Page 23 of 12 Years: My Messed-up Love Story

‘White wine,’

she said.

‘You remember.’

I smiled. We sat in silence for a while.

‘Looking forward to going back to Mumbai?’ I said.

‘Mentally prepared to go back would be the right term,’

she said.

‘I knew the day was coming. I enjoyed my time in Dubai …’

‘I liked spending time with you, whatever little time we did,’ I said.

‘Yes, same here,’

she said.

‘And I’m glad we’re spending my last evening here together.’

‘I don’t know when I’ll see you next,’ I said.

‘You’ll be coming to Mumbai, right? For the deal-closing dinner?’

‘Oh gosh, yes. I don’t know how I got pulled into that,’ I said.

‘Come on, it’ll be fun. Mudit’s idea of doing it at the Crayon Club is great. Otherwise, Blackwater events are either at the Oberoi or the Taj. Luxurious and perfect, but boring.’

I laughed.

‘You’ll do a small stand-up set, right?’

Payal said, pouring herself another glass of wine. I’d barely had two sips of mine.

‘No, no,’

I said, waving my hand.

‘I can’t do that. I haven’t performed on stage in years. And you know it doesn’t work like that. One must prepare.’

‘So, prepare. You have almost a month to write and practise.’

‘I don’t know if I’ll be able to.’

‘Of course, you will.’

I shook my head.

‘It’ll be such a blast, Saket. Imagine, a unicorn founder who doesn’t take himself so seriously. Does a stand-up set at his deal-closing dinner. It’ll become the talk of the town. It’ll go viral.’

I smiled.

‘I don’t know, Payal. I could also end up making a total ass of myself.’

‘No, you won’t. Plus, that’s what’s special about you. You don’t take yourself so seriously. You take risks. And when you focus on something, you just go get it.’

I realized why I had fallen so hard for this girl. When she spoke like this, it cast a kind of magic on me. Tania, Paulina and a dozen other Ukrainian models with their perfect bodies couldn’t cast an inch of that magic spell. Payal didn’t look like those girls. She had a wrinkle or two at the corners of her eyes now. A few strands of grey hair too. Her face was fuller, and her body was slightly less slim than before. And yet, when she spoke like this, she did something to me that could only be described in one word—magic.

‘Are you even listening to me, Mr Saket Khurana?’

Payal snapped her fingers in front of my face.

‘Sorry, what?’

‘I said you should totally do a set at the dinner. Not just that, you should also get back to doing stand-up more regularly,’ she said.

‘Get back to stand-up?’

I smirked.

‘No way. That was the old me. That’s all gone.’

‘Didn’t you just say that you’re still the same person?’

she said. Our eyes locked.

‘Just because I’m drinking doesn’t mean I’m not listening,’

Payal said and poured herself a third glass of wine.

What’s happening to this girl tonight?

‘Why would I go back to comedy?’ I said.

‘Well, I saw you when you were doing comedy. How absorbed you were while writing your set. How in the moment you were when you got on stage. How exhilarated you felt when you killed it with the audience. You do important work now, I know. But back then you just seemed … more alive.’

‘I was younger. And carefree … unaware of the realities of life.’

‘Well, maybe it’s better to remain unaware then,’

Payal said, the wine giving her extra courage to speak her mind.

‘And anyway, what do you have to worry about now? I know how much money you got paid. A gazillion billion dollars.’

‘Not that much, but, yes, a lot,’ I said.

‘Then? What’s stopping you now? You need to bring that passionate Saket back.’

I looked at her and sighed.

‘Let me check if the food’s ready,’

I said and stood up.

‘There we go again. Practical Saket again, deflecting topics at important moments,’

Payal said, slamming her glass on the table.

‘First of all, no more wine for you,’

I said.

‘And second, let me come right back from the kitchen.’

I went back into the house. Shanti didi had finished preparing the dinner.

‘Please serve it to us in the garden,’

I told her.

When I went back to the garden, Payal smiled at me a little sheepishly. She picked up the wine bottle and waved it.

‘You were right. There is literally no more wine for Payal.’

‘Payal,’

I said, taking the empty wine bottle from her.

‘What did you do? Do you realize you drank almost the whole bottle?’

‘Did I? Weren’t we sharing?’

she said, slurring.

I shook my head.

Shanti didi came out with the food at that moment. She’d arranged everything on a large tray, and she left it on the rattan table.

‘Let’s eat,’

I said to Payal.

‘No,’

she said.

‘Can you get me some more wine first?’

‘Absolutely not,’

I said.

‘Come, eat.’

I took a spoonful of the dal chawal and held it close to her mouth. She leaned forward and ate the food.

‘Now eat the rest of your food yourself,’ I said.

‘No.’

‘Are you drunk?’

‘Not drunk-drunk. Just happy high.’

