Page 7 of 12 Years: My Messed-up Love Story

‘But, Harpic?’

She leaned forward and kissed me.

‘I love you, Saket, so much.’

‘I love you too.’

Grinning cheekily, she opened the drawer of the bedside table. She took out a pair of pink fluffy handcuffs and handed them to me.

‘What the hell is this?’ I asked.

‘Ordered it on Amazon.’

‘What for?’

‘I want you to tie me up.’

‘What?’

She looked at me and gave me a sheepish smile.

I placed the handcuffs around her wrists and snapped them shut.

‘Payal Jain, you’re one wild, naughty girl.’

‘Only with you. You bring that out in me.’

I pulled her closer.

‘Now, before we begin, don’t you dare use the word “handcuffs” in your comedy material, ever,’ she said.

My comedy career on the rise.

A beautiful, smart girlfriend taking care of me and my home.

An insane sex life.

Yes, for a few heady months, my life was perfect. Even though it was all about to come to a nasty, crashing end.

Before we get to that, however, let me tell you about my sex life during this phase.

From someone who had never done anything physical when she first met me, Payal turned into an insatiable sexual beast, taking me along for the ride.

Once, she came backstage before my show to surprise me.

With only a curtain separating us from the audience, we proceeded to do unspeakable things to each other.

On my birthday, she decided to engage in some role-play.

She wore an airline-stewardess uniform she’d ordered online. She brought me hot towels on a tray. Needless to say, hottest night ever.

Our role-play phase continued for a while after my birthday.

We tried doctor–patient, professor–student, policewoman–criminal, call girl–customer (her idea, not mine).

Each time, the sex got hotter, and our connection closer.

And it was more than just the sex.

I was falling like never before.

In love.

Into the madness of love. Not a minute passed when I didn’t think of Payal. I hated it when she had to go away and stay over at her parents’

place.

Speaking of her parents, I never interacted with them.

In fact, for them, I didn’t even exist.

That’s how Payal wanted it.

And then, just like that, the party was over.

One evening, Payal and I were sitting on the window ledge and working on our laptops. I was writing a new set about saas-bahu serials. She was reading a pitch from a cloud-kitchen company looking to raise money, when her mother called.

‘Hi Mom. I’m busy,’

Payal said, picking up the phone.

‘I’ll call you tomorrow morning on my way to work.’

Even though Payal had the phone to her ear, I could hear her mother’s voice.

‘Okay, fine. But definitely call me in the morning. It’s important.’

‘What happened?’

Payal said.

‘A rishta has come for you. And what an amazing one it is. Really, it is a kamaal ka rishta.’

‘What? Mom, I don’t want any rishtas right now.’

‘Yes, you will. Once you hear the details. Your father and I are so excited.’

‘I don’t have time for this …’

‘Tomorrow morning. Call me.’

Payal cut the call and kept her phone aside. I looked at her, confused.

‘Don’t worry about it,’

she said.

‘It’s all nonsense.’

‘Kamaal ka rishta?’

‘Whatever. She talks like that.’

‘Has this happened before?’

‘What?’

‘Matches coming for you …’

‘Yeah, a few times.’

‘You never told me.’

‘Some were even before I knew you. Like Akanksha’s husband’s best friend.’

‘And?’

‘I dismissed it.’

‘What about since we started dating?’

‘There’ve been a couple of them. From within the Jain circle. Someone’s parents saw me at the Jain temple and approached my parents. That sort of stuff.’

Payal got off the ledge and placed her laptop on the coffee table. Then she went into the kitchen to heat up dinner, which the part-time cook had made earlier in the day. A minute or so later, the microwave went ‘ting’

as it finished reheating the food. Payal brought the dinner out and set the table.

‘Why didn’t you tell me?’ I said.

‘Nothing worth telling. Come, let’s eat.’

We ate in silence.

‘Say something. Why are you so quiet?’

Payal said, mopping up the chole with a roti.

‘I can’t lose you, Payal.’

‘Huh? What are you even talking about?’

‘Well, I don’t know how kamaal ka this rishta is …’

‘It’s kamaal ka for my mother. Not me,’

she said.

‘Can you pass me some more chole? I’m so damn hungry.’

‘Payal, be serious.’

‘About what?’

she said, adding the chickpea curry to her plate with a serving spoon.

‘Your parents are looking for rishtas for you. Sooner or later, they’ll expect you to get married.’

‘I won’t agree to them.’

I put my spoon down and stopped eating.

‘Tell your parents about us. You and me.’

Payal laughed.

‘What’s so funny?’ I said.

