Page 8 of 12 Years: My Messed-up Love Story
‘And?’
‘She doesn’t want to. She said, “What do you know about all this?” Plus, “Parimal’s mother will feel bad.”’
‘Payal, seriously.’
‘I’ll put a stop to all this,’
she said in a firm voice.
‘How?’
‘You were right.’
‘What?’
‘We have to tell them about us.’
‘What do you think their reaction will be?’
‘Chernobyl. Hiroshima. Nagasaki.’
‘Huh?’
‘Nuclear explosions. What else? However, it’ll at least put an end to this Parimal nonsense.’
‘Will it?’
‘Yes, I’ll tell them we’re dating. I’m assuming they’ll want to meet you. And once they meet you, they’ll like you.’
‘Big, big assumptions.’
‘I’m optimistic. You’re an IIT graduate. Parimal isn’t.’
‘Is that how these things are decided?’
‘In my parents’
eyes, yes.’
‘What else?’
‘You were working abroad. Even built your own company. You can also run a business.’
‘I’ll have to make cables?’
‘Baby, men have fought wars for their women. You can’t even make some cables to get the girl of your dreams?’
‘But I do comedy—’
Payal interrupted me.
‘I’ll say that comedy is a hobby for you. You took a break after selling your business and working in the US for a few years.’
‘It’s not a hobby, Payal. It’s who I am now. A stand-up comic.’
‘Please, it’s for them. Just for now.’
‘And then what? I’m supposed to go to the factory in Thane and check accounts and extrude cables?’
‘Listen, my dad runs the business just fine. In his head, he eventually wants a male heir, and his own son can’t be one.’
‘Male, eh?’
‘Yes. That’s how he is. His daughter may buy and sell big companies at Blackwater, but he doesn’t think I can manage a two-acre plant.’
‘I can’t though. And this heir thing? So this means we’re expected to get married?’
‘Not immediately. I’ll say we’re in no hurry. I know your marriage phobia, relax.’
‘It’s not that …’
‘It’s okay. I can wait, or even do without it. As long as you and I are together.’
I looked into those beautiful eyes, so full of love and courage.
‘I love you so much, Payal. I’ll do anything for you.’
‘Will you? Just one little thing?’
‘Yes.’
‘Cool, colour your hair.’
‘What?’
I said, shocked.
‘Those grey sideburns. I love them and I find them hot. Not my parents though.’
‘I should colour my hair black?’
‘Yeah, I think it’s a dark brown though. L’Oréal colour number two.’
‘What?’
‘Nothing, just go to the salon. They’ll match it with the rest of your hair.’
‘You’ll tell your parents my age, right?’
‘I’ll keep it vague. You’re fit. And with dark hair, they’ll think you’re in your late twenties.’
‘I’m thirty-four.’
‘I know, sweetie.’
‘I feel objectified.’
‘Do you?’
she asked, tugging at my T-shirt.
‘Wear a nice formal shirt too. None of these extra-tight, hot T-shirts that your arms pop out of.’
‘Fine. You’ll tell them about my divorce?’
‘Not right now. Why give them more than they can handle at one time?’
‘So you’ll lie about my age and previous marriage? And when they eventually find out, what then?’
‘I won’t be lying. I just won’t be revealing a few things yet.’
‘Fine.’
I thought about what else could go wrong.
‘They’ll know I’m Punjabi, right?’
‘That, yes, they will. But it can be handled. Will you be okay pretending to be vegetarian?’
‘What?’
‘In front of them.’
‘That will be a lie.’
‘A small one. This much lying is allowed for the sake of love.’
‘Fine, fine. When are we doing this?’
‘Well, first, I have to unblock my mother.’
‘Please do, Payal. She’s your mom.’
‘Fine,’
Payal said reluctantly. She opened her phone and unblocked her mother’s number.
‘Good,’
I said.
‘Talk to your parents, and tell me what they say. Then we can plan things accordingly.’
I went to the kitchen to heat up dinner.
‘I won’t just tell you. I’ll make you listen in,’ she said.
‘What?’
I said, arranging all the dinner items on a tray.
‘Yes, I’m going to keep you on call while I have this conversation.’
‘How?’
‘I’ll ring you just before I go and I’ll keep the phone in my handbag, which I’ll keep next to me.’
‘What will that achieve?’
‘You’ll know exactly what transpires. And what I’m dealing with. That way, you can’t accuse me of not trying my best.’
‘I’ll never accuse you of that.’
‘Still, I want you to listen. It’ll help us plan the next step.’
‘You sure you won’t get caught?’