‘So, you can eat the dal chawal yourself. Here, have it,’

I said, handing her the plate and picking up my own dinner.

We finished our meal in a few minutes, and Shanti didi came back to clear the table. The food helped Payal sober up somewhat.

‘Thank you, that was the most wonderful dinner,’

she said, coming and sitting next to me.

‘It was just dal chawal,’ I said.

‘I loved it. I had homemade food after such a long time,’

she said. Then she gently held my arm and rested her head on my shoulder.

‘Is this okay?’

she whispered.

I nodded, even though I was unsure.

‘Do you want me to show you the rest of my house?’ I said.

‘Oh, sure,’

Payal said.

We walked back into the house and took the stairs to the floor above. I showed her the rooms one by one.

‘You live in such a huge house all by yourself,’

she said.

‘Doesn’t it ever get lonely?’

‘It’s okay. I’m used to it.’

‘Does Tania stay over sometimes?’ she said.

I looked at her, surprised by her mention of Tania.

‘Sometimes. Mostly not though,’

I said.

‘I prefer it that way.’

‘How are things with her? Where is she tonight?’

‘We haven’t really been in touch for the last few days.’

‘Oh, what happened?’

‘Nothing. I just wanted a break,’

I said as we reached the master bedroom.

‘This is your room, I assume?’

‘Yes,’

I said and walked to the window to draw open the curtains.

‘It’s beautiful. You can see the beach and the water from here as well,’

she said, walking up to me.

‘Thank you,’ I said.

She stepped closer and placed her hands on my shoulders.

‘We can have sex,’ she said.

‘What?’

‘You heard me. We can, if you want.’

‘No, Payal,’

I said, gently removing her hands. I turned away from her and looked out of the window.

She placed her palm on my back.

‘What happened?’

she said.

‘You don’t want to?’

‘Why, Payal?’

I said.

‘You don’t have to do this. Why did you even say it like that?’

‘I want to make you happy. I feel like …’

she said and paused mid-sentence.

‘Feel like what?’

‘I feel like I let you down. Caused you pain. After I got married, I posted all those pictures on Instagram only to make my marriage appear normal. I never knew it would cause you to suffer even more. I feel terrible, Saket. You used to be this vibrant, fun, full-of-life guy. Now you’re rich and successful, yes. But that original Saket, the Saket I loved, the one that everyone loved, is gone. And I feel guilty and responsible for it.’

‘And having sex with me tonight will be some sort of compensation for all that? Is that why you drank all that wine? Like you did with Parimal? To make it happen?’

‘No, not like that, Saket,’

she said, her eyes welling up.

‘I just wanted to make you happy. Even if for a night. To tell you I still care for you. Even if I made the biggest mistake of my life.’

I didn’t respond. I went and sat on the bed. She came up to me, bent down and held my face in her hands.

‘Like you said that day, I was only twenty-two. Forgive me, Saket,’ she said.

‘I do,’

I said.

‘I do forgive you, Payal. You don’t have to have sex with me.’

‘I want to. I want to do anything you want me to do tonight. Please.’

I remained quiet.

‘Tell me what you want. Anything. Don’t hold back,’

she said.

‘No judging. You want one of those old wild nights. Just tell me.’

‘I don’t.’

‘Okay,’

Payal said.

‘That’s fine. In that case, I should make my way back …’

‘I’ll tell you what I want,’

I said, interrupting her.

‘Yes, please.’

‘I don’t want to have sex. I want you to sleep here tonight, though, next to me, holding me.’

She looked at me, surprised.

‘That’s all I want. One night with you. No sex … just to sleep holding each other.’

‘Okay,’

she said after a pause. ‘Sure.’

‘Come, I’ll give you some clothes to sleep in.’

She went to the bathroom to change, and came out wearing my oversized T-shirt.

I tucked her into bed, drew the curtains close and turned off the lights. I came and lay down next to her. I kissed her forehead. We held each other like we used to in my Bandra home twelve years ago. Within minutes, we fell asleep.

That night, for the first time ever, my ten-thousand-square-feet designer Palm Villa house felt like what it had never felt like before—home.

‘Good morning,’

I said when Payal walked down the stairs, rubbing her eyes, looking silly and cute in my oversized T-shirt.

I sat at the dining table, drinking a cup of black coffee and eating an egg-white omelette.

She yawned.

‘What time is it?’

‘Ten,’

I said.

‘Come, have some breakfast.’

‘Ten? I’ve never slept in this late. Wait, I have a flight this evening, right?’

‘Yes, it’s at 7 p.m. Relax, you have time. Come.’

‘I haven’t even packed,’

she said, sitting down across from me.

‘I’m so hungover,’

she said. She poured herself some coffee.

‘Something to eat?’ I said.

She shook her head, cupping the coffee mug with both her hands.

‘Anything at all? Pancakes? Nutella toast? Poha?’