‘Are you crazy? I’ve told you about them, have I not?’

‘It’s the truth though. You and I are together.’

‘My family isn’t designed to handle the truth, Saket. We don’t do truth.’

‘So, I’ll have to stay hidden all my life?’

‘Come on. I didn’t say that.’

‘What is your plan then?’

‘You tell me. Should there be a plan?’

I remained silent.

‘Nothing to say? I thought so. Anyway, I’m done with dinner.’

Payal stood up.

We cleared the table and took everything back to the kitchen. I put the remaining food in smaller containers and kept them in the fridge.

Payal rinsed the plates and left them in the sink. I wiped the dining table with a damp cloth. She filled the water bottles to be kept on our bedside tables.

Usually, this silence in which we performed these daily rituals would’ve been normal. Today, however, there was a heaviness in the air.

‘It’s not like I don’t want to have a plan.’

I finally broke the silence. We were in the bedroom, sitting on our respective sides of the bed.

‘Don’t worry about it,’

Payal said, rubbing some moisturizer on her face. Girls have a hundred skincare rituals that guys have no idea about.

She had, for example, a specific cream for her under-eye area, one for her face, another one for her arms and legs, and yet another one for her feet. Why are all these creams different? And what exactly do they do?

‘I love you, Payal,’ I said.

‘But what does that mean finally?’

‘As in?’

‘Is there a future for us?’

When a woman uses the word ‘future’

in the context of a relationship, it’s dangerous territory. One wrong utterance, and you could blow things up. Forever.

‘When I say I can’t live without you, I mean it. I want to be with you.’

‘But you don’t want to get married.’

‘I didn’t say that.’

‘It’s written all over your face. And you’ve told me this as well. The idea of marriage scares you.’

‘I did say that, yes,’

I said.

‘Marriage does scare me.’

‘But you don’t want me to get married to anybody else either. In other words, you don’t want me to get married at all.’

‘You’re twisting my words …’ I said.

‘I got it, Saket. There’s no marriage-type future with you.’

‘It’s not like that, Payal.’

She turned sideways to face me. Even when angry, she looked … so cute, so beautiful, so mine. It was impossible for me to argue with her.

‘I’m sorry,’

I said.

‘I just freaked out when I heard your mom get so excited about the rishta.’

‘I’m not her.’

‘I know.’

‘You want me to tell them about us. They’ll freak out, but eventually, and let’s say hypothetically, I manage to convince them, and they come on board …’

‘Go on,’

I said, holding my breath.

‘What do you think they’ll expect us to do?’

‘What?’

‘Get married.’

‘Oh.’

‘And you’re not ready for that.’

‘Not right now. You know what I went through. It’s been less than a year since my divorce.’

‘They don’t believe in dating, living-in and not getting married.’

‘I know.’

‘Now you see why I can’t tell them about you? When we have a plan, I will.’

‘Punjabi, older, divorced and a stand-up comedian. It’ll be hard to tell them.’

‘I’ll deal with it, Saket,’

Payal said.

‘I love you.’

‘Thank you.’

‘No “I love you” back?’

‘I’ll tell you tomorrow.’

‘Why tomorrow?’

‘Let me see no what the kamaal ka rishta is,’ she said.

I threw a cushion at her. She laughed as she caught it and threw it right back at me. I grabbed her.

‘I’ll show you something else kamaal ka right now,’

I said, turning off the lights.

‘Can you talk?’

I had a message from Payal.

I was in a meeting with Reliable Polymers, discussing the event flow for their upcoming annual retreats.

‘In a meeting, baby. Call you back?’

I messaged her.

‘Soon, please,’

she replied.

‘I’ll see you at home in the evening?’

‘I can’t come to Bandra tonight.’

‘Why?’

‘Call me. Will talk then.’

I finished my meeting and called Payal from the cab on my way back home.

‘Hey, sweets, what’s up?’ I said.

‘How was your meeting?’

‘Good. Finalized everything. Flying to Goa for their first event next week. Then travelling for a week to the remaining conference venues.’

‘Terrific.’

‘Yeah. Anyway, what happened? Why am I not seeing you tonight?’

‘I’ve to go to my parents’ house.’

‘On a Wednesday night?’

‘Yeah. There’s a tricky situation at home. But I’m handling it.’

‘What situation?’

‘Don’t freak out, okay? But that kamaal ka rishta Mom was talking about?’

‘What about it?’

‘It’s a bit complicated …’

‘What do you mean?’ I said.

‘This rishta is from Jignesh uncle’s side.’

‘Who?’