‘No. Just put yourself on mute. Don’t worry.’
‘Hi,’
I said as I picked up Payal’s call.
‘So, am at my parents’
place. I’m going to talk to them. Where are you?’
‘I’m at Starbucks, in Khar.’
‘So late? It’s 10 p.m.’
‘What to do alone at home? It feels lonely without you.’
‘Aww. I can’t come tonight. I told my family that I need to talk to them post-dinner. It’s a formal, scheduled meeting.’
‘What did they say?’
‘They seem worried. They asked what happened. Now I’ll tell them.’
‘Cool. All the best.’
‘Thanks. Okay, quiet. I mean mute. Just listen. Going now.’
I heard her place the phone in her handbag. I could hear distant but clear voices as Payal entered a room.
‘What on earth has happened? Why did you want to talk to us like this?’
I heard a female voice. That would be Payal’s mother, Yashodha Jain, I figured.
‘Nothing, Mom. It’s something I’ve wanted to talk about for a long time.’
‘You lost your job?’
a young male voice said, laughing. Vansh, her brother.
‘No, I didn’t,’
Payal said.
‘And before you comment on my job, tell me, do you even have a job?’
‘I’m doing lots of things, sister,’
Vansh said.
‘Like what? Playing video games? Doing vodka shots in the afternoon with your loser friends?’
‘Get lost,’
Vansh said.
‘You don’t even have friends.’
‘Stop it, you two,’
I heard a firm adult male voice. Anand Jain, the father.
‘Payal beta, what is it?’ he said.
‘It’s nothing to worry about,’
Payal said.
‘Then?’
Yashodha said.
‘This Parimal thing …’
‘You’ve already fought enough with me on this,’
Yashodha said.
‘You don’t even understand these things, Payal.’
‘What fight?’
Anand said.
‘She wants to return the bangles they sent.’
‘Why?’
Anand said.
‘They sent it out of love. They treat you like their own daughter.’
‘But I’m not their daughter.’
‘You will be. Their daughter-in-law,’
Anand said in a definitive voice.
Maybe I was the one who needed to worry here.
‘I’m twenty-two, Dad. Too young to be someone’s bahu.’
‘How old is Akanksha? Same age as you no? She’s been married two years already,’
Anand said.
‘Yes, exactly,’
Yashodha said in an excited voice.
‘Akanksha looks so happy. Did you see her Diwali photos on Facebook? She looks radiant in that onion-coloured zari lehenga.’
‘I’m not Akanksha, Mom. I’m not into onion-coloured zari lehengas. I work at Blackwater. I’m not aspiring to be a stupid housewife,’
Payal said in a loud, irritated voice.
‘Your own mother is a stupid housewife,’
Yashodha said.
‘I’m sorry,’
Payal said.
‘I didn’t mean it like that, Mom.’
‘Black your company name, black your tongue. Is this how you talk to your mother?’
Yashodha said.
I let out a sigh as I took a sip of my black coffee and continued to listen in.
‘I don’t think I’m needed here,’
Vansh said.
‘No, stay. I’m coming to what I really wanted to say,’
Payal said.
‘What?’
Vansh said.
‘Say it fast, sis.’
‘I met someone,’
Payal said.
‘Met someone?’
Yashodha said.
‘What do you mean?’
‘A person. Someone I like,’
Payal said.
‘Who?’
Anand said in a suspicious voice.
‘A boy. There’s a man in my life. I like him.’
‘What?’
Yashodha screamed as if Payal had confessed to being a Pakistani spy.
‘What man? Who is he?’
Anand said.
‘Sis, you have a boyfriend? Well done. Smashed him already?’
‘Shut up, Vansh,’
Payal said.
‘Calm down, sis. I love this. For a change, I’m not the one disappointing our parents.’
‘Maybe you should leave, Vansh. Get out,’
Payal said.
‘Nah, now I want to stay and watch. Maybe get some popcorn too. My sister isn’t a little girl anymore. Mom, what are you going to do?’
Vansh chuckled.
‘Oh my God. What is happening?’
Yashodha said.
‘That’s why I told you, ji, girls should get married soon.’
‘When have I disagreed?’
Anand said.
‘God has already sent us the perfect son-in-law in Parimal. You’re the one who’s not making any progress.’
‘Mom! Dad! Listen to me,’
Payal said in an exasperated voice.
‘I can’t marry Parimal. Or anyone else other than Saket. Okay?’
‘Saket?’
Anand said.
‘Now who’s Saket?’
‘I told you. I have a man in my life—Saket.’