‘Don’t tempt me. I’ve already eaten so much on this trip,’

she said, sipping her coffee.

‘Shanti didi can make something for you.’

‘Maybe later,’

she said.

‘You’re the same, aren’t you?’

‘Same, as in?’

‘Caring. Keen to feed me. Providing a million choices for breakfast.’

I smiled.

‘Thank you though. It’s sweet,’ she said.

My phone rang. I had kept it on the dining table. Tania’s face flashed on the screen. Payal glanced at my mobile for a second and looked away.

Damn, why do iPhones have this stupid feature?

I contemplated what to do with the call.

‘What happened? It’s okay. Take it,’

Payal said.

I picked up the phone.

‘Hi,’

Tania said.

‘Hi Tania. I’m in a meeting. Let me call you back, yeah? Thanks. Anyway, I’ll be a lot more free after today, so let’s speak then. Bye.’

I kept the phone down on the table.

‘You didn’t have to do this,’

Payal said.

‘Do what?’

‘Telling me you’re on a break with her or whatever,’

Payal said.

‘I am.’

She shrugged and took a sip of her coffee.

‘Nothing to eat?’

I said again.

‘No. Also, I better get going soon.’

‘I’ll drop you to your hotel,’ I said.

‘I can order a cab, Saket. Please, stop doing this,’

she said, her voice irritated.

‘Doing what exactly?’

‘Nothing,’

she said and looked away.

‘What’s the matter, Payal?’

She took a few deep breaths.

‘Why did you do this whole thing?’ she said.

‘What thing?’

‘Making me spend the night. Sleeping together, holding each other.’

‘You offered. You said you would do anything I ask you to.’

‘Why couldn’t we just have sex, Saket?’

‘What’s the issue?’

‘This messes me up,’

Payal said.

‘I don’t ever want to get in that zone again.’

‘What zone?’

‘That whole emotional, getting-the-feelings zone. I’m happy alone now. And you’re happy in your world. We didn’t have to do all this.’

‘But having sex would’ve been okay?’

‘Yes. Would’ve been easier to deal with than this.’

Could someone in the world please write a book on girl logic? I’d be the first buyer.

‘How so?’

I said, puzzled.

‘I can’t explain it. It would’ve been like this meaningless, crazy, one-night thing you did with your ex. But this spending the night cuddling, eating breakfast together, dropping me back …’

she said and shook her head.

‘It’s a good thing Tania called. Jolted me back to reality. Yes, you’ll be a lot more free after today, after I’m gone.’

‘Is that what all of this is about? Listen, I was just … Forget about Tania, please. She’s not important.’

‘I’ll finish my coffee and leave,’

Payal said, taking a bigger sip.

‘We cool?’

She nodded.

‘I didn’t have sex with you because I was afraid,’ I said.

‘Afraid of what?’

she said, squinting her eyes.

‘I was afraid that if we did it, I would get super attached to you again. That whole emotional, catching-feelings bit … You have that power over me …’

‘Power?’

‘I can’t explain it. I don’t want to get trapped again …’

‘Trapped?’

‘I can’t find the right words. But see, whatever it is, I’m functioning decently in my life now. I have a system that works. I don’t want to get trapped in another decade of pain for a few moments of pleasure. It’s like I fell into a ditch. And it took me ten years to crawl out of it. I’ve barely just managed to stand up, so …’

‘So, you’re worried I’ll push you back into the ditch again? Or wait, am I the ditch?’

‘No, not like that …’

‘And this “trap” you’re referring to, that’s me, isn’t it? The recently divorced woman who obviously has nothing better to do in life now than to cling on to you,’ she said.

‘No, not like that, Payal. What are you even saying?’

‘Exactly like that. You need to be careful, after all. Anyway,’

she said.

‘why did you ask me to stay over then?’

‘Because I still care for you. You had a rough divorce. You dealt with it all alone. You’ve been through a lot. I wanted to be there for you.’

‘Oh?’

Payal smirked.

‘So, you took pity on me? Thank you so much, Saket. Thank you for being there for this lonely divorced girl, while also carefully navigating the situation and not having sex with her to make sure that you don’t get trapped. Or fall into a ditch. I’m so grateful.’

Ah, the sarcasm queen was back.

‘Look, I’m saying this all wrong. I wanted to feel close to you too—’

‘But within limits.’

‘I don’t know what is with you. Taking everything the wrong way. Eat something. You’re hungover and cranky.’

‘Yes, the problem is me—lonely, divorced, hungover, cranky, a trap, a ditch. Anything else to add to that list?’

‘Payal, stop it. What happened to you? Was it Tania’s call?’

‘I finally woke up and came to my senses, I guess,’

Payal said.

‘Anyway, thanks for all the support on the deal. And for showing me around Dubai. But now the assignment is over. I’ll go change and order myself a cab. You’re free to return to your calls and your decently functioning lifestyle or whatever.’

