Page 81 of Will It Hurt?

Jinn

I heard them downstairs, pottering around the cauldron and asking each other if it would be a good moment to check on me. Each time, they decided against it, and I was grateful.

I’d sequestered myself in Aisla’s office with the blinds pulled down, plunging the attic space into darkness.

Darkness was comfortable. It suited the shape of my grief.

The only sound on the third floor was the faint ticking of the grandfather clock in the hallway. At the top of every hour, it let out the saddest gong, as though it was trying to remind everyone that it was still alive.

After the utter chaos of the past week, I felt… at peace. Not the kind of enlightened peace that Buddha offered, but more a resigned state of mind.

The worst had happened. It was done. And I was somehow still in one piece.

Just last night, I’d imagined that seeing Belle again and being forced to let her go would break me. I thought I’d collapse into myself with grief and dread at the prospect of never hearing the lub dub of her heartbeat ever again.

But over the last few days, I’d gotten used to the silence. I’d become more familiar with thinking about Belle in the past .

Three words were a bittersweet comfort: she chose it. Over and over, I reminded myself that Belle had chosen this end without coercion. Her head had been clear, every part of her comfortable with her decision. Indira hadn’t been a factor.

I stared into the darkness and waited for... something. Maybe for the pain to arrive properly. Or for Belle’s voice to echo in the walls. But there was nothing to buoy the feeling of loss that threatened to shred my skin.

I shifted in my seat and the old leather sighed under me in the otherwise quiet room.

My throat had turned to dust. I hadn’t spoken to anyone, seen anyone, in over twelve hours. Not Aisla, not her nosy sister, or even the brother I scented in the house. I couldn’t face them. Not right now. Not when I could still feel the shape of Belle in my arms.

I should cry. It would be healing. It was what humans would do. But try as hard as I did, the tears didn’t come. And that hurt more than anything.

The numbness. The paralyzing silence.

She’d chosen eternal death. I repeated those words one by one, emphasizing each syllable until they were embedded in my brain.

She had chosen peace, and I had told her that I would be okay without her. That I could bear this existence.

It was strange how I didn’t regret that my last words to Belle had been a lie.

I whispered her name. Just once.

Just to see if she might appear next to me with her broad smile and big bear hug.

Nothing .

Nothing but silence. Just as it had been before Belle.