‘Saket what? What’s his surname?’
‘Saket graduated from IIT Bombay,’
Payal said, hoping my degree would rescue the situation.
‘What’s his surname, Payal?’
Anand said. All Indian parents care about religion, community and caste first, the CV later.
‘He built his own tech company and sold it in the US. Then he worked at Yellowstone, another top private equity firm.’
‘US? Where did you meet him?’
Yashodha sounded like she was in pain, as if someone had died in the family. Or their cable factory had burnt down.
‘He lives in Mumbai now.’
‘What’s his last name? This is the third time I’m asking,’
Anand said impatiently.
‘Saket Khurana. Yes, he’s Punjabi. But he’s a really decent guy. Mostly vegetarian too,’
Payal said.
‘Mostly?’
Yashodha said.
‘He’s vegetarian,’
Payal said quickly.
Okay, lie number one delivered.
‘He’s not Jain?’
Anand said in a puzzled tone, as if Payal was not dating a human but a being from another species altogether, like a chimpanzee or a red-tailed monkey.
‘No, but he’s a good person. And since you asked, I first met him at a comedy club.’
‘Yo, sis, you go to clubs? Since when?’
‘Comedy club.’
‘What is a comedy club?’
Yashodha said.
‘Like Comedy Circus on TV?’
‘Not really, but yes, something like that. Mom, that’s not important. What’s important is that I like him, and he likes me.’
‘Since when have you known him?’
Anand said.
‘Almost a year now,’
Payal said.
‘And you never told us anything?’
Yashodha said.
‘Is there an environment in this house which allows us to freely share things?’
Payal said.
‘Why? What’s wrong with the environment here?’
‘Leave it, Mom,’
Payal said.
‘I’m telling you about it now. And you can meet him as well.’
‘I’m not meeting anyone,’
Yashodha said.
‘First, you do wrong things and then …’
‘What wrong things have I done, Mom? I topped school. Went to Stanford. Work at a good job. What’s so wrong about this thing that I’ve done? I can’t like someone?’
‘You can’t just marry anyone you want to,’
Yashodha said.
‘Listen, ji,’
she continued, addressing her husband.
‘you also tell her. Why do I have to be the bad one?’
‘This is not good, beta. We can’t approve of this,’
Anand said.
‘I shouldn’t need approval from anyone. It’s my life,’
Payal said.
‘Look at her,’
Yashodha said.
‘Send girls abroad more, and this is what happens. All that Stanford-Stanford drama she did, and you melted. Mumbai doesn’t have colleges or what? There’s KC College, there’s Jai Hind College. So many of them in the city …’
‘Dad,’
Payal said.
‘he’s a really nice guy. He’s great at business too, by the way. In case that’s important.’
‘Why would that be important?’
Anand said.
‘As if I don’t know … You like Parimal because he can take over the family business.’
‘Ha ha. What about me, sis? I’ll be the CEO,’
Vansh said.
‘Yeah, Dad, go ahead and make him CEO,’
Payal said.
‘How many months to bankruptcy, you think?’
‘You’re so mean, sis.’
‘I … I don’t know what to say,’
Anand said.
‘A Punjabi guy. Someone you hid for a year. I’m shocked. It’s all wrong, beta.’
‘Meet him once, Dad. Please, with an open mind.’
‘We’re not—’
Yashodha said, but Payal interrupted her.
‘Mom, please, I beg you. Just meet him. Think of him as my friend. Okay?’
I felt bad about Payal having to beg like this. She was fighting for me. For us. And it made me fall in love with her even more.
‘Male friend?’
Yashodha said.
‘Meet him as a human being,’
Payal said.
‘Only once? Please?’
‘What do you think, ji?’
‘I can meet anyone, beta. But don’t expect me to say yes. Also, you know Jignesh’s family are our old friends. We can’t just say no to them.’
‘For now, one meeting,’
Payal said.
‘That’s all I wanted to ask you tonight.’
‘I’m going to bed,’
Anand said.
‘And I’m going to play Fortnite,’
Vansh said.
‘Good night, Dad,’
Payal said.
‘Bye, Vansh.’
I heard footsteps as Anand and Vansh left the room.
‘Are you close to him?’
Yashodha said, now alone with her daughter.
‘Yes,’
Payal said.
‘How close?’
I guess she wanted to know if we’d had sex.
‘Not close in that way,’
Payal said. Okay, lie number two delivered.
‘Are you sure?’
‘Yeah, Mom.’
‘What all has happened?’
‘We’ve hugged,’
Payal said.
Seriously, Payal? How can you lie with such a straight face?