Before I could try to stop her, Payal ran up the stairs. She came back down in ten minutes, having changed into her clothes. The Uber she’d booked had already arrived at the porch.

‘Take care, Saket. It was nice working with you,’

she said, getting into the cab.

‘We’ll be in touch, right?’ I said.

‘What for?’

she said as the car drove away.

‘Hi, reached Mumbai okay?’

I sent Payal a message.

She didn’t reply for a day.

‘How are you doing, Payal? How is Mumbai treating you?’

I sent another one.

No reply for two days. The same fate awaited the next three messages that I sent to her over the week. I saw her online on WhatsApp several times. But she never responded to me. Ghosting—the new-age equivalent o.

‘I am not interested’—is silent, but it stings.

I figured she wanted to be left alone. I also knew why. Instead of breakfast, I’d put both my feet in my mouth that day.

I decided to let things be for a while, hoping that the remaining paperwork for the deal would give me a legitimate reason to speak to Payal. The opportunity came one week later.

My legal team wanted a document from Blackwater: a list of authorized signatories from Blackwater who could sign off on the CloudX deal. It was a small technical requirement. I could’ve asked someone in my office to get it. However, I offered to call Blackwater instead. I said it would make them send it across faster.

‘Hi, free to talk on a call? It’s work-related,’

I messaged Payal.

‘Hi, sure,’

she replied immediately.

Okay, so she can be prompt in her replies.

‘Hi,’

Payal said as she picked up my video call, looking surprised.

‘Hi,’

I said and smiled as our eyes met on the screen.

‘Video call?’ she said.

‘Yeah, I thought a face-to-face chat is always better. Is that okay?’ I said.

‘Yeah, sure. Am in office though. Let me wear my AirPods,’

she said. She put the earplugs on.

‘Okay, we can talk now. What’s up?’

‘My legal team needs a Blackwater-authorized signatories document.’

‘Oh? Okay. I’m sure our legal team could’ve sent that request to your legal team. Anyway, I’ll arrange it.’

She typed something on her laptop.

‘Thanks, no rush …’ I said.

‘Okay.’

‘How are you?’ I said.

‘I’m good. Busy with work. All this deal-closing stuff.’

‘I didn’t mean in terms of work. I meant how are you otherwise, in life?’

Payal looked at me in silence.

‘You didn’t reply to my messages,’ I said.

‘I did, just now, before you called. For any work-related stuff, I’m here.’

‘Payal, you’re behaving exactly like I did during that Bosporus lunch.’

Payal let out a loud sigh.

‘Really, how are you? How’s life?’ I said.

‘Am a bit stressed out, dealing with some stuff.’

‘Like what?’

She pondered over whether she should share more with me. She spoke after a pause.

‘Dad just got dragged into a case.’

‘What case?’

‘Parimal and Dad. Parimal is contesting in court, for his stake in Dad’s business.’

‘It is your dad’s business.’

‘Yes, but Dad trusted him a lot. He’d assigned him the power of attorney in the past. Anyway, it’s all a mess. I’m helping Dad get good legal advice, prepare the necessary documents, etc.’

‘Sorry to hear that,’

I said.

‘May I help in any way?’

‘No, Saket,’

she said, her voice firm.

‘It’s being handled.’

‘Okay. I was just trying to—’

‘I can handle my stuff. As a divorced, vulnerable woman, I do pretty okay. Decently functional.’

‘Ouch, someone hasn’t forgotten. Payal, about tha—’

‘If I can close a three-and-a-half-billion-dollar deal for my company, I can handle my life on my own. I don’t need to cling to anyone.’

‘I know, Payal. Can we forget about that day now?’

‘I have. Anything else?’

‘Yes. I think of you sometimes. About the time we spent in Dubai.’

‘I thought this was a work call?’

‘All right, fine. Speaking of work, I’m looking forward to coming to Mumbai, for the closing dinner.’

‘Yes, it’s in two weeks, right?’

‘Yeah. And as you wanted, I might just do the comedy act. I’ve started preparing for it.’

‘I didn’t want you to do it. It was just a suggestion. It’s up to you. You don’t have to. The closing dinner will happen either way.’

‘Why are you being so curt?’

‘Curt? No. I’m in office, working, that’s all.’

‘Right. Also, I told Tania I definitely need a break. I need to figure out what I want.’

‘Cool. Yeah, am sure you’ll figure things out. Maybe get someone even younger and prettier. A famous model perhaps?’

‘Why are you talking to me like this?’

‘Like what? It’s true. You can afford anything now, isn’t it? If something doesn’t work for you, you can simply change it.’

‘That’s not what I meant.’

‘Do whatever makes you happy, really. Anyway, I’ll have the authorized signatory list sent today,’

she said before ending the call.