‘Jignesh Jain. Dad’s longtime accountant.’

‘So?’

‘We’re also close family friends. My parents have known Jignesh uncle and Supriya aunty for decades.’

The cab entered Pali Hill, and I reached my apartment building.

‘Wait, I have to take the lift. Let me call once I reach upstairs.’

I look the elevator up to the fifth floor and called Payal again the minute I entered the flat.

‘Go on,’ I said.

‘Yeah, so the complication is that it’s Parimal.’

‘Who’s Parimal now?’

‘Jignesh uncle’s son. He’s the rishta.’

‘Kamaal ka rishta apparently.’

‘There’s nothing kamaal ka about him. However, my parents are damn excited, only because my mother and Supriya aunty are great friends. Jignesh uncle and my dad also meet each other socially once every week.’

‘What does all this mean, Payal?’

‘It means that I have to meet them tonight … Spend an evening with them. They’re coming home. I can’t not show up.’

‘“They” as in Jignesh uncle and Supriya aunty?’

‘Parimal also.’

‘Oh. Okay, so the boy’s side is coming over to see you. It’s getting formal.’

‘It’s not like that, Saket.’

‘What’s it like then?’

‘Just dinner with some guests at home.’

‘What are you wearing tonight?’

‘What?’

‘Tell me what you are going to wear tonight.’

‘How does it matter?’

‘Just tell me.’

‘Salwar kameez.’

‘There you go. You’re dressing traditionally. Like a good prospective bahu.’

‘Relax, Saket. Mom wanted me to wear a saree, but I said salwar kameez is fine.’

‘Wow, okay, there was a dress code that had been planned.’

‘I’ll handle it, Saket. It’s. Under. Control,’

Payal said, pausing after each word.

‘Tell me more about this Parimal.’

‘I don’t know him so well.’

‘I thought you guys were family friends.’

‘Our parents are. I haven’t been in touch with Parimal in years.’

‘But you know him?’

‘I knew him when I was a kid. As Parimal bhaiya. Can you imagine?’

The mention of the word ‘bhaiya’

triggered rakhi-brother memories.

‘Yes, I can imagine it quite well actually,’

I said in a serious tone.

‘Oh, I’m sorry,’

Payal said, as she understood the context.

‘I didn’t mean it like that at all. I barely interacted with him.’

‘Fine. Let’s hope you get to interact with him properly today.’

‘Stop it! It’s a formality. I need to get through a family dinner, that’s all.’

‘Fine.’

‘I’ll talk to Parimal personally. I’ll tell him it’s not going to work out. He’ll understand and back out.’

‘If you say so.’

‘What’s that supposed to mean?’

‘Who in their right mind would back out of being with someone like you?’

‘Aww. Is that a compliment? That’s sweet. Miss me?’

‘No, I don’t. Bye, and have fun at your dinner.’

‘Are you jealous?’

‘No.’

‘A little?’

Payal said, sniggering.

‘Bye, Payal.’

‘I’ll see you soon. I’m staying over at my parents’

place tonight. But I’ll come back to yours after work tomorrow.’

‘Why? You won’t go jewellery shopping?’

‘What jewellery shopping?’

‘For the wedding ceremonies? What comes first in Jain traditions? Roka?’

‘Not funny.’

‘He’s a Jain too, right? That must help.’

‘I don’t care what or who he is. I only care about you.’

‘What does Parimal do for a living?’

‘He’s a CA, like his dad. Why?’

‘Cool, well-educated too. Parimal and Payal. Wow, your wedding card can have a “P weds P” thing on the opening page.’

‘Stop it, Saket,’

Payal said.

‘And bye. I love you.’

I kept quiet.

‘No “I love you” for me?’

Payal said.

‘Bye,’

I said and hung up.

I opened my laptop and decided to write a new comedy set to distract myself. Maybe some chartered-accountant jokes.

‘Who is it?’

I screamed from the bedroom as my doorbell rang five times in a row.

I rubbed my eyes and checked the time on my bedside clock: 2 a.m. Who would ring my doorbell at this hour? I dragged myself out of bed and walked to the main door. I looked through the peephole.

‘Payal?’

I said, quickly opening the door.

‘Surprise!’

Payal wore a maroon-and-golden salwar kameez, with elaborate zari embroidery on the dupatta.

Was I dreaming?

‘You ordered for me, sir?’

she said coyly, stepping in and closing the door behind her.

‘Huh? What?’

I stared at her, still sleepy and confused.

‘My madam told me to come see you,’

Payal said. She ran a finger down my face.

‘That you were lonely and needed some cheering up.’