‘That’s all?’
Yashodha said sternly.
‘We’ve kissed,’
Payal said.
‘Kissed?’
Yashodha said, her voice tense and upset at the same time.
‘Once, barely. Just once. Accidentally,’
Payal said, back-pedalling immediately.
Ladies and gentlemen, the award for accidental kisser and best fibber of the year goes to—drum roll—Payal Jain!
‘It looks beautiful!’
Payal said on a video call with me.
I sat in the outdoor section of the coffee shop at the Leela, Goa. The beach was right in front of me.
‘I’m in Goa, baby,’
I said.
‘I could move here.’
‘Please do. I’ll come along,’
Payal said.
‘Anyway, when are you coming back?’
‘In another week. I leave Goa after my show today and fly to Kochi. Then I go to Jaipur, then Siliguri and, finally, back to Mumbai.’
‘Okay, what date is your return flight?’
‘Let me check … I land back in Mumbai on 11 November.’
‘Oh, that’s a Sunday. Let’s meet my parents that day.’
‘Really? That day itself?’
‘Yes, I don’t want to delay things. I’ll tell them you’ll come home for half an hour. We’ll keep it casual, just a cup of tea.’
‘What if they poison my tea?’
‘No, they won’t do that.’
‘You sure?’
‘We’re Jains. We don’t believe in killing life. We don’t even kill insects or pests.’
‘Reassuring,’ I said.
‘Okay, one more time. Let’s discuss the plan for tomorrow,’
Payal said.
‘We’ve discussed it a million times already,’
I said as I packed my bags in my Siliguri hotel room. All the Reliable Polymers shows were done, and I was finally going back to Mumbai the next morning.
‘Just once more. You land at 11 a.m., right? Then you come straight to my home in Ghatkopar? Or will you go to Bandra, keep your stuff, get ready and then come?’
‘I thought we agreed that I’d go to Bandra first? You want me to come straight to your house?’
‘Maybe. I just thought you could come directly,’
Payal said in a playful voice.
‘Why? I’ll reach your place a little after noon then. You told me your parents won’t even be back home until 1.30 p.m. What’s that temple with the long name you said they go to on Sundays?’
‘Babu Amichand Panalal Adishwarji Jain Temple in Walkeshwar. And yes, they’ll only be home after 1.30 p.m.’
‘Okay, so then why should I come to your place earlier?’
I said, zipping up my suitcase.
‘Are you dumb? “Why should I come earlier?” Seriously, bro. Does a girl have to spell it out for you?’
It took me a few seconds to figure out what Payal was talking about. ‘Oh,’
I said.
‘Oh, okay. I get it now.’
‘You do? Or should I send you an email explaining it in detail?’
I laughed.
‘Baby, but how? At your parents’ house?’
‘I have my own room. And I’ll be home alone. Vansh is in Bangkok with his friends, partying as usual.’
‘What about the house help?’
‘On Sundays, the help gets a day off.’
‘Aha,’
I said.
‘Now you’re talking. Oh, I’ve missed that. So much …’
‘That’s all that you’ve missed, I know.’
‘Hey, that’s not true. You only—’
‘I’m kidding,’
Payal interrupted me.
‘I’ve also missed my man for ten days.’
‘Won’t it be weird if your parents find me in the house when they arrive? Just with you?’
‘I thought of that too—you spend an hour with me, then leave. Have a coffee somewhere in Ghatkopar, and come back after 1.30 p.m. Sounds doable?’
‘Absolutely doable. Wow, great thinking, Payal. Can’t wait to see you tomorrow.’
‘Same here,’
Payal said before ending the call.
How had I lucked out so much? How did I find a girl as amazing as Payal?
I switched off the lights and hit the bed, hoping to fall asleep fast so that the morning came sooner.
‘Landed! And early. It’s only 10.35 a.m.!’
I messaged Payal as soon as the aircraft touched the ground at Mumbai airport.
‘Super! We get more time then. Come soon. I’m so nervous,’
Payal replied.
‘Why?’
‘In case you forgot, you’re going to meet my parents in less than four hours.’
‘Oh yes. I almost did forget that. Okay, baby, let me come over and calm your nerves down.’
The cab pulled into the driveway of a posh and swanky building called Riddhi-Siddhi Niwas. A guard stood at the barrier gate. He asked me for my ID and other details.
‘Whose house?’ he said.
‘Mr Jain,’ I said.
‘There are eight Jains in the building.’
‘Anand Jain, fifth floor,’ I said.
‘Purpose of visit?’
he said, typing on a touchscreen tablet.
