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“What took you so long?” Hannah exclaimed when we got back to our seats.

“Sorry,” I began.

But Remy, sullen, snapped, “Apparently, Dad’s got a girlfriend.”

Hannah lit up. “Really, Dad? You’re actually seeing her?”

I smiled, a hard line that didn’t match my eyes. “Let’s just eat, okay?” I said.

I stabbed my food with my fork. At least I couldn’t mess up eating meatballs.

17

Michelle

Ijumped at the sound of the kitchen window rattling violently in its frame.

Calm down, Michelle.

It was just a storm. Thank god school was out for winter break and that I’d gotten my shopping done early with Reese yesterday. It was only a few days before Christmas, and if we got snowed in tomorrow, the only question was whether Mom and Dad could make it here for Christmas. They were supposed to arrive tomorrow, but Christmas wasn’t for a few more days. Surely the roads would be clear by then?

I walked around my house flicking all the lights off. Outside, wind howled through the trees in the yard. When I peeked out the back door I could see their naked limbs—barely, it was so dark—waving in the gale. Tiny flakes whirled around like stars, landing silently on the glass of the back door and melting.

Shivering, I shut the curtain, checking and rechecking the deadbolt. I don’t know why I did that. Maybe it was instinctive because I was on my own with the girls. More likely it was just habit. I’d spent my whole life in and around New York City until Joe passed. Jewel Lakes was probably the safest place I’d ever lived, and yet here I was, jumping at every little creak and whine of the wind.

I had only a couple of gifts left to wrap, but I didn’t have the stomach for doing that now. Guiltily, I’d blown what little I had left of the month’s budget on them knowing my parents would insist on paying for all the Christmas groceries, and that I’d fight, but eventually give in. Their budget with their pensions was tight, but not as tight as mine.

I also spent the money knowing I was giving up on the blog. I’d given it my all—I knew I had when I’d stooped to asking Will to help. I was going to move back to the city so I could leave the girls with my parents while I got a restaurant job, if anyone would still have me—it had been a decade since I’d worked in a kitchen.

The idea of leaving Jewel Lakes broke my heart. I loved it here. The girls had settled into school, and I even had my big sister. But it didn’t make sense to stay. Not when my parents wanted to stay where they were. And not when everything here reminded me of Will.

I grabbed my phone and headed toward the bedroom, glancing at it in the dark. There was nothing there. Not from the blog, and certainly not from Will.

Not that I’d reached out to him. We hadn’t spoken since that night. After I’d run out on him and put the girls to bed, I’d come out to find my kitchen completely cleaned—even after all of that, Will, and presumably Remy, had still done that last, over-the-top, thoughtful thing. I’d sent him and Remy a text together, thanking them for coming and for the kitchen. For everything.

Somehow, that was the worst part, knowing he’d done that even after I’d insulted him with my stupid, nonsensical plan.

Humiliation ran through me, still hot two weeks later.

When I’d told Reese, she’d felt terrible. “This was my idea!”

“It’s not your fault,” I’d assured her. It wasn’t—I knew he wouldn’t go for it. I’d known the minute he walked in that door and looked at me that way. And I’d done it anyway.

I climbed into bed, my bedroom window rattling in the wind. We were gearing up for a blizzard. I thought that would be sufficient to occupy my mind, but the moment I lay back on the pillow, the whole night came rushing back to me, just like it had every night since. Will rushing to our rescue. The girls having the time of their lives hanging out with Remy.

Will and I entwined against the kitchen wall.

I had felt like I might combust with the heat coming off of us. Even now it swirled in my abdomen as I remembered his hand in my hair and on my breast.

If I forgot about all the rest, I could live in that kiss we’d shared forever. I could dream about how it might have gone if we were on our own. If there were no kids, no blog, no dead husband. If we were different people in a different lifetime.

Maybe we would have made love right there on the kitchen floor.

God knows I’d wanted to. At that moment, it was the thing I wanted most in the world. But that wasn’t us. We had our messy, complicated lives.

It’s almost like you were trying to sabotage the whole thing,Joe said in the dark.

That thought was too big to even comprehend. I flopped back on my pillow. A week ago I might have extrapolated on what had happened with Will in my mind, playing it out while I slipped my hand between my legs.