Page 33 of Will It Hurt?

“So I would know better than anyone else how shit she is at answering messages.” She let her bag slide to the ground. “Tell me what happened.”

I recounted the events and Maia listened with appropriate dramatism.

“ How could you forget the invisibility spell?” she demanded .

“Do you remember what it is?” I shot back.

She crossed her arms defensively, making her coat bunch up under her chest like the Michelin man.

“I’m not the one dealing with sad vamps for a living,” she said pointedly. “ I’m not the one putting my life on the line each time I set out to neutralize an assignment. That was a rookie mistake, Aisla. You could’ve been killed!”

“Okay, mum,” I muttered defensively under my breath, knowing she was right.

She ran a hand through her short curls, frustration wafting off her with every breath.

“Sit.” She pointed to a footstool that was frayed from Anaia’s scratches. “I need to see how badly you’re hurt.”

I obliged, perching stiffly on the edge of the stool.

“She got you good,” Maia said, examining the back of my scalp. “Lift your head.”

She cursed at the sight of my bruises.

“Fuck. She really wanted to kill you.”

Her fingers moved over the black-and-blue skin, magick heating her fingers. I caught her wrist and held it steady.

“Don’t.”

She stared at me, confusion etched in the space between her brows.

“Why not? You’re obviously in pain.”

How could I explain to my sister that despite coming this close to death tonight…

I wanted to hurt.

Maia paused in the fidgety way she often did, waiting for me to explain myself. Her eyes searched mine for an explanation, a reason, but how could I explain something that I barely understood ?

“I, um.” I glanced at my palms. The left one had been scraped by the uneven cobblestone as I braced myself after a slip.

“It’s not what you think,” I began, hating the hesitation in my voice. “It’s not about the pain, not exactly.”

I had never seen Maia so concerned.

“Then what is it? You could’ve died, you know.”

I tried to force a laugh, but it emerged from my throat like a rough cough.

“Yeah, I could’ve. But for the first time in years, I… I feel alive.”

She flinched as though the words had hit her.

“That doesn’t make sense since you’ve been alive this whole time.”

I shook my head, brushing the pad of my thumb across the abrasions on my palm.

“I’m saying… Or what I’m trying to say is that for the last ten years, I’ve been going through the motions. Day in, day out. The same routines, the same job, the same people. I’ve been alive, sure, but I haven’t been living.”

The last word came out sharper than I intended, but I didn’t care. She needed to understand. I needed her to understand.

“I didn’t notice it at first,” I continued, my fingers picking at the loose threads in the footstool.

“It creeps up on you, you know? The monotony. The dull ache of doing the same thing over and over until you can’t tell one day from the next.

It’s like... being wrapped in cotton and everything is muted. ”

“And you wanted to… feel?” she asked, her voice soft, cautious. She didn’t understand. I didn’t expect her to. She was a content creature, happy with her potions and her steady stream of satisfied clients .

“Yes,” I said, my voice firm this time. “When I thought I was going to die, when I felt the fear, the pain—it was so sharp, so vivid. I could feel it in my bones, in my chest. It hurt, but it was real. For the first time in years, something was real.” I looked up at her, meeting her eyes.

“I didn’t want to die. Don’t get me wrong.

But for those moments, I wasn’t some cog in the High Coven machine, clocking in and out.

I wasn’t numb. I was alive, fully alive, even if it meant feeling the worst kind of pain. ”

She leaned away for a second, her expression unreadable. “Why didn’t you say anything sooner? You don’t need to almost die to feel alive. There are other ways.”

“Maybe,” I said, my voice low. “Maybe I’m not explaining this right.

For ten years, it feels like I’ve been asleep and nothing else has woken me up.

The pain, the way this vamp held me by my throat…

it made me feel more than all my life experiences put together.

And I don’t know if I can go back to not feeling again. ”

The truth lingered between us as Maia tried—and failed—to grasp what I was trying to say. She reached for my shoulder and gave it a quick squeeze.

“Aisla, don’t take this the wrong way, but—”

“I’m not depressed!”

Maia’s lips thinned to a sharp line.

“It sounds like you’ve been depressed,” she said gently. “You really should have said something sooner.”

I shrugged and regretted the decision as my shoulder throbbed.

“Even if I had said something, there’s nothing you could have done. This is my job. It’s who I am.”

Maia knelt in front of me and took my hands in hers.

“No,” she said. “Being a neutralizer is your job, but it is not who you are. You don’t take joy in eliminating their existence, do you?

In fact, I think it’s the opposite. You’ve spent years looking into their eyes as you vanquished into the unknown, absorbing their pain and the grief and the emotional shit they leave behind.

You’ve taken it all into yourself and it’s made you so numb. ”

I nodded slowly. “Numb. Yes.”

“Aisla.” She pressed a warm palm to my cool cheek. “It’s time to stop.”

“But.” I hated the tear that trembled along my waterline. “All the Laxmi women—”

“Are dead,” she said with brutal honesty. “This is your decision to make for your mental health. The High Coven will find someone else to do the job. They always will.”

A part of me fought her words. How could Maia say such things knowing how deep our roots ran? Being a neutralizer was part of my identity; it was tied with my family name. After centuries of carrying this legacy, I didn’t want to be the one to break it.

“At least let me heal your throat so you don’t sound like a twelve-year-old boy.”

I nodded, lifting my chin so she could work her magick. The soreness eased instantly, and I swallowed without pain.

When she pulled back, Maia pinned me with a meaningful glare.

“Think about it, okay?” she said. “And know I’ll support you either way.”

She pulled me close into a hug, wrapping her arms tight around my waist. I breathed in the scent of baby powder and homemade soap, letting it calm my humming nerves.

“Now,” she said, releasing me to walk over to our front window. “Where is this vamp and how are we going to deal with her?”