‘To have tea,’ I said.
I couldn’t tell him it was to have sex with Mr Anand Jain’s daughter and then to talk to him about marrying her.
‘What?’
‘They invited me for tea.’
‘I’ll put “social visit”. It’s an option here. Thank you,’
the guard said. He finished typing in his tablet and pressed a button, making the boom barrier go up.
‘You wore a suit? Payal said, looking me up and down.
She’d answered the door before I even had a chance to ring the doorbell.
‘This is the same suit that I wore for the Reliable Polymers shows. It’s the only formal clothing I have.’
‘Thank you for making an effort to dress up. It’s sweet,’
Payal said.
She wore a cream-coloured salwar kameez with a red-and-yellow bandhini dupatta. Even in this simple outfit, she looked beautiful. What she wore didn’t matter. Payal would’ve looked beautiful wrapped up in an IRCTC bedsheet.
‘I have to impress the parents,’
I said.
‘May we hug? Is it safe?’
‘Yes, I’m alone at home.’
‘Gosh, I missed you,’
I said, as we embraced each other for one long minute. Holding Payal after ten days felt like coming home. Even though I was at her psycho parents’ home.
I looked around the living room. It was a giant space, the size of half a tennis court. The walls had framed pictures of various Jain saints and temples. There were brass and bronze statues of numerous gods as well. Was I dating a priest’s daughter?
‘What’s this gigantic house, Payal? How big is it?’
Payal laughed.
‘It’s not that big. Five thousand square feet, I think.’
‘My Bandra place is five hundred. You can fit ten of them in here.’
‘That’s Pali Hill, a more expensive neighbourhood.’
‘Still, this building is so posh. Hi-tech security and all. The guard outside was tapping away on a tablet as he took my details. The only thing my building guard taps on is his gutka.’
Payal giggled. I leaned forward and kissed her. It felt weird to kiss her in her parents’
living room, surrounded by all the images of gods and temples. It felt like the gods were watching us, and cursing me to hell. I suddenly became aware of a sound, a repeating chant rather.
‘What’s that sound?’
Payal pointed to a small device plugged into a socket near the door. It was playing the ‘Om, Om’
sound on a loop.
‘Come, sit,’
Payal said, waving towards a huge sofa set, which had a truckload of foam stuffed into it.
Payal and I sat facing each other, at least ten feet apart.
‘Nervous?’
Payal said.
‘About meeting your parents? Yes,’ I said.
‘Just be yourself. And remember, we’re just friends. Be cordial and matter-of-fact. More than anything, stay calm.’
‘Yes. And I stay platonic too, right?’
‘Of course,’
Payal said.
‘Don’t even think about doing anything in front of them.’
‘What about doing something now. Before they come back?’
‘Patience, mister.’
‘Is there another room we can go to?’
I said.
‘You have your own room here, right?’
‘Someone’s in a hurry,’
Payal said and chuckled. She stood up and gestured for me to follow her to her bedroom.
‘Welcome to my room,’
she said, shutting the door behind us.
‘I haven’t really lived here since I left for Stanford. But still, this is my space.’
I looked around. The bed, covered with a pink bedcover, had a couple of stuffed toy animals kept on it. The walls had posters of Mariah Carey, Indra Nooyi and Kalpana Chawla. It still resembled the room of a school student, with a study table and a bookshelf filled with books on SAT preparation and US college-application guides. I also saw a framed picture of a naked old man sitting cross-legged.
‘Who’s this?’
‘He’s a revered Jain saint.’
‘And he’s wearing nothing because …’
‘Because he’s a Digambar Jain saint,’
Payal said.
‘No irreverent comments on this, okay? My family believes in him.’
‘I wouldn’t dare,’
I said, pretending to zip my mouth shut.
We sat on her bed.
‘I’m so happy you’re here. I have so many memories associated with this room,’
Payal said.
‘Want to make some more?’
I said, bringing my face closer to hers.
She pushed me back gently.
‘One-track mind,’
she said.
‘Here I am, feeling all sentimental about you seeing my childhood room. And all you want to do is make out.’
I laughed.
‘No, I would love to see your childhood photo album, actually.’
‘You would?’
Payal said in an excited voice.
‘Wait’—she stood up—‘let me take it out of the closet.’
I pulled her back by her hand and made her sit down again.
‘That was a joke,’
I said.
‘I can look at it later.’
‘I knew it. One-tracker.’
‘I’ve been away from you for too long.’
‘It was only ten days.’
