Page 67 of You, Again
“What’s wrong?”
Nolan rubbed his hand over his nose and took a deep breath. “I don’t know what will happen over the next week or two. I don’t want things to get weird and there’s no reason they have to be, but…I want to thank you for being here, for showing up and staying and—”
“Whoa.” I cocked my head, eyeing him cautiously. “I’m not going anywhere.”
“Miami?”
“Oh, well…yeah, I promised. It would be an asshole move to pull out now.”
“And then LA? Your agent has been trying to reach you, your ex is here.”
“I didn’t know she was coming, Nol. I swear I didn’t—”
He held a hand up. “I know. It’s okay. But your old life is calling, and summer is almost over. It’s time to move on.”
My mouth fell open. I glanced over his shoulder when a whoop of laughter from the other side of the hedge invaded our mini fortress. It felt like a sign—as if the real world were closing in on us.
“I don’t want to move on,” I choked out.
“Me either,” he whispered. “But I can’t…I can’t do this.”
“Do what?”
“Me and you. Us.” He gestured manically between us. “You don’t see it like I do, but it feels like history is repeating itself.”
“No. What are you talking about? No, this is different,” I argued, staving off a rogue wave of nausea when his distraction gave way to laser-sharp focus. “You know it is.”
“How? Because we’re older? Wiser? No, we’re still the same stupid kids we always were. Summer was always the end for us. The date is fuzzy this time. August thirty-first, tomorrow, or maybe sometime next month. I want to say I’m flexible, but I’m nervous now and I’m losing myself by hiding in the shadows like a dirty secret.”
I was sweating now. “You’re not a secret.”
“Vinnie, I’m the dirtiest secret you’ve ever had. I’m your downfall, your ruin. I’m the scariest person you know and I fucking hate it,” he said in a manic rush. “I don’t want to be the one who brings you shame. Never again. Not me. I’m sorry. This is terrible timing, but—”
“Stop. Just…stop.” Blood drained from my face so fast I felt dizzy. “None of that’s true. You’re the best thing in my life and if you didn’t know that, you know it now. I’m fucking crazy about you. What can I do? What do you want?”
He hesitated for a beat. “Something you can’t give me.”
“Bullshit. I can give you everything,” I insisted. “Anything. Name it.”
He cast a nervous glance at the row of hedges. “Vinnie…”
“Talk to me. Tell me what you want, Nol. Please.”
“Okay…I want a happy-ever-after. A real relationship. I want marriage, I want kids, I want animals, I want summers at the lake, I want winters at home by the fire, I want smooth ice and time to skate, I want quiet Sunday mornings, thunderstorms, and lightning bugs. I want one man. Forever. And I know it’s a fairy tale and I bet I just freaked you the fuck out, and I’m sorry for that. I just…” Nolan bit his lip and glanced away briefly. His voice cracked when he added, “You have another life out there with obligations and complications, and…I understand that, but I’ve loved you for a long time, Vin. I don’t think I’m ever gonna shake you, and I can’t pretend that I’m okay with a piece of you. So maybe it’s easier if we just…go back to being friends.”
“No. No way.”
“Vinnie…”
My Adam’s apple bobbed in my throat. I clenched my jaw and balled my hands into fists as if it might help me from spinning out of control. “Nol…I don’t want that.”
“Me either, but…I think we both know it’s the best we can do,” he whispered.
Nolan kissed my cheek, mumbled something about checking in with the kitchen and walked away.
And me?
I felt like I’d just taken a bullet to the chest.