‘What’s going on, Payal? Aren’t you supposed to be at your parents’ house?’

‘Shh, I’m not Payal. I’m Shabnam. Payal is your girlfriend, right?’

‘Huh?’

Okay, are we in a surprise role-play situation?

‘Let’s go inside,’

she said, pushing my chest.

Brushing past me, she went to the kitchen and brought out a bottle of wine. She took a sip straight from the bottle and then offered it to me.

‘Sir, would you like some wine?’

‘I was sleeping,’ I said.

‘But sleeping alone no? Why? Why alone when Shabnam’s here?’

She walked up to me seductively and pecked me on my lips.

Oh, screw it. I’ll ask Payal about what happened at dinner later. Let me deal with Shabnam now.

‘Thank you for coming, Shabnam,’ I said.

‘My pleasure. Sir, will you make the payment now or later?’

‘And how much is the payment?’

‘Up to you, sir … It depends on the service you choose. Shall we go to the bedroom, sir?’

Before I could say something, she led me into the bedroom. Then she took out her phone and played a song from Umrao Jaan.

In aankhon ki masti ke

mastaane hazaaron hain …

‘What the—’

‘Shh,’

Payal, or rather Shabnam, said, shushing me and drawing her dupatta over our heads.

‘Sir, I’m here to please you. I’m yours, whatever you want to do.’

‘Whatever?’

‘Yes, I know you’re angry with your girlfriend. She’s been bothering you, right? Making you feel jealous?’

‘Yeah, a little.’

‘Don’t bottle up that anger. Take it out on Shabnam tonight, in whatever way you want to.’

She kissed my lips hard, almost biting me.

‘You’re strong,’

she said, rubbing my arms.

‘Let’s see what you can do.’

My eyes met hers. I’d missed her all evening. I’d tormented myself by imagining all kinds of scenarios—Jains bonding over Jain tacos and Jain sushi and discussing how amazing it would be for Parimal Jain and Payal Jain to get married and create more no-onion-no-garlic Jain babies. I wasn’t just a little bit jealous. I was insanely jealous. I was extremely possessive about my Payal.

‘Rough sex or nothing,’ she said.

‘Rough?’

‘Yes. I’d like you to tie me up, pull my hair, grab my neck. Do anything. Use me. I’m yours.’

‘Payal but—’

‘Shabnam, I’m Shabnam,’ she said.

My eyes met hers. Something sizzled. And we proceeded to have our steamiest, hottest night ever.

When we were done, both of us plopped down in bed.

‘Do I get my Payal back now?’

I said after a while.

‘Yes,’

she said, smiling.

‘What was that?’

‘Tell me, how was it?’ she said.

‘Hot. Insanely, mind-numbingly hot.’

‘It was amazing for me as well.’

‘Now that we’re back to our senses, well, sort of, what are you doing here at this time? Didn’t you have dinner at your parents’

place tonight?’

‘I had dinner with them, and I was supposed to stay over. But I insisted on returning because I have to go to office early. The driver dropped me to Parel. After he left, I took a cab to Bandra.’

‘Wow, you took an Uber this late?’

‘What to do? Shabnam had to service a client.’

She kissed me on the cheek.

‘How was the dinner?’

‘I’ll tell you about it at breakfast. For now, I want to savour this moment, not talk about Jain dinners.’

‘Okay. Anything I need to worry about?’

‘Yeah, a lot.’

‘What?’

I said, concerned.

‘That I’m not going anywhere. So, you better be worried about that,’

she said, ruffling my hair and snuggling closer to me.

‘No more Nutella, okay?’

Payal said, spreading the chocolate–hazelnut spread on her toast.

‘Just stop buying it. I can’t resist it if it’s in the house.’

We sat at the dining table. Payal wore a blue pinstripe suit, ready to leave for office. I was in workout clothes since I was planning to hit the gym after Payal left.

‘But you love it,’

I said, peeling my one dozen boiled eggs and separating the whites.

‘Sometimes, what we love can be bad for us,’ she said.

‘Deep,’

I said, eating the bland egg-whites one by one.

‘How can you eat that? Do you even like it?’ she said.

‘Nothing to like. It’s for my protein targets. Now, let’s focus—how was the dinner?’

‘Boring,’

Payal said.

‘Lots of feet touching and eating unhealthy carbs you would never approve of.’

‘I didn’t even approve of doing this dinner in the first place.’

‘I spoke to Parimal privately.’

‘What did you tell him?’

‘I said I’m not ready for marriage right now. Our parents are obviously excited, but I’m too young. Also, that it’s too early in my career, and I want to focus on that for a while.’