‘That’s 240 hours. Or 14,400 minutes, and I don’t know so much math, but that’s a hell lot of seconds. I’m going a bit crazy,’
I said, pulling her closer.
‘I can see that, Mr Man-in-a-Suit.’
She brought her mouth to my ear. ‘Today,’
she whispered.
‘you look like a corporate boss. Make me your secretary.’
‘Payal, what are you saying?’
I said, laughing.
‘You and your role-plays!’
‘Shh. Not Payal. I’m Rosie. Your secretary. Did you like the work I did, sir?’
‘What work?’
‘Tell me you didn’t like the work I did. That you’re furious with me.’
‘What?’
‘Play along, boss,’
Payal whispered, and bit my ear.
I decided to play along. I went and sat on the study chair. I picked up a sheet of paper. ‘Rosie,’
I said in an irritated voice.
‘What’s this?’
Payal stood before me.
‘What happened, sir?’
she asked in a mock-innocent voice.
‘You don’t like what I did?’
‘No,’
I said, my voice angry.
‘There are so many spelling mistakes. You can’t even spell the company name right.’
‘I’m so sorry, sir.’
‘What will the client think? You’ve already emailed this to them?’
‘Yes, sir, I did,’
Payal said.
‘I’m so sorry, sir.’
‘This is horrible,’
I said, throwing the paper aside.
‘What can I do, sir?’
Payal moved closer to me.
‘I’m ready to be punished. Any way you want. Just don’t be angry with me, sir.’
‘Any way?’
I asked. ‘Any?’
Payal threw away her dupatta.
‘Any way you want, sir. I’ve been a really bad girl,’ she said.
Okay, I must admit that for some reason, Payal’s silly play-acting always really turned me on. I wanted to rip off her clothes. Thankfully, she undressed herself. I took off my clothes too.
I pushed Payal onto the pink bed, which creaked a little. I kissed her hard, biting her lip.
‘I’m sorry, sir,’
Payal said.
‘I’ll never do this again. Please, punish me.’
Then she turned around, her bare bottom arched towards me.
‘Spank me, sir.’
I lightly slapped her behind.
‘Harder,’ she said.
Even though I was the ‘boss’
in the scenario, I followed everything she said.
‘Have I been a bad girl?’
Payal said.
‘Yeah, you’re so bad,’
I said as red marks appeared on her bottom.
‘I’m so turned on, spank me harder,’
she said. I was super turned on too, and about to enter her from behind.
The bedroom door pushed open. Payal’s parents entered the room.
‘Mom!’
Payal turned her head and screamed, still naked and on all fours on her bed.
Initially, I didn’t realize what had happened.
I think I spanked Payal once even after her parents had entered the room.
It took me a few seconds to register reality and understand that I was in a really messed-up situation.
What am I supposed to say? Hello, Uncle.
Hello, Aunty. I would like to introduce myself. I’m Saket. I was just about to mount your daughter from behind, that too in your own house. Would you like me to be your son-in-law?
‘Payal!’
her mother screamed, her mouth and eyes wide open.
To the men reading this: Guys, I hope you never, ever find yourselves in such a situation.
However, just in case you do, let me tell you the first thing you should do.
I didn’t do this at that moment, but you should learn from my mistake.
Anyway, the first thing to do in such a scenario is to cover your penis.
I didn’t because I was too shocked to see the Jains, possibly my prospective in-laws, randomly appear in the room like that.
I froze, like a deer caught in a truck’s headlights.
Except that this deer was fully turned on.
It took me several extra seconds to realize that I needed to find something to cover my intimate parts with.
Meanwhile, in those several extra seconds, Payal’s mom, my mother-in-law-to-be, the pious Yashodha Jain, had a good look at my manhood.
As did her husband, the devout, returning-from-the-temple-with-the-long-name Mr Anand Jain.
Making things worse was my penis itself—it did not realize that the entire game had changed.
That we were no longer going to do the fun stuff we thought we were going to do.
Blissfully unaware, my junior remained hard, staring right back at our surprise visitors.
I tried to look for a cushion to cover my bits with.
I couldn’t find one.
However, I found a stuffed teddy bear.
I picked it up and placed it in front of my private parts.
It looked like I was trying to poke my stuff into a teddy bear, which, in a way, is even more wrong and perverted.
However, I had to cover my modesty.
Payal, meanwhile, had been smart enough to cover herself in the pink bedsheet in a nanosecond.
Payal’s parents stood there frozen, not saying a word after their initial screams and gasps.
I wondered what I should do.
Greet them? Shake their hand? Touch their feet? Do a namaste? I couldn’t do any of that right now.
