. Bailey is waiting patiently. I’m sure she has other patients to visit, but she’s not projecting any sense of urgency. There’s no judgment on herface.
I didn’t want to discuss my options because I’d already decided.
I think it’s why I’ve been panicking so much—because the hard part isn’t over. The hard part is the next eight months to eighteen years.
I swallow hard. “How soon can you do a paternity test?”
17
I’m halfway down the hallway when I hear my name being called.
I glance back to see Levi striding toward me with a wide smile on his face. “They’re in.”
I grin back. “Great. The whole team’s on board?”
“And Glenn is striding around like a peacock,” Levi tells me.
I chuckle at the apt description. “He should save some smugness for after papers have been signed.”
But I agree Beauté agreeing to this dinner is a good sign. Iknow they’ve met with other companies. If they’re willing to go to dinner with us, we’re still in the running, if not their top choice, for a deal.
And Glenn made a good call, suggesting we push for another meeting before the end of the week.
Levi and I confirm the details, and then I resume walking toward my office.
Collins isn’t at her desk, but she hasn’t left yet. The small suitcase she wheeled into work this morning is tucked behind her desk. She’s headed home to New Haven this weekend for her sister’s birthday.
I continue into my office and catch up on as many emails as possible before I have to leave.
At five fifteen, there’s a knock on my door.