‘What did he say?’

‘He said, well, doesn’t matter what he said.’

‘I want to know.’

Payal let out a sigh before she spoke again.

‘He said, “I won’t stop you from having a career.” And that “I can wait for marriage if you’re not ready yet.”’

‘Wow.’

‘What wow, Saket?’

‘He’s keen.’

‘It doesn’t matter. Because I’m not.’

‘Okay, what happened then?’

‘Nothing, Mom brought us pani puri. We ate it and discussed the best pani-puri spots in Mumbai.’

‘You discussed pani-puri spots with him?’

‘I had to make some small talk.’

‘I don’t know why, but discussing pani-puri spots sounds a bit intimate.’

‘Intimate is what happened last night, in this house,’

she said, deliberately licking a bit of Nutella off her finger in a suggestive manner.

Payal finished her breakfast. She stood up, placed her plate in the kitchen sink and washed her hands.

‘And what did your and his parents say?’ I said.

‘They’re all mad. Ignore them.’

‘Still. Tell me.’

‘Nothing, they kept saying nonsense stuff like “what a brilliant, amazing idea this is,” and how “two best friends will become one family.”’

‘That’s nothing?’

‘They can keep dreaming. But nothing will happen. In fact, I figured out why my dad is so excited about Parimal.’

‘Why?’

‘Because Parimal is smart and hardworking and can help run Dad’s business later. Vansh, on the other hand, is a lazy idiot. He won’t know the difference between a cable and a shoelace. Anyway, my cab is here. Bye. See you tonight,’

she said, kissing me.

‘Parimal is smart, eh?’

I said as she entered the elevator.

‘It’s so cute,’ she said.

‘What is?’

‘When my hulk of a man in a sleeveless gym T-shirt gets jealous. Bye, cutie,’

she said, blowing a kiss as the lift door shut in my face.

A full week later, I was sitting on the window ledge and working when I heard the main door unlock. Payal entered the apartment and slammed the door shut.

‘I hate her,’ she said.

I looked up from my laptop.

‘Who?’ I said.

‘My mother.’

‘Now what?’

‘She’s lost the plot. Completely.’

‘What happened exactly?’

‘This Parimal thing.’

‘That’s still an issue?’

‘I didn’t think it was. But, unfortunately, it is.’

‘What happened?’

‘Parimal’s parents called my mother. They told her that Payal has told Parimal she’s not keen.’

‘Okay, then what?’

‘My mother then told them, “What does Payal know? She’s never even spoken to a boy properly. She’s just shy.”’

‘Are you?’

‘Stop it, Saket.’

‘I don’t know why you’ve created this impression of being a naive, innocent girl at home.’

‘What do I tell her? That their daughter does call-girl role-plays at night?’

‘No, that may not go down well. What happened next?’

‘Parimal’s parents got encouraged again. They now want to take the next step.’

‘Which is?’

‘Do a roka? Formalize the rishta? I don’t know. I’m telling you, my parents have gone bonkers.’

‘Stop this, Payal.’

‘I’m trying. I fought with my mother again today. I’ve literally blocked her on my phone.’

‘How is that a good idea?’

‘You have a better one?’

I remained quiet. I went to the kitchen and brought a glass of water for Payal.

‘I need stronger stuff,’ she said.

‘Later. First drink this and calm down. Let’s talk about what is to be done.’

‘My dad’s obsessed. It’s not that he has found the perfect son-in-law. No. He’s found the perfect heir to his business. Parimal and he share a passion.’

‘What is that?’

‘Cables.’

‘They’re passionate about wires and cables?’

‘Well, yes. Parimal gave my dad some ideas about new PVC materials and told him how to cut costs and improve margins.’

‘Then he should hire him as a business consultant no? Why does he have to get his daughter married to him?’

‘Tell him that,’

Payal said. She chugged the entire glass of water down in one go.

‘Now, can you give this girl a real drink?’

Nodding, I went back to the kitchen and looked at the alcohol stock.

‘We’re out of wine. Gin and tonic okay with you?’

‘Sure, anything that helps me not think of my mother.’

I made two drinks and came back to the living room.

‘Thank you,’

she said.

‘Don’t get upset. But after my mother’s encouragement, Parimal’s parents sent something home.’

‘What?’

‘Gold bangles. It’s a tradition. Don’t read too much into it. I just told you because I don’t want to hide anything.’

‘What the hell is going on, Payal?’

I asked loudly.

‘Please, don’t raise your voice. I’ve already been in a shouting match with my mother. I asked her to return the bangles.’