My hands were busy holding the teddy bear to cover my dick.
‘We’ll come outside, Mom.
Please, give us some privacy,’
Payal said.
How could she speak in sensible sentences right now?
‘Come,’
Payal’s mother said, dragging her husband out, who was as perplexed and shocked as I was.
I finally turned to look at Payal after her parents left.
‘Damn, this is bad,’
she said, letting out a huge sigh.
‘Yeah? You think so?’
I said, still trying to come back to my senses.
‘But how the hell did this happen …’
Payal said, and checked the time on her phone.
‘It’s just 12.10 p.m. They were supposed to come home after 1.30 p.m.’
‘You tell me,’ I said.
‘I don’t know what happened,’
Payal said, getting up and wearing her clothes.
‘What do we do next?’
I said, my brain still numb.
‘Get dressed, what else? And Saket, what exactly are you doing with my teddy bear?’
‘I just told you, Mom, Dad. Saket is my boyfriend.’
We sat on the humungous sofas in Payal’s humungous living room. All the framed pictures and statues of all the gods in the room made me feel like I was in a religious morality court, on my way to getting condemned. Or maybe stoned to death. Or starved to death. Or fed Jain food to death.
‘Boyfriend?’
Payal’s mother said.
‘And what were you guys doing? Such an obscene thing.’
‘We love each other, Mom,’
Payal said.
The men in the room, that is, Payal’s father and I, hadn’t spoken at all. I think while men are obsessed with sex, when it comes to discussing it like this, they freeze up.
Om, om. The chanting machine continued to produce its sounds, making the awkward silence even more awkward.
‘You said nothing had happened. Only hugs,’
Yashodha said.
‘I lied to you. Sorry.’
‘You lied? And that’s all you’re sorry about?’
Yashodha turned to her husband.
‘Are you going to say anything at all?’
Payal’s father cleared his throat to speak.
‘I don’t have to say anything. I’ve already messaged who I had to.’
‘Who?’
Yashodha said.
‘My friend Patil. Senior police inspector at the Ghatkopar police station. He’s sending some men.’
I felt the earth move under me.
Om, om.
‘Police,’
Payal said, throwing up her hands in exasperation.
‘What? Why would you call the police?’
‘Who the hell does he think he is?’
Anand shouted. He turned to me and spoke in a menacing tone.
‘Whoever you are, I’ll make sure you rot in jail.’
Jail? Dude, what the hell was going on? I was supposed to have tea, talk and then leave. Serve me tea, dhokla and khandvi. Not cops. Okay, I had to speak now.
‘Hello, Uncle, I’m Saket,’
I said, standing up. I turned to Payal’s mother.
‘Hello, Aunty, nice to meet you.’
‘You sit,’
Anand shouted.
‘Just sit in your place until Patil’s men arrive. Good thing we got an SMS notification from the guardhouse. We turned around and came back. Didn’t even go to the temple today.’
That explained it. It was the damn tablet with the guard. Fuck the security systems of these modern buildings, I tell you.
‘Uncle, but …’
I said, wondering if I should make a dash for the exit while I still could.
‘Sit,’
he said in a firm voice.
‘Sit down, Saket,’
Payal said calmly.
I sank back into the sofa, which looked like it could swallow small children. Considering how messed up the situation was, it was ironic how comfortable the seating they had provided me was.
Payal broke down in tears.
‘This is why I never share anything with you guys. Because you won’t listen, and will overreact. Can’t we just talk?’
she said, wiping her tears.
I wanted to get up and give her a hug. However, I wasn’t sure if Anand had a Ghatkopar-friendly gun he could shoot me with.
‘Uncle, please,’
I said.
‘She’s crying. Please, just listen to us. For five minutes. And can we please turn off this Om-Om machine for a while?’
‘Why?’
Anand shouted.
‘It creates good vibrations in my house. Unlike you, who’s brought in all the bad vibrations.’
‘It’s just distracting. Fine, we can leave it on.’
Om … Om…
‘I’ve never been more humiliated in my life,’
Anand said.
Dude, that line applied to me.
‘I understand, Uncle,’
I said.
‘I’m sorry. Payal and I met after a long time. We got carried away.’
‘That’s not getting carried away. That’s depravity,’
Anand said.
‘It’s not what you think,’ I said.
‘We don’t have to think. We saw how you’re using and exploiting our daughter,’
Yashodha said.
‘He’s not!’
Payal screamed.
‘Look at her, she’s a kid,’
Payal’s mother continued.
‘How old are you?’
Damn, did she have to ask me this now? And what was I supposed to do? Lie and say twenty-eight? No, lying, on top of getting caught like this, would be a terrible idea. I chose to remain quiet instead.
‘Answer her. How old are you?’
Anand said.
‘I’m thirty-four,’ I said.
‘What? Did you say thirty-four?’
‘Yes, Uncle,’
I said, my head lowered as if I’d admitted to something shameful. I wanted to add that I had fifteen per cent body fat and could bench 150 kilos. I don’t think he’d care.
‘She’s twenty-two,’
Anand said.
‘Do you realize that?’
‘I do, Uncle. But—’
‘But what?’
Anand said in a stern voice.
‘Is this what you do? Trap young girls and use them?’
‘No, Uncle. Not at all. I love your daughter. Too much. I’ve never loved anyone in my life as much as I love her,’ I said.
From the corner of my eyes, I saw Payal secretly make a heart symbol by bringing her hands together and making the tips of her fingers touch.
‘I love you,’
she mouthed silently.
I don’t know why, but I broke down in tears.
How did this even happen? This was supposed to be the meeting where I impressed her parents.
I had wanted to knock their socks off.
Instead, they’d caught me wearing nothing but socks. I kicked myself for making this stupid, impulsive plan to sneak into Payal’s house earlier.
‘You don’t love her. This is pure lust,’
Anand said.
‘He does,’
Payal said, in tears herself.
Payal’s mother gave her a tissue and held her hand.
‘No, beta, don’t cry,’
she said.
‘Young age is like that. We all make mistakes. That’s why we get our children married at an early age.’
‘It’s not a mistake, Aunty,’
I said.
‘We’ve been in a relationship for a long time now.’
‘How long?’
Anand said.
‘Almost a year,’
I said.
‘I’m self-sufficient and well-qualified. I’m from a good family. I can take care of your daughter well. This is not what you think. We were stupid today, yes. But this is not all there is to us.’
‘What family? Where are you from?’
Payal’s mother said.
‘My parents live in Chandigarh,’ I said.
‘And they didn’t get you married?’
Yashodha said.
‘Why aren’t you married till now?’
Payal and I looked at each other. I decided I couldn’t lie anymore.
‘I was married,’ I said.
Payal’s parents gasped.
‘Meaning?’
Payal’s mother said.
‘I’m divorced now. We separated four years ago.’
Payal’s mother rolled her eyes at her husband, cueing him to react with appropriate disgust and anger.
‘Divorcee? You’re a divorcee,’
Anand said, as if I’d carried an infectious disease into their house. He stood up and began pacing around the living room. Like all Indian husbands, he decided the best response was to blame his wife.
‘Yashodha, this is all because of you. You’ve not been able to give good values to our children,’
Anand said.
‘And you? The one who said, “My daughter is so bright, she will go to Sheperd”?’
‘Stanford,’
Payal said.
‘Whatever. Stanford. Send her to those white colleges in white countries. She’ll come back with corrupted morals, isn’t it?’
‘But I’m the one who’s saying speed up the process with Parimal. Imagine if Jignesh and Supriya find out.’
‘Oh my God, no.’
Yashodha looked horrified.
‘We can’t let that happen. Get rid of him. Payal, get rid of this fellow and never mention any of this to anyone.’
‘Mom, I can’t just—’
Payal said but her father interrupted her.
‘He’ll be thrown into jail, I’ll make sure of it.’
‘A police case will make this come out in the open. People will talk about it. Please, Anandji, no police. Let’s just deal with it here,’
Yashodha said.
Anand thought about things for a few seconds. Thankfully, his wife’s suggestion saved me some Ghatkopar Jail time.
‘You, I’m talking to you,’
Anand said, wagging a finger at me.
‘I’m giving you one last chance. Get out of Payal’s life and our life and this house. Now and forever.’
‘Uncle, but—’
‘I’m forty-five, you’re thirty-four. What are you calling me uncle for?’
Anand said.
Because you look like an uncle with your pot belly.
‘Okay, I’m sorry, Mr Jain, but—’
He interrupted me again.
‘My age difference with you is less than your age difference with Payal. In that case, Payal should also call you uncle, isn’t it?’
I figured his question was rhetorical. I remained silent.
He continued.
‘For the sake of my family name, and because Payal has a good rishta, we’re letting you go. Else, you would be in jail.’
‘In jail for what, Unc … I mean, Mr Jain?’
‘What do you mean?’
‘What have I done wrong? Is it wrong for two consenting adults to have a relationship?’ I said.
‘This is entrapment